How I Saved My Marriage when He’s the One who Needed to Change

Dien Luu, Laura Doyle Certified Coach
It was actually my husband who first read The Surrendered Wife.
He said he thought it would help our relationship if I considered some of the ideas. I looked at the title, and I was so angry.
How dare he blame this on me!
I really thought that I was doing everything right. If only he would change, our life would be happier.
After moving to England, I often told him, “I gave up my life in Canada to be here with you. At least you could make an effort!” I was honest and blunt about my feelings, to the point of rudeness. But the more I told him how to be a good husband, the more distant he became.
I’m not sure how I got to be so unhappy, angry, and lonely in my marriage.
Was it postnatal depression since the birth of our son three months earlier? Was it because my husband was out of the house three nights a week for badminton, live music and football? Was it because I had not made new friends in this small town?
I wanted to be happy, but I just didn’t know how. To make matters worse, I blamed my husband for my unhappiness.

What happened to the guy I had fallen in love with?
Was this the same man who used to drive three hours from Wales to England each way every weekend for a whole year to see me? The one who flew to Canada after we broke up to work things out? The one who had said he was crazy about me?
At times he would jokingly say, “Please stop disrespecting me.”
I didn’t think I was disrespecting him. I thought he was being too sensitive.
He accused me of having a ghetto attitude and always being ready for a fight. In defense, I called him a country boy with no street sense.
I remember the day I decided to surrender.
I was going to let him have it. I called him at work and ran off a list of complaints. When I was finished my rant, I heard him crying.
He said he’d had to leave the office because I was yelling into the phone so loud that he was worried his colleagues could hear. He was sitting on the ground between two cars in the parking lot, sobbing and waiting for me to stop yelling.

He said, “I’m a grown man and I’m in a car park crying. Things shouldn’t be like this. I can’t take this anymore.”
He was right.
Things shouldn’t be like this. I decided that something needed to change.
I packed my copy of The Surrendered Wife and took the baby to a friend’s house for a week. When my husband had recommended the book, I dismissed it as soon as I got to the part about relinquishing control of the finances.
This time, I read the entire book in a week–twice.
I was so desperate for things to change in my marriage. I decided to try everything that was in the book.
I returned to my husband a grateful wife. I thanked him for making me coffee, taking care of our son, playing music with me, washing up after dinner, and going to work so I could stay home with our newborn.
I stopped complaining to him. I stopped telling him what to do. If he asked for my opinion on something that was his to decide, I would smile and say, “Whatever you think. I trust you.”
I started to respect him for who he was and made it a priority to show that I really respected his decisions by supporting instead of criticizing him.
I decided to get rid of the ghetto attitude by talking nicely to my husband instead of swearing and rolling my eyes at him.
I started to schedule three self-care activities a day, focusing on what I could do to make myself happy. I called my friends more often for girl talk. I started to play my violin again. I made time every day for a nap, a walk in the park, and writing a gratitude list in my journal.
I saw results immediately.
We argued less. We started laughing together again. He was home more often.
When I surrendered, he responded well. When I fell back into my old ways of nagging, complaining, blaming and yelling, he retreated emotionally.
It became clear to me that surrendering brings peace and happiness. Non-surrendering brings me back to feeling lonely and sad in my marriage.
I could see that things were improving between us, but I still yearned for them to be better. I googled “Laura Doyle” and read her blogs. I purchased her other books and read them daily for inspiration.
My girlfriends were calling me to vent about their husbands or partners, and I would talk to them about surrendering. All of this was going on without my husband’s knowledge.
Surrendering did not come naturally to me. I felt I was speaking a whole new language.
So one day, I decided that I wanted to enroll in Laura’s Relationship Coach Training program.
It was time to confess to my husband that I had reread the book that he’d recommended years ago.
I was worried that he would think I was somehow being fake in my marriage by following a handful of Skills. He was surprised to learn that I had reread the book. He also said, “I did notice that things had changed. I thought it was strange that you kept saying ‘Whatever you think.’”
The decision to surrender saved my marriage.
The Six Intimacy Skills™ have brought peace and intimacy back in my relationship. I definitely want more of it. I continue to practice the Intimacy Skills every day in my marriage, and I am so grateful for every opportunity to apply them.
I don’t feel like a fake at all. In fact, I feel more myself when I am feminine. I definitely feel more cherished, loved and adored by my husband.
I am so much happier with who I have become.

12 Things Any Self-Respecting Woman Doesn’t Tolerate In A Relationship

1. If you are indecisive. Any woman with self-respect knows exactly what she wants and knows how to get it. She also knows it’s a waste of time and energy to invest anything into someone who doesn’t make you feel safe or secure.  
2. If you disrespect her or others. She will watch closely how you treat those around you. Even when you don’t think she’s watching she is. And if at any moment you disrespect her she’ll call you out on it and tell you exactly what she didn’t like. If you don’t change she’ll leave.  
3. If you play games. She doesn’t have time to figure out how you feel and she sure as hell doesn’t care how long she waits to respond. Maturity is learning that healthy relationship requires communication not messing with someone’s head just to see how they react. You play games she reacts by not responding to it.  
4. If you make excuses. Any woman with self-respect takes complete ownership of the things in her life. She doesn’t blame others. She doesn’t blame circumstances. She doesn’t blame her past. So the person she looks for is someone at that level. You make up excuses of why you can’t see her or why you canceled, she’ll understand and be polite. But she won’t let it happen twice.

5. If you try and keep her on a tight leash. Sometimes when someone insecure ends up in a relationship with someone who is confident and has self-respect, they get nervous that they will lose her. Instead of trusting her and trusting themselves that they are good enough, they will respond with suffocating her and trying to control her and doubting themselves. A woman with self-respect needs you to trust her and more than that needs you to let her be sometimes because she’ll never make a relationship her entire life.  
6. If you are less than she deserves. She knows what she wants and deserves in a person and if someone doesn’t give that to her she understands it isn’t a reflection of her but rather a reflection of them not seeing her worth and it isn’t up to her to change their mind about her.  
7. If you lie or cheat. She won’t give you a second chance after that. Instead, she’ll move on to someone who would never make such a mistake.

8. If you aren’t ambitious or goal oriented. Her goals and dreams are what motivate her to get up in the morning. She needs someone who is going to respect what she does, respect what she wants to do and be there cheering her on when she does it. Alone she’s strong and accomplishes a lot but everyone needs someone sometimes. And if you can be that type of person for her, in return she’ll make you twice the person you already are.  
9. If you are the jealous type. She is the type of person who could very well date someone else if she wanted. But she chose you. And if she cared enough to give up her relationship status, then the person who earned that will very well be someone who is sure of her and secure in their relationship. She refuses to waste time and energy trying to prove she’ll be loyal just because someone might be insecure.  
10. If someone is toxic. Strong women become that because there might have been a time they settled for less and chose the wrong people but they learning and in learning, they raised their standards. And in raising their standards they began to pay very close attention to the type of energy each relationship has and the person it makes her. She’ll have no problem cutting toxic people out of her life. And if you associate with people who are like that that’s what you become yourself. So she’ll pay close attention to the type of friends you have.  
11. If you mistreat her. If you are unkind or distant and suddenly there is a shift where you aren’t the person who might have pretended to be. She won’t waste time wishing you were that person again. If your true colors come out and she doesn’t like it, she will end things and not let you back.  
12. If you think you can come and go.

