It's great to be unconditional in love, but not stupid. Here are some questions you must ask your partner and a few you must ask yourself before you commit to them forever.
Not everything comes with lifetime guarantee. Especially relationships. As much as two people might be in love, life happens. And then it isn't just love, but practical stuff that determines how your days, weeks, and years with your partner turn out. In order to save yourself from a series of heartbreaks, here are 15 conversations to have and questions to ask your partner.
1. Did you think of marriage/commitment before you met me?
This might not be a romantic thing to ask soon after or before a proposal, but this question will help you get a deeper insight into their beliefs about marriage. Did they always think marriage wasn't for them and then you came along? Watch out. As romantic as it might seem, their core beliefs might crop up years later.
2. Do you plan to have kids? What are your thoughts about it?
Do you like kids? Have you thought about having one or few yourself? If so, how would you like to raise them? Would you consider co-parenting as the only way through?
3. How do you like to spend your money?
Do you have any loan that I should be aware of? Do you have a habit of saving? Where would you like to spend most of your money? Would you consider co-saving or do you prefer individual accounts forever?
4. Is there an ex you are still friends with and what role do they play in your life?
This is a big one. If your partner hasn't said much about their past relationships, it's to broach the subject with lighter questions about "what did you learn from your past relationships?" This will get them to talk without getting defensive. If there is an ex who is still in touch, be honest about your own comfort level and express this to your partner.
5. Is there any subject that you are very sensitive about?
This can save you from many arguments that are triggered by accidental remarks. If your partner is super sensitive about their physical abilities (to move things around, trek up, energy level), even a small comment like "God, I should have hired a professional to get the stuff moved" will make them feel criticized.
6. How do you feel about your parents' marriage/relationship?
Whether you like it or not, our parents' relationship has a huge influence on our lives. Your partner's core beliefs about companionship, intimacy, attachment style, honesty, mode of communication etc. are likely to be impacted by what he/she grew up watching as a kid. By understanding how they feel about this will make a lot of their behavior and defense mechanisms more understandable.
7. What're your worst fears when it comes to marriage/long-term relationship?
Do they fear feeling lonely? Does the thought of lifelong commitment scare them? Is their worst fear being cheated on or losing you to someone else? All these things say a lot about their unconscious fears and worries.
Is it just sex that they consider as cheating? What about flirting? What about emotional infidelity? What about talking about you secrets with another friend? Is it okay to be too close to one of your friends even if they share nothing but a good rapport? How comfortable are you with it?
9. How do you feel about religion?
While this is something you are likely to have figured by the time it comes to a proposal, it is important to know values that are intrinsic to them. Do they have staunch beliefs about creation and life? You might be okay with that. But if this reflects on how they want to parent their kids, you need to consider how compatible this is with your own beliefs.
10. What's your dealbreaker?
What is something that can break the relationship beyond repair? Ask yourself this before you ask your partner. Is it cheating? If so, of what kind? What about not being there for the other in terms of need, lying, breaking promises?
11. Are we sexually compatible?
This is a biggie. Most couples assume that things will get in sync once they move in or get married. But if one person has a big appetite for sex and the other has low libido, talking about it before it gets too late is important.
12. How would you like a regular weekend to be?
You both might be loving every moment you spend together. This might make you do things you might not otherwise enjoy. But if you are a home bird and your partner likes to let his/her party animal have a wild night every weekend, then your daily routine might involve a lot of arguments.
13. What are your views on alcohol and drugs?
Many marriages and relationships that break due to substance abuse often have symptoms that were missed on during the early stage. When you ask this question, you attack any potential issues even before it begins to ruin both of your lives.
15. Will he/she be open to talk and listen even when we don't agree about something?
No two people will agree with each other at all times. There will be differences, disagreements, assumptions, biases, and annoying defense mechanisms at play. The only thing that will get you through all of these is your and your partner's willingness to listen and share without judgment.
16. Can I trust her/him with my feelings?
Can you trust your partner to understand that all feelings are natural and acceptable? Can they respect what you feel without ridiculing or reducing them by calling them as silly, too intense, dramatic, or "neurotic." Do you feel comfortable when you share your vulnerabilities and insecurities?
And finally, ask yourself this: Do I see myself growing as an individual besides her/him? Do they add to who I am or will I feel drained of my natural confidence, talent, time, energy, and resources?
No comments:
Post a Comment