17 Unmistakable Signs You Are In A Relationship With A Guy Who Truly Respects You

 Besides love, compassion, loyalty, and commitment, what we all want from our relationships is undeniably respect. But, ladies, how do you know your guy truly respects you?
There isn’t anything more satisfying and fulfilling than knowing that you’re in a relationship with a guy who honestly respects you. A guy who deserves your love and attention. Respect is a major requirement for any romantic relationship to be healthy, meaningful, and long-lasting.
There are many ways your guy can show that he really respects you. But, if he displays most or all of the following 17 behaviors, you can be completely sure that he honestly loves and respects you.  
Here they are:  
1. He accepts you for who you are – with all your quirks, flaws, and insecurities.  
2. He shows that he cares about your feelings, needs, desires, and opinions.  
3. He never puts himself in a position in which he could do something that could hurt your feelings or break your heart. He always tells you the truth, no matter how painful it is. Additionally, you know he’ll never lie to or cheat on you because he’s proved many times that he deserves your trust.

4. He always takes responsibility for his actions.
5. He never criticizes you for your opinions, no matter how different they are from his. Instead, he always listens to you attentively and shows understanding and respect for your ideas and attitudes.  
6. He includes you in all his plans for the future. He can’t imagine spending his future without you.  
7. He does his best to comfort and help you when you’re down in the dumps or going through rough times.  

8. He never leaves you to deal with your insecurities and problems alone.  
9. No matter what a busy day he’s having and how many responsibilities he has to take care of, he always makes time for you.  
10. He frequently compliments you and tells you how smart, pretty, strong, and amazing you are. But, most importantly, you know he really means this.  
11. He doesn’t lose an opportunity to tell his family and friends how proud of you and how grateful he is for having such a wonderful person like you in his life.  
12. He pushes you out of your comfort zone and motivates you to pursue your goals and dreams.  
13. He likes having conversations with you because they’re always meaningful and exciting. He often brings up serious, important topics because he enjoys learning from you.  
14. He doesn’t fly off the handle when you make a mistake or when you say or do something that he doesn’t like or that annoys him.  
15. He’s your biggest help, cheerleader, fan, and protector. He believes in your abilities and knows your worth. He gives his best to protect you from anyone and anything.  
16. When you’re out with your friends, he makes sure you’re involved in the conversations. He ensures you don’t feel neglected or ignored.  
17. He inspires you to grow personally and professionally and become a better version of yourself.

If He Does These 10 Things, He's Proving How Much He Respects You

 His actions speak louder than any of his words.
Are you in a new relationship and wondering if you’re being treated the way you truly deserve? The question is a common one, because it’s all too easy to turn a blind eye to disrespectful behavior when you’re in the grips of lust, a tad infatuated or feel like you’re falling in love.
However, it’s just as easy to tell if a guy respects you when you look for these 10 signs a man respects you.
1. He’ll give you his full attention
This one seems really obvious, but not when one of the most common issues women have, is feeling a lack of attention from a guy. Be careful to separate neediness from the right to feel wanted, but, when a man respects you he does want to see you, talk to you, answer your calls right away and fully engage when you’re together.
If he often cancels plans, neglects to respond back to messages, doesn’t initiate dates or texts his mates during romantic dinners, respect for you isn’t really at the top of his mind. You deserve the attention you want to give in a relationship and if he’s not available – physically, emotionally or mentally – move on and invest your valuable time in someone who is.

2. He’s interested in your opinions
There’s nothing worse than voicing an opinion during a conversation and being immediately shut down. Whether he agrees with you or not, a man who respects you will be interested in what you have to say and eager to debate the finer details of it. He’ll be curious about how your mind works and interested to delve right in.
In fact, he’ll regularly ask for your opinion and take it very seriously. Just like women, most men want the company of someone who can offer advice, different perceptions and mental stimulation. If you’re with a guy who either laughs when you offer a point of view or dismisses it off hand, not only is he showing a lack of respect, he’s got a lot of growing up to do.
3. He doesn’t try to control you
When you think about controlling behavior, whether it’s from a guy, a boss or a parent, the foundation of it is generally fear or insecurity. For example, a boss might throw his or her weight around because they’re on a power trip that covers up their self-esteem issues. A parent may try to control your actions because they’re fearful something bad will happen to you.
In the case of relationships, controlling men use the behavior as a form of protection, for themselves. While this often manifests in a display of power and strength, it comes from a deeply ingrained place of fear, insecurity or feelings of unworthiness. In the beginning, controlling you might mean simple actions like ordering your meal without asking what you want or trying to influence your decisions.
Already, this shows a lack of respect because a guy who cares trusts that you know how to run your own life. Over time, these small actions can turn into jealousy, possessiveness, manipulation and even violence. Always respect yourself enough to keep control of your own life, firmly in your own hands.

4. He opens up emotionally
It may be a stereotype that men find it hard to open up emotionally, but, alas, sometimes it’s true. Whether it’s society constrictions, upbringing or insecurity, the world just isn’t as accepting of men displaying emotions, as it is with women. Therefore, when a guy does open up to you about his past, his worries or his fears, you can be sure he respects you enough to be vulnerable with you.
This has as much to do with trust, as it does with respect. In fact, it’s hard to trust someone without respecting them, because you don’t feel secure enough to do so with someone whose opinion doesn’t count. So, while it might not seem like a big deal when he tells you about how his dad made him feel insignificant, know that it’s a sure sign of emotional respect.
5. He encourages you to succeed
Having respect for someone makes you feel like you’d do anything to help them succeed. You admire the traits that make them who they are, you like feeling proud of them and you want to encourage them towards further successes. This is even more prominent at the beginning of a relationship when those very things are what attracts you to someone in the first place.
If your guy often throws cold water on your enthusiasm, isn’t interested in encouraging or discussing your goals or, worse, sabotages efforts to improve yourself, he isn’t displaying respect. More than likely, he’s jealous and trying to keep you from spreading your wings, so you’ll fit better into his own plans. That’s your cue to fly away. 6. He’s honest about relationship expectations
Whether you’ve only had five dates or you’re about to hit the year mark, a man who respects you will openly discuss your relationship. Sometimes though, this might mean he’s honest about the fact that he doesn’t want anything serious right now.
However, as long as he’s putting that on the table, you’ll know he respects you. He’s not interested in deceiving you about his feelings, just to keep you hanging in there for his own pleasure. In that case, it’s entirely up to you to stay, or go, if his ideas don’t match your own.
He won’t be scared of discussing where you stand in terms of exclusivity, regular weekend plans or when to meet each other’s parents, either. No matter what comes of the discussions, a guy who respects you will offer honest, open opinions, to the best of his ability.
7. He wants you to be involved in each other’s lives
If you’ve been seeing a guy for a while and you spend a bit of time together, it makes sense that eventually you’ll meet each other’s friends, family or workmates. When he respects you, he’ll want to check out all the different aspects of your life and find out what makes you tick.
He’ll also want you to join his, by taking you to work functions, hanging out with his mates or watching him play soccer on the weekend. On the other hand, if you’re mainly in the dark about a guy’s life, like you don’t know the names of any of his friends or he’s secretive about what he does during the week, be wary of the fact that he might not think you’re worth the investment – which is disrespectful, to say the least.  
8. He’s always interested in your pleasure – in and out of bed
If a guy is, for example, only interested in sex and doesn’t respect you at all, he’s going to behave selfishly most of the time. This extends to the bedroom, where he’ll probably be less concerned with rocking your socks off and more focused on getting his rocks off.
A guy who respects you will pretty much put you first, most of the time. He’ll make sure you like the restaurant he’s chosen, give you his jacket when it’s cold, try to make you laugh and be considerate of your feelings. In bed, it’ll be his utmost pleasure to take you to the finish line, over and over again. Always remember, that you deserve no less.
9. He doesn’t get jealous
Jealousy is a bit confusing, because feeling the effects of the green-eyed monster, in a small way, isn’t necessarily a bad sign. After all, if another man hits on you and your guy feels a bit jealous, he’s also reminded of your value and how lucky he is to have you, so he kind of likes it at the same time.
However, there’s a big difference between this and a man who wants to know where you are all the time, goes through your phone or has a fit every time you go out without him. These types of actions scream disrespect because he clearly doesn’t trust you or value your privacy.
10. He’s your number one fan
Think about someone in your life who you really respect. Maybe it’s your mum, a former teacher or your best friend. When you respect someone, you really are their number one fan and want to see them happy, healthy and confident in life. A guy who respects you will be in your corner, as your number one fan, in just the same way.
He won’t criticize you, try to make you feel bad about your decisions or talk you out of dying your hair black because he likes blondes better. He’ll see beyond all that to the real you and won’t selfishly try to bend you to his own desires. He’ll understand and value what he’s found in you, whether it’s a casual romance or a long-term relationship.
And that’s the sort of treatment you truly deserve.

6 Reasons Why Respect is Important in a Relationship

Why do two people choose to be in a relationship with each other? Of course, the most logical answer would be that they are in love and would want to try how it is like to live together as one. But as you continue to face life this time as a couple did you ever thought about other things, aside from love, that have become very important in keeping your bond intact?
Well, a lot of people coming from different backgrounds have been saying that it’s not only love that’s essential in a relationship. Sure, it serves as the core building block of your bond, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be the only key element in making the relationship work. If you are to ask couples that have lasted for several decades already, they’d tell you another thing that must be present in a relationship:

Respect.
 

But why respect? Here are several reasons to ponder on:
1. Respect sees through the good, and learns to accept the bad. When you are in love with someone, all you see are their best qualities, both inside and out. At the same time, you set aside their flaws and weaknesses, as tolerate these as much as you can. Respect doesn’t work that way.
When you have respect with the person you chose to be in a relationship with, you come to accept the person’s beauty and flaws, the bitter and sweet, and good and the bad. And from acceptance you both learn to adjust with each other’s systems and come up with a compromise that you can live with. Toppled with love, respect serves the fuel to keep any relationship moving.
2. Respect teaches you the value of patience, especially towards your partner. It is hard to be patient when in a relationship, especially when you have grown accustomed to your partner’s flaws and attitudes. Also, there are a lot of instances when feel like you have already invested a lot on your partner and your bond, hence whenever conflicts arise you tend to put these thoughts into words at their expense.
With respect however, you learn to be patient, not only with your partner but also with yourself. You learn to realize that neither of you are perfect, and that you have to be patient with how you deal with unexpected situations as well.

And as they say, love is patient. And it is respect that teaches you how to be patient.
3. Respect allows more tolerance, even when the both of you have already grown apart.
If you are to do a survey on married couples on how they made their marriage last for a long time, you won’t always hear them say love. Rather, you can expect them to mention the word “respect” more often.
This is because love has this tendency to fade over time. As you and your partner grow and spend more moments together, both in times of fun and strife, you both change. You grow out certain attitudes and feelings for each other, but the situation calls for you to stick together and carry on. Love –or more like the absence of it, only makes your setup worse, but it can be remedied if you both have respect for each other.
With respect you learn to accept some harsh realities about your partner and your relationship, and from there you are able to stick together and find ways to continue and make things work.
4. When you have respect, you won’t be tempted to do things that may damage your relationship.
While let’s say you and your partner are totally into each other, there are times when you feel tempted to do things that may hurt both your feelings. You are tempted to cheat, or to make decisions that concern your partner without telling them beforehand. And yes, these things bring about irreparable damage that will only cause your relationship to collapse right before your very eyes.
But, if you have respect for your partner and your relationship, you won’t even think about cheating or other hurtful actions, because you know your limits and the repercussions of such moves. You’d be more concerned about how you two should grow not only as a couple, but as individuals who have decided to stick together through thick and thin.
5. Respect nurtures trust. When you respect someone, you also recognize his or her capabilities and limitations. At the same time, you take high regard of their qualities and give them ample trust to take on situations in the way they should be handled. The same goes with partners in a relationship. When they respect each other, they also trust each other’s respective wellbeing, and that they won’t do things that may hurt either or both of them deliberately.
Trust however, is further amplified by love, that’s why you become more giving and understanding to your partner. This is also the reason why you feel extremely hurt when your partner breaks your trust. Not only that, when trust is broken, you also lose respect to your significant other.
6. Respect breeds true love. Lastly, respect breeds the kind of love that way beyond romance. It creates love that understands and accepts, love that is willing to hold on and willing to let go, love that lasts and overcomes all the qualms and conflicts that you and your partner have had.
You two may be stripped off the romance and adventure, and while all that’s left is a boring future, if you have bred respect for each other that results to the willingness to continue with life together, then that’s true love.
Every relationship has its ups and downs, good times and bad times, adventures and boring hours, and even moments when you just want to give up. But with respect being the most important thing in your relationship, it would then be a much easier for you as a couple to face life’s challenges head on. Enrich respect with love, trust, and patience, then you know your relationship is the one for keeps.

16 things a man does in a relationship if he truly respects you

We can all agree that being in a relationship is tricky stuff, especially if you are trying to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with them.

Many people will tell you that you will know “without a doubt” when the right guy comes along, but sometimes it’s not that easy.

The reason it is not easy to determine if someone could be your life partner is that many women don’t actually know what they want in a relationship, or what they need from a man.

Up to this point, most women have been dating the wrong men and are still on the hunt for what works for them. That muddies the waters and makes it difficult to see the signs when a good man comes along.

There is one thing that all women look for in a relationship though: respect. If he doesn’t respect you, you need to move on.

It is important to see signs that he respects you. Here are six ways to tell if a man really respects you because he’ll do these on a regular basis.

1) He pays attention to you

In the age of cellphones and social media, it can be hard to get and hold someone’s attention.

When someone is staring at their phone, what they are saying to you is that anything on the internet is more interesting that you are right now. Ouch. That hurts. But everyone does it to everyone else.

However, when a man is really interested in being with a woman, he’ll put his phone down and give you all of his attention.

He’ll hear you when you talk, and he’ll actually be able to carry on a conversation with you because he was listening. If he’s always scrolling through Facebook seeing what his friends are up to, he doesn’t respect you.

2) He supports you when you need him

Women are stronger than ever and are living independent lives of their own accord. That doesn’t mean they don’t want to be in meaningful relationships, and that doesn’t mean that they don’t need someone’s shoulder to cry on once in a while.

Strong women need strong men to be by their side, and in today’s society, it can be hard to find someone who will stand beside you when the going gets tough.

You’ll know your guy is special and respects you if he picks up the phone when you call, and he gives you space when you need it.

Support doesn’t always come in the form of hand-holding: sometimes women need their space, and a good man knows when to let you have it.

3) He maintains open lines of communication

Women often roll their eyes at the communication styles of men. It seems that men and women have different communication styles, yet women continually expect men to adopt the communication styles of women.

Instead of waiting around for your guy to become a woman, pay attention to how he does communicate his wants, needs, and feelings to you on a regular basis. If he isn’t a talker, does he listen to you when you talk?

If he isn’t much of a phone person, does he send you text messages to let you know he is thinking about you? If he doesn’t like crowds, does he give you all of his attention when it’s just the two of you?

Rather than criticize his communication styles, look for ways he maintains open lines of communication. If he respects you, he’ll show you by saying the right things, but also by showing you he cares.

4) He makes you and your relationship a priority in his life

Women sometimes find themselves taking a backseat to a man’s job or friends. If you have experienced this, you know that it can lead to a lot of resentment and distrust.

When you are in a relationship with a man, he should be able to express his interest in your relationship by showing you that you are a priority for him.

This doesn’t mean that he needs to bail on a meeting in the middle of the afternoon to bring you ice cream and you’d be a jerk to think it does.

It means that he makes time for you and doesn’t let other areas of his life interfere with your alone time.

5) He is kind

Good men are not just kind to you, but they are kind to others. If you are still on the fence about being with a man, watch how he treats other people.

For eons, women have looked to how a man treats his mother, but pay attention to how he treats co-workers, how he treats wait staff at the local restaurant, and how he interacts with strangers.

Kind men see people; they don’t just glaze over them in passing. If he does this to other people, he is likely to do it to you.

6) He is honest

A man who respects you will always tell you the truth, even if it is hard to do. There’s a big difference between being a jerk and being candid.

Sometimes hard conversations need to be had in relationships, and if he respects you, he’ll be able to have those conversations with you.

If he doesn’t, you’ll find him drinking beer with his buddies trying to avoid the situation.

A real man will step up even when it’s uncomfortable because he knows the relationship, and you, are worth it.

7) He is grateful for who you are

When a man is comfortable in his own skin, he won’t try to get you to change who you are.

He’ll not only make room for your awesomeness in his life, but he will encourage you at every turn to do what feels right for you.

Your strong, independent nature is not going to scare him off.

8) He is in it to win it

He will be committed to you no matter what.

You’ll be able to tell early on that this guy is the real deal when he starts talking about making plans for the future, and when you are settled into your relationship, he’ll continue to show up and be his authentic self later on.

There’s no need to hide who he is because he knows you’ll accept him for him, and that’s where he feels safe.

9) He makes you feel protected

A real man always makes his partner feel safe, whether physically or emotionally.

It’s not like you need him to take a bullet for you, but it would be nice if he did stand up for you when you are bitching about your boss.

A man that respect you gets it when will make you feel welcome, protected and safe at every turn.

10) He delivers on all fronts: mind, body, soul

Not only does he take care of your mental well-being, but he doesn’t hold back in the bedroom either.

A real man is confident in his body and wants to show you that confidence when you are alone.

He puts your own mind at ease about your body and tells you how amazing you are every day.

11) He is happy to lead or follow

A man with integrity is not threatened by a strong woman and so if you feel the need to take charge of what is going on around you, he’ll give you space to that.

But he’s perfectly happy to take charge if the situation calls for you.

There are no scorned feelings here because he knows you two are partners; it’s not a competition.

12) He can make the tough decisions

When you are feeling overwhelmed and need someone to take the reigns, he can do that.

He can pull the plug on something that is not working and you’ll respect him for it. He’ll return the favour to you when you are able.

Whether you need a shoulder to cry on or you need a kick in the pants to quit that job and go after your dream business already, he’ll be there to help you make those tough calls.

13) He will always take responsibility for what he does

If he messes up, you better believe a respectful man is going to own up to it fast.

It might be said and done and he’ll be at your doorstep telling you all about it because he doesn’t want you to find out from someone else that he dropped the ball.

If he starts a fight, he’ll admit it. If he shows up late, he won’t make excuses. He’ll just say he is sorry for keeping you waiting.

14) He speaks his mind

You can either love him or hate him for it, but a real man is going to tell you what he thinks.

He’ll also respect your thoughts and opinions so don’t think you need to hold back when grievances are being aired.

It’s a free for all when it comes to being honest and he will always be honest with you.

15) He is cool with you doing your own thing

A real man does not need to be in your life every second of the day. He knows you have things you want to achieve in life and there might not be a place for him in those areas.

That doesn’t make him feel threatened or less needed because he knows the place he has in your life.

16) He puts you first

When push comes to shove, he will always show up for you, no matter what.

He lets you know that he cares because he puts your needs ahead of his own.

It might be something as simple as driving you to work when you get a flat tire, despite making himself late in the process.

He’s ready to give it all up to make you happy, and that’s how you know that you’ve got yourself a real man.

9 Habits You Could Develop In A Relationship To Earn Your Partner’s Respect

Respect is important in a relationship. There’s just no denying that. It’s absolutely imperative that two people who are in a relationship with one another actually do respect each other. No relationship whether romantic or not could possibly ever survive without the establishment of respect between the two individuals involved. It takes for mutual respect between two people to really build an emotional bond and connection with one another. When the mutual respect is compromised, then the relationship as a whole is also compromised.
So what is respect exactly? And how can two people actually build on their respect for one another? In a nutshell, respect is about the recognition of one’s worth and value as an individual; the awareness that underneath a human’s exterior shell lies the soul of an individual who is supposed to be treated with high regard.

And it’s sad to note that a lot of people still fall victim to practicing bad habits in their relationship which are also blatant acts of disrespect. And these acts of disrespect can manifest themselves in so many different ways; it would be pointless to try and list them all here. Remember that each individual human being is special and the can have their own individual standards of respect. That’s why communication is always important in a relationship so you can really understand each other in an optimal manner and that you don’t cross any lines or boundaries with one another.

But if you’re feeling completely lost and clueless with how to really show your partner that you respect them, you don’t have to fret at all. While there is no one-size-fits-all solution to showing respect for your partner and earning their respect in return, there are some best practices that you could take note of and adopt for your own relationship. You just always have to be mindful of your own doings and the emotional impact your words and actions can have on your partner. Remember that part of earning someone’s respect is being able to give it in return. And just to put you on the right track, make sure that you follow the tips that are listed on here to the best of your abilities. Here are 11 habits that you could develop in a relationship to earn your partner’s respect.

1. Don’t neglect your sense of self.
In order for you to gain the respect of another person, you must first be able to respect yourself. You can’t expect your partner to respect you on a daily basis if you don’t value your own individuality. Build your own life; build a life that you could actually be proud of.
2. Be aware of the things that frustrate your partner.
Know the things that make your partner tick. Be sensitive of your partner’s feelings. Know what bad habits you might have that are actually negatively affecting the way that they see you in the relationship. You have to always be on your best behavior.
3. Make sure that you are someone your partner can rely on.
Dependability goes a long way in a relationship. Remember that you are both partners in life. You have to have each other’s backs. You have to be able to depend on one another. Your partner couldn’t respect someone they couldn’t rely on.
4. Practice healthy habits when you argue with each other.
Arguments are going to happen in a relationship. You won’t always see eye to eye on everything. But the quickest way to lose someone’s respect would be to resort to immature and unhealthy forms of argumentation. Keep things mature and civil at all times.
5. Be supportive of your partner’s goals and dreams.
It can’t just always be about how you feel in a relationship. You have to be mindful of your partner’s goals and dreams as well. You have to make sure that you don’t make your partner feel neglected or undervalued.
6. Always be fully present whenever you’re together.
That means stowing your phone away on dates. That means keeping yourself from checking other people out when you’re together. When you’re spending time with each other, really be present.
7. Practice complete honesty at all times with your partner.
Honesty is expensive don’t expect it from cheap people. If you show your partner respect, then you know that respect always comes hand in hand with honesty. Be truthful and honest with your partner about everything. Always be open to them.
8. Set your boundaries for one another.
Again, respect can mean many things to many different people. That’s why you have to set your boundaries for each other early on so that you know that you aren’t crossing any lines in the relationship.
9. Apologize whenever you screw up.
And lastly, learn to humble yourself. One of the greatest signs of respect is being able to just swallow your pride and apologize whenever you screw up or do something wrong in the relationship.

Recovery and Relationships

Recovery from drug and alcohol addiction is a long and arduous path. It is not a fleeting few months spent in a treatment center, but a lifelong determination and commitment that must be followed by all who have struggled with substance dependency. Substance abuse recovery is not just a solo mission either. When a person is striving towards a life of freedom from chemical dependence, this is a journey that will involve their family members and close friends too, for better or for worse. This is why it becomes very complicated in a relationship when one person has managed to garner strength and sobriety while another partner recreationally drinks or does drugs. “Complicated” may be an understatement, as the risk involved is quite great when a person is trying to stay sober yet their partner isn’t.
As people strive to garner strength in their sobriety, they must take responsibility for all aspects of their life, and that includes the happiness and strength of those around them. Primarily, success in sobriety is not easily maintained if a recovering addict cannot improve the lives of their family members and loved ones. It is very difficult to stay sober if everyone else around an individual is struggling or experiencing hardship or, perhaps worse of all, experiencing any degree of substance abuse themselves. Tips for Helping a Partner Get Sober
Life as a recovering addict is not easy. Recovering addicts want to help others. They usually feel as though they have been helped greatly by others to get themselves clean in the first place, so they generally speaking want to return the flow and help others in any way they can. In its own way, this is a slippery slope. Recovering addicts must put their own recovery and health first and not compromise their own sanity and happiness in an effort to help others. With that in mind, consider the following advice for how to help a spouse or loved one without putting oneself at risk:

Get connected in a sobriety network. This is a wise first action. If you are not already connected to a recovery network, get connected in one. If you are already in one, get connected in more than one. This will serve a dual purpose. For starters, if you are dealing with a spouse or partner who is abusing substances, you will likely need more help in convincing them to stop. You can bring them to support groups and impress upon them the importance of total sobriety for the both of you. Furthermore, if you get extremely stressed out trying to help them, you can also get help from those groups to make sure that your own sobriety is not shaken.
Do not fall into co-dependency. Co-dependency is the keynote of spousal and relationship substance abuse. It is a behavioral crisis. When one or more members of a marriage or relationship are abusing substances, enablement is going to occur and a co-dependency one to the other will develop if you don’t put your foot down and establish boundaries right away. Co-dependency happens when each member of a relationship (this can expand outwards into families too) becomes dependent on the other. When a spouse or partner is abusing substances, as painful as it might be, you must distance yourself from them to a degree. You need to make sure that you keep your life and theirs somewhat separate, at least until they cease substance abuse. You can’t afford to fall into co-dependency. Co-dependency is the predecessor to accepted, negative behavior.
Tough love is the only love. When confronting a substance-abusing spouse or partner, tough love is the only love. You can’t afford to let your own sobriety be put at risk, and you can’t let your partner become a full-on substance abuser either. You need to draw a line and then tow that line, and you need to make it very clear what you expect of them and why. Many say that “Ultimatums are the death knell of a relationship," and that may be true, but this is one ultimatum that you can throw around. This is one ultimatum that you can use because your own sobriety depends on it. Make it clear that you expect total sobriety in your relationship and don’t take no or any bargaining chip for an answer.

A Relationship Takes Work
No relationship is easy. Anyone who says otherwise is likely not in a real partnership or is just trying to PR you. For people in recovery, a relationship, just like any other aspect of life, is going to take more work than perhaps what you are used to. Life takes more work for people in recovery because they must constantly create strength, stability, and resolution in their recovery.
The path to recovery is not an easy one to walk, but millions of Americans walk it every year with great success. Work at your own recovery with zeal and passion and do your best to help those close to you do the same if they need to. You will be better off if you do.

Statements That May be Helpful for “Normal” Couples, But are Destructive in Abusive/Narcissistic Relationships

Abusers love it when you give them the benefit of the doubt. In fact, they bank on it. The more you overlook their mean behaviors, the better positioned they are to manipulate you and exploit your good nature in the future.

It takes two to tango

This message suggests that the reason you’re having problems is because both of you are equally responsible. Loved ones and bystanders buy in to this belief as well, suggesting that the two of you are just a ‘bad fit’ bringing the worst out of each other. The truth is narcissists bring out the worst in anyone they get emotionally entangled with.

Quit bringing up the past; move on

In a narcissist’s world, the past was five minutes ago when he/she called you an idiot. When in an abusive relationship, it is important to identify patterns, rather than isolated events. Everyone has problems, “melt downs,” and irrational behaviors which may be injurious to those closest to them; but in abusive relationships, the infractions are patterns, not anomalies, as in the case of healthy relationships.

Forgive and forget

As mentioned above, abusers exploit conscientious people’s good qualities, such as the ability to forgive.  I’m not saying don’t forgive, but as you do the forgiving don’t expect the other party to be (a) repentant; (b) remorseful; (c) willing to change.  Rather, expect the opposite: (1) continual hurtful behavior; (2) lack of insight; (3) no empathy for the harm caused.
Don’t feel bad for having a memory and not forgetting the bad things that happened. In fact, remembering is probably a healthy trait for someone in an abusive relationship, because so often, victims of abuse experience “abuse amnesia.”

Pay attention to the words he/she is saying; don’t read in to it

Abusers love it when you just listen to their words, ignoring their implications and non-verbal messages, because this causes you to doubt your intuition and ultimately yourself. This way, abusers can gaslight you all day long while you take everything at face value, ignoring their covert agenda.

Wives, submit to your husbands

If your husband is the abuser and you are of the Judeo-Christian faith, then you have probably heard that the Bible instructs you to submit to your husband. In an abusive situation the husband will use that statement to the best of his abusive nature’s advantage. Your husband will adhere only to this one piece of scripture, ignoring all others (such as, “submit one to another,” and “treat your wife in an understanding way,” and so on.

Learn to communicate better; or, “You can catch more flies with honey”

In other words, many counselors believe the problem in the relationship is a communication problem. While this may be true, the solution does not reside in the couple, but rather in the perpetrator. This advice implies that the partner of an abuser must learn to communicate in a manner that prevents him or herself from being abused, because, after all, the abuser was only reacting to your poor initial statements.
You may think, “I was a little rough,” or, “Maybe I should have waited until later to bring this up.” Believing this falsehood causes victims to continue to feel responsible for the healthiness of the relationship, completely removing responsibility from the abuser.
Remember this one truth: Each one of us is responsible for our own behavior.  We ALL have choices.

“Maybe he/she needs ‘anger management’ classes”
This is a myth. Abusers don’t need to take anger management classes. Abuse may look like an anger management problem, but it is far more sinister than just an inability to manage one’s anger. Abusers have no desire to change. In fact, when abusers go to therapy or anger management classes, they simply learn more covert ways of displaying their hurtful behaviors, while their partners naively believe that all they really need to do is learn to manage their anger.
If you are the victim of an abuser, do you honestly think that the person can’t control him/herself? Think about it – abusers are very good at “managing.” The prerequisite for anger management or counseling to work is that the individuals seeking treatment want to change.  Abusers don’t want to change, they enjoy hurting others. It makes them feel superior and powerful.
Understanding that everyone does that which brings them a certain payoff, and for abusers, making others feel badly brings them a morbid sense of satisfaction.
If you can convince an abuser to go to anger management classes and the problems still exist, the abuser will most likely use this to his/her advantage making comments such as, “I took anger management classes and you’re still not happy!  Nothing is ever enough for you!”

You need to learn conflict resolution

What people fail to realize in abusive relationships is that the abuser/narcissist caused the conflict in the first place and has no desire to resolve anything.  Yes, conflict resolution is a valuable skill to acquire, but in relationships with abusers, there will be no resolve, and it’s not your fault. Remember this reality.
There’s a concept known as “rupture and repair,” which describes how intimate relationships are borne from a multiplicity of experiences, including the experiences of “rupture and repair.” This occurs when the relationship is put to the test via some conflict. In healthy relationships it’s not the fact that a rupture has occurred, but rather that it is resolved.

Let it go

It is always good advice to not hang on to things forever, beating a dead horse; but, in an abusive relationship, if you just let it go every time something bad happens you train the abuser that he or she will never be held accountable for poor behavior.  The relationship will continue forever in this pattern. This is really not a healthy way to live.
Instead of just letting things go, learn to demand accountability and set firm boundaries for what you will or will not accept.

Everyone Has Problems

This statement, said in an abusive relationship, encourages the victim to put up with abuse.

Why is Couples Counseling Counter-Productive in Abusive Relationships?

Many people who find themselves married to an abuser tend to believe that marriage counseling is the solution.
A lot of these people believe that they have a relationship problem, such as communication or conflict resolution issues. Everyone, including the counselor, fails to see that the problem with the relationship resides within the abuser.
The solution to the problem is the abuser’s to fix, and the partner’s job is to stop being responsible for the well-being of the relationship.
People who abuse others do not ever have healthy relationships. Usually, this is because abusive people lack empathy and have an inability to validate others’ feelings.
Suppose you are married to an abusive person and you suggest seeking couple’s therapy. You go to your first session and explain to the counselor that you “fight a lot,” or, “argue too much,” or some such scenario. The counselor listens to both parties as each explains his/her side of the problem. Many detrimental effects can result:

The therapist tends to assume that both parties are being honest. Abusers lie and manipulate therapists, counselors, pastors, etc. Think “Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde.” During sessions the abuser will act contrite, willing, open, and transparent. This is all about “impression management,” There is no real intent to change.
Many counselors believe that the problem is relationship-caused, or involves a “systems” therapy approach. This means that the therapist believes that each part of the dyad is responsible for creating the relationship “dynamic.” With this as the presupposition, the counselor proceeds with treatment.
If the victim of abuse were to tell the truth to the counselor in front of his/her partner, then on the way home from the session, the abusive partner may commence with “pay back.” This could be in the form of the silent treatment, sulking, seething rage, or even verbal or physical violence. This teaches the victim to keep his/her mouth shut during the next session, and continue to keep on the “mask” he/she wears everywhere else.
Abusers use their partners as their frames of reference for their behaviors. An abuser will continue to reinforce this concept when undergoing couple’s counseling. This will not benefit either party.
The type of therapy needed for characterological issues, such as abusive behavior, is vastly different than the therapy needed for neurotic pathologies, such as anxiety and depression. A therapist cannot utilize the two approaches needed for therapy in a couple’s session.
The individuals need separate therapy in order for each party to focus on him/herself rather than on the relationship. When treating a couple, the counselor will miss the complete dichotomy of the problems involved. The abuser needs to learn how to stop abusing and the partner needs to learn how to stop being abused.
Couples counseling is not a treatment for abuse any more than it is a treatment for an addiction. Suppose an addict went to couples therapy to stay sober from his or her drug of choice. Would that work? No. The addict needs to recover from his/her addiction first; individual issues, second; and relationship difficulties, last. Doing couples counseling apart from personal growth is pointless. In fact, once a person has dealt with his or her individual problems, there most likely will not be a need for couple’s therapy at all.

Therapists really are not supposed to pick sides or act as a judge. When abuse is involved in a relationship the counselor cannot sit, in good faith, and pretend to find this acceptable; nor can he/she provide empathy to the abuser. The abuser needs to be held accountable. The victim needs to experience empathy. How can a counselor assign empathy only to one person in the room?
Even by being willing to see a couple together in an abusive relationship, the abuser is given the unspoken message that the problem is not that serious and that it is, indeed, a relationship problem involving joint responsibility.
Many counselors tend to put all problems in the same category of urgency. For instance, one partner has a problem with criticizing her partner, while the other partner has a problem with disorganization. The counselor may falsely place both problems in the same level of damage to the relationship. And when dealing with manipulators, they will definitely capitalize on this process.
This is damaging; being unorganized is not a characterological problem, nor is it abusive to either party. It may be annoying to live with someone who is scatter-brained, or sloppy, or late, but if the behavior isn’t intentionally manipulative or coercive, then it should not carry the same weight as name-calling or silent treatments, or other hurtful behaviors.
The best treatment for abusers is group counseling, explicitly tailored to address controlling and damaging behaviors and attitudes. The most effective groups involve cognitive behavior therapy, accountability, and consequences. Individual therapy can also be beneficial to an abuser, as long as the therapist addresses the proper issues. Once the individual problems have been addressed, then, maybe, couple’s counseling can be beneficial.
In my opinion, it is helpful to treat abusers the same way you treat addicts. You teach them how to work a “program of recovery;” “recovery,” being abstinence from all hints of entitlement, selfishness, manipulation, and controlling behaviors – either covert or overt.

 
The partners of abusers are not completely off the hook, however. The partners need to understand that if they allow themselves to be abused, they will only normalize it and teach the abuser that they will, indeed, tolerate it. This conditions the abuser to continue on with no penalties.
If you are with someone who hurts you, you need to work your own “program of recovery,” and refrain yourself from participating in unhealthy relationships. The help you need will not be found in couple’s therapy.

Not Sure If the Relationship Is Working? Answer These 5 Questions

Is his love for you sweet or sour?
Are you in a one-sided relationship with someone you are in love with, but you’re not sure loves you back? Or maybe you’re dating someone who used to seem madly in love with you, and who showed you and told you so every day, but now you’re seeing signs that you might need to let go and you should break up?
It can be just as confusing to know how to tell if a guy likes you as it is to know when it’s time to break up with your boyfriend, no matter how many people you ask for dating advice about it.
And it’s scary when you’re wondering how you’ll ever let go of someone you love, even if he currently has you feeling nothing but the pain of an already broken heart.
Breaking up and letting go of someone you love is a very hard thing to do. Much like the hope that a coma victim will wake up, the hope of resurrecting lost love is one that’s hard to let go of.
Warning Signs You’re in a One-Sided Relationship
So what are the signs you should breakup, and how do you decide when it’s really time to pull the plug and walk away?
Work through this checklist, and see if any or all of these criteria fit your situation. If they do, then perhaps it’s time to let go of your one-sided relationship and move on.
Here are questions to ask yourself in order to know when it’s time to break up with your boyfriend when you can’t figure out how to tell if he likes you or is stringing you along.
1. Are Your Thoughts Only About Him?
Do you spend much of your waking hours thinking about your man? Do you spend hours stalking him on social media, listening to songs that remind you of him, and trying to figure out ways to run into him?
If the answers to these questions are “yes,” then you may be experiencing something called obsessive love. Obsessive love is when one person feels an obsessive desire to possess and protect another person with an inability to accept rejection or failure.
Love is a wonderful, giving, open emotion. Obsession is a harsh, angry, destructive one.
So, if the love you feel for your man is obsession, then it’s definitely time to let go. It’s not healthy for either of you.

2. Does He Give You Mixed Messages?
Is your man alternating between hot and cold? On some days, does he seem like his loving self, and then others he is crabby and distant and no fun to be with?
Unless your man has bipolar disorder, a man who is playing up and down with his woman is a man no longer interested.
If a man wants something, particularly a woman, he will move heaven and earth to get it. If your man only wants you some days and not others, then he isn’t making any effort at all to keep you.
So, unless your man is always hot for you, let him go.
3. Does He Have Anything to Offer?
Being with a man who runs hot and cold can be very upsetting. Even worse, but harder to spot, is a man who gives you nothing.
Has your man stopped asking how you are doing? Has he stopped asking you out on dates or bringing home the groceries or including you in activities with his friends? Does he no longer listen when you talk or seem to care at all about what you think?
A man like this is a man who has nothing left to give to the woman he used to love.
Unfortunately, for many women, when they are trying to save a relationship that was once so promising, they become so obsessed with saving it that they don’t notice how little of it still exists.
They will talk more to fill in the silences left by the absence of questions. They will invite themselves along on outings they weren’t invited to. They will plan things that the two of them can do together. As a result, women don’t notice that their man has completely checked out.
So, take a moment and think about your relationship. What has your man done for you lately? If the list is short, then it’s time to let him go.
One Key to Letting Go Is the Strength You’ve Built So Far in Life

4. Does Your History Together Keep Repeating Itself?
Are you and your guy stuck in a cycle of good and bad, up and down, highs and lows? Are there days when things feel almost like they used to and then days when things are so bad that you want to cry?
Does your man tell you that he needs space and disappear only to reappear a few weeks later telling you how much he misses you?
If you find yourself in these kinds of patterns, where things are never constantly good but rather a roller coaster of emotions that is sucking you dry, then it’s time to let go.
5. Are You Afraid You’ll Never Love or Be Loved Again?
Be honest. Do you sometimes think that you just can’t let this guy go because, if you do, you will never love or be loved again?
Do you think about going back on dating apps or do you worry that you might have to attend the family or office Christmas party alone, and feel nothing but dread at the prospect?
If you are feeling this way, then it’s time to let go of your man. If you are staying with your guy because you are worried that there won’t ever be someone else, then you are staying with him for the wrong reasons.
There will be another love out there for you, but you will never find him if you’re stuck in a relationship that isn’t making you happy.

If you can let go of this one, then you will set yourself up, physically and energetically, to find that person who will love you forever.
You are probably reading this article because you suspect, deep down, that the relationship you are in isn’t the right one for you.
But it’s hard to admit this and even harder to let go. However, it is essential, for your mental health and the health of your future love life, that you pay hard attention to whether it’s time to let go of a lost love.
Is he treating you well? Is the love you feel for him healthy? Are you worried you will never love again?
Ask yourself these questions and, if the answers fit, be determined to let go of your lost love.

Relationship Recovery: 5 Steps To Create A Mindset For Harmony

 Healthy, loving relationships are a cornerstone for happiness and peace. When we lack positive connections with others, it is difficult to feel completely fulfilled and whole. While frequent problems in relationships might seem common, they don’t have to be. From family and friends, to co-workers and colleagues; all of our relationships can be positive and harmonious if you believe it.
Too often, we expect that stress and strife will be part of our relationships at some point. We live in a reactionary state, waiting for an issue to arise and then responding when feeling highly emotional. While wanting to be prepared for problems is seemingly responsible, it can attract unnecessary negativity. What we expect is what we create, especially in our relationships.
Proactive mindfulness helps us to be positively effective. We can learn to be prepared without necessarily giving voice to our worries and fears, and without letting long-standing detrimental beliefs run the show. In relationships, this takes practice; think of it as a spiritual practice. Creating harmony is truly more about creating a mindset for it, then about reacting to situations that may deter from it. It all starts and comes from within.
Having a practice to consciously create harmony in our relationships is a great way to focus positive energy around our connections to others, as well as solidifying our mindset for harmony and balance. The following five steps are centered around this purpose. They are a spiritual and common sense path to help us create the most basic of human needs; loving relationships.

1. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
If you ignore your self-care on any level, expect to see it mirrored in your relationships. When you neglect your own needs, others will neglect you in some manner. This is because the message and energy you send out into the universe is that you aren’t worthy; caring for ourselves is a direct reflection of self-worth.
We cannot be in our best state of well-being and high vibrating energy if we are not taking excellent care of ourselves. Eating healthy, physical, activity, resting, sleeping, relaxation, creative outlets, doing what brings us joy and spending time with those who make us happy are just a few ways to love ourselves. When we do not give ourselves the time or permission to do what we love, we are neglecting our own needs. When we do not eat the healthiest foods, we are neglecting health and well-being. When we continuously push ourselves to do more and rest less, we are neglecting our mind, body and spirit. This all culminates into lowering our vibration, which in turn will attract other low vibrating energy into our lives.
In relationships, this low vibrating energy can show up in many forms. Anger, stress, problems with communication, intimacy issues, and just plain not getting along. Not to mention, with low vibrating energy comes emotional chaos and cloudy thinking; making our perspective less then positive. Self-care is vital to positivity in all areas of our lives and it is absolutely necessary for harmonious relationships both personally and professionally.

2. SET INTENTIONS
If you want to manifest something you desire, you have to ask for it. Healthy and happy relationships are no different. Having a clear vision of what you truly desire is crucial.
Too often, we simply make general statements about our relationships in terms of what we want; “I just want love” or “I just want kind people in my life” are not really statements that paint a clear picture. Don’t be afraid to get more specific about your needs and ask spirit to help connect you with people who meet them.
Use a vision board to represent the characteristics and kinds of people that you want to surround yourself with on a regular basis. Pictures and words that help you visualize the kind of life you truly want are powerful tools that connect and align you with the energy of what you desire, while helping you remain focused on it. Use Pinterest so you can add to and view the vision of your relationships on a daily basis; fill that board with quotes, words, pictures and images that represent what you want to create.

3. COMMUNICATE YOUR BOUNDARIES
When you create a clear vision of the kinds of relationships you desire, you must live in accordance with it and use it to guide you in setting healthy boundaries. Loving, honest communication is the best way to maintain health boundaries and your vision board is the standard for what you will allow into your life.
For example, If you want reciprocity, a balance with giving and receiving, then you must avoid doing everything for everyone and ask others for help when you need it. If your actions do not align with your intentions, you send mixed messages to the universe and create chaotic energy; attracting negativity into your life.
Boundaries can range from developing new habits, like asking for help, and communicating your feelings to distancing yourself from toxic situations. Use your visions board as your guide and remember, what you continually allow is what you continually attract. The choice is completely yours; you control the relationships you have in your life.

4. FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION
If it doesn’t feel right for you, then it isn’t right for you; even if you cannot explain why. Our intuition doesn’t lie, because energy doesn’t lie. Our gut feelings about people are based on energy and it’s time to trust them completely.
Most of us can name a time when we knew someone wasn’t good for us to let into our lives, but we ignored our instincts and were later hurt by this person in some way. So why do we we ignore our intuitive feelings? Guilt is a primary reason. We feel guilty because we cannot explain these feelings, which makes us think we might be judgmental or unkind.
It is not unkind to trust yourself. It is not unkind to act in accordance with what you know is right for you. It is, however, unkind to make a person believe you want them in your life; when actually you are uncertain. That is called inauthenticity; it’s dishonesty. Choose to follow your intuition and lead an honest, authentic life. Only participate in relationships you truly want and trust yourself know which ones they are. Authentic relationships are harmonious because they don’t continually cause stress from living a lie.

5. LEARN TO LET GO
When a relationship causes you continual pain, stress or unhappiness; it’s a sign that something has to change. In relationships, making a personal change to your behavior, or your dynamic in the relationship, can help to create positivity; but sometimes that is not enough. In the case of toxic relationships; you have to learn to let go.
The degree of letting go will vary depending on circumstances. It can mean anything from spending less time with someone to walking away completely. You have to determine what works best for you and honor what your intuition is telling you.
Sometimes, just changing your role and not continuing the same patterns is enough; it’s a way of accepting the other person while respecting your own needs. In this case, put aside past expectations and be realistic about what kind of relationship is truly possible given what you have been shown time and time again. The important thing is to be very honest with yourself about what you can tolerate and live in accordance with that (use your vision board as a guide). It means you have to let go of what you may have wanted for the relationship, and be realistic about what you can actually have and, most importantly, if you truly want to remain in the relationship.
We often remain in toxic relationships out of fear or obligation. We convince ourselves it’s unkind to walk away or spend less time with someone, so we are dishonest about our true feelings and continue as if nothing is wrong. It’s far more loving to be honest and honor our feelings, especially when we have tried to create harmony, and to learn to let go of a relationship that is t working. When we do this, we make room in our lives for positive new relationships and we live much more authentically; benefitting everyone in our lives.
We all deserve healthy, loving relationships. Believe it is possible and create a practice for your own harmonious relationships. All you need to do is take the first step!

Recovery After a Controlling Relationship

It takes a long time to recover from an abusive and controlling relationship. Being monitored, isolated, stalked and abused leave their mark. Below are suggestions for people who have left a relationship of coercive control. People who are still in such a relationship should seek help from a domestic violence advocate, even if there is no physical violence. But beyond the break-up; before they can feel completely well again;victims/survivors need to focus on recovering. I’ve organized these suggested activities under the acronym RECOVERY.
Reclaiming activities that had been blocked by the abuser. For instance, Sharon’s partner did not want her to go on walks alone. After separating, she felt a wave of liberation every time she laced up her walking shoes.
Embodying. Being kind to one's body by becoming physically active and eating well helps a person feel better all around. In a controlling relationship, many people become alienated from their physical selves. For instance, Pat had no choice about when to engage in sex nor about what food to prepare for the family. Walking, yoga, dancing, lifting weights, stretching, bopping to the radio;all these can help survivors feel their vitality again

Connecting with family, friends, and supportive professionals. Abusers deliberately separate their victims from others. Reconnecting with their social circle helps survivors regain support and a sense of themselves. Abby's husband made it difficult for her to visit her parents and complained every time she was on the phone with friends. Over time, she grew more and more dependent on him for all her social contact and her self-esteem plummeted. After their separation, Abby discovered that her loved ones were eager to spend time with her again. Psychotherapists also provide important support for survivors and help them face the challenges ahead. To be effective with survivors, therapists must understand the concept of coercive control;which is still a new idea to many.
Organizing time and physical space can help a person feel less overwhelmed. After Katrina moved out with her children, all the possessions she had been able to grab were in plastic bags and she despaired of ever feeling "normal" again. Arranging her belongings into labeled boxes in her shelter room helped her feel more settled. She noticed that her children responded positively to a more orderly living space, too. A daily routine also helps organize one's emotional life.
Verbalizing. Sharing the true story of the relationship;in ways that feel right;can be empowering. Some survivors start by keeping a diary where they can be honest with themselves. Then they speak with selected friends and family who they know will be supportive. Telling one's true story helps survivors cope with their feelings and may also have positive practical effects. For instance, when Carla explained her home situation, her boss became much firmer about denying her ex access to the workplace and not giving him any information over the phone regarding Carla's whereabouts.

Expressing oneself creatively. Dancing. Drawing. Gardening. Singing. Many victims shut down creatively during the Coercive Control relationship, busily attending to their partner’s every demand. Releasing one's creative side can be a step on the path to recovery. When her abusive relationship ended, Chris began drawing cartoons and then repainted her apartment with vibrant colors. She loved choosing the paint herself and;room by room;as she wielded the roller she felt as if she was covering over bad memories and reclaiming the space as "hers" in a new way.
Remembering. Some survivors compile a list of the controlling incidents that they experienced. The list helps them appreciate what they’ve been through and realize their own strength. They can take pride in the courage they showed, and look forward to a full life as a free person. Greg kept a list on his computer. He added to it as he remembered abusive incidents. After a few months he printed and read the list and began to appreciate how completely he had been subject to his partner's control. Reviewing the list fortified his gratitude for being free and his determination not to allow himself to fall back into the relationship again.
You. Survivors need to learn to put themselves at the center of their lives. After structuring their time around the abusers' demands, it can be difficult for survivors even to remember their own opinions and wishes. Abusers convince their victims that their opinions are stupid and wrong, leading victims to change the way they view themselves and the world. Stark (2007) has referred to this elimination of a victim's perspective in a coercive control relationship as "perspecticide." Survivors often hear the abuser's critical voice in their heads. It is important to learn to replace that voice with a kind one. When Maria finally persuaded her boyfriend to move out, at first she felt lost without him. She felt as if she wasn't herself and couldn't remember how she had once lived without her boyfriend's constant demands and presence. Over time, she rediscovered her own opinions and began to re-engage in hobbies that she had once loved. She began to enjoy spending time by herself and with friends and family, without having to check constantly for her boyfriend's approval.

It is natural for survivors to feel fear and regret from time to time. Looking ahead will give them hope. It is usually best for survivors to separate themselves as much as possible from the controlling person and his contacts, so they cannot be controlled or monitored through someone else. (Of course, this will take a different kind of planning if they share young children). Survivors can look forward to a fulfilling life after ending a coercive control relationship. Recovery does not happen overnight but with time--it does happen.