How to fix a boring relationship, according to Dr. Ruth

Dr. Ruth has interviewed thousands of people about their sex lives — and she's found the biggest threat to a relationship happens outside the bedroom  

• Dr. Ruth Westheimer is a psychosexual therapist. She's found boredom — inside and outside the bedroom — is the biggest threat to a romantic relationship. 
• Before you give up on a boring relationship, Westheimer says you should try making your own life more exciting.  
• Other experts recommend trying new things with your partner as a way to combat boredom.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer separated from her second husband when their daughter was one year old.

In her 2015 memoir, "The Doctor Is In: Dr. Ruth on Love, Life, and Joie de Vivre," she explains what happened: "What we'd had was a great love affair, but there wasn't enough of a connection to sustain a marriage that would last a lifetime. One of the missing ingredients was intellectual stimulation."

Westheimer — better known simply as Dr. Ruth — is arguably the world's most famous sex therapist. At 89 years old, she's heard from thousands of people about their most pressing sex and relationship issues. Over time, she's learned that the biggest danger to a romantic relationship is boredom — and not just in the bedroom.

In "The Doctor Is In," Westheimer writes:

"I often speak about sexual boredom, and it's certainly a topic that magazines like Cosmo address regularly, but in my opinion, sexual boredom is only a minor aspect to a couple's not having a satisfying sex life. Intellectual boredom with each other is a much bigger culprit."

Westheimer tweets frequently about the hazards of a boring relationship. From February 2012: "Boredom affects not just your sexual relationship but your entire relationship. Seek out ways to push boredom out of your life." Boredom isn't necessarily the death knell for a relationship

Interestingly, other experts say boredom may not be an inherently negative experience. Elizabeth Bernstein at The Wall Street Journal reported that boredom can be a sign that you need to make a change in your relationship.
One therapist told The Journal that it's important to identify when and where you feel bored. Then talk to your partner about the situation — but instead of using the word "bored" or placing blame, suggest a new joint activity.
Indeed, research suggests that couples who try new things together are more satisfied with their relationships.

Westheimer concludes "The Doctor Is In" by answering questions she received from the audience at a production of "Becoming Dr. Ruth," a play based on her life. In response to a question about the biggest danger to a relationship, Westheimer responds (you guessed it): boredom.

She writes:

"The first step to fighting boredom is to recognize it. One clue is that you're always tired even though there's no particular cause, like a baby who wakes you five times a night or financial worries that keep you from falling asleep. The reason that you are tired is that there's nothing about your life that makes you excited."

Perhaps surprisingly, Westheimer recommends spicing up your own life as a way to combat relationship boredom: Visit the theater, join a book club, take an online course. "By investing in yourself in all these ways, you'll find that the fog of boredom will lift and the bright light of joie de vivre will being to light your life."

She caveats that if none of this is helping, you should seek professional guidance. And if Westheimer's experience in her second marriage is any indication, sometimes you may have to end the relationship.
The takeaway here is that, if you're on the fence about whether to stay in a boring relationship, you should exhaust all reasonable possibilities before giving up.

Here's Westheimer in "The Doctor Is In" again: "Joie de vivre isn't just a phrase that you sprinkle on your life now and then. It's an attitude that should permeate your every waking hour. It takes a little effort but let me assure you, the rewards are well worth it.

3 Signs Of Bad Communication In A Relationship & How To Fix It

I have a fancy, expensive degree in communications from New York University, so communicating with an SO should be as natural as breathing for me, right? Try again. While I did learn how to effectively express myself through concise language and understand the nuances of the unspoken (i.e. body language), that can all get Mojito-level muddled once feelings are involved. I've experienced my fair share of miscommunications that can be held almost entirely accountable for relationship downfalls. But what are the signs of bad communication in a relationship, and how do you fix it?

"Whether you've been on one date, dating for one week, one month, or one year, there will always be new things to learn about each other and learn to navigate together," says Lori Salkin, SawYouatSinai.com Senior Matchmaker and Dating Coach. "Having open and honest communication is the only way to truly succeed in a relationship."
As humans, we are constantly communicating, whether verbally or nonverbally, intentionally or unintentionally. Communication is simply the process by which information is exchanged. So being conscious of what info you're sharing and how you interpret the info your parter is sharing is crucial to how we learn — together. Of course, there is room for error (like, a lot of err). Here are the three key ways in which bad communication manifests and how to stop it from happening.

1. An Unwillingness To Be Open-Minded

You might not like to admit it, but even the best of us are at least a little set in our ways (which is the nice way to say stubborn). A lot of people think that compromise is a huge factor in successful relationships, and it is... but you cannot arrive at true compromise without first approaching your partner with an open mind.
"In every relationship, especially in the beginning, you are strangers coming from different places and will always have different opinions," says Salkin. "No two people are perfectly alike and every relationship takes compromise and a willingness to be open-minded." She continues that maintaining an open mind and honest communication allows couples to "[validate] each other's differences of opinions, and offer ... [a] willingness to communicate and agree to disagree to build a healthy relationship."

Expert Tip: Salkin advises that couples should avoid planning too far into the future (i.e. the five-year plan). The unpredictability of life makes it impossible to account for where you will go (both physically and mentally), how you will grow, or even who your kids will be.

2. You're Not Fighting (And Making Up)

It might seem counterintuitive to say not fighting is a sign of relationship doom, but according to Salkin, "good communication includes fighting and making up." As intellectual beings, humans are prone to clash with one another. In other words, no one (or couple) is perfect; disagreements come along with the roller coaster that is life. The good news? "It is the way in which [a couple] handles the disagreements that can enable a couple to succeed or break up," says Salkin.

Expert Tip: Salkin stresses the importance of having "realistic expectations about how people change and the curveballs life throws you." If you can do that, you'll have smooth makeups. And my tip? It doesn't take an expert to state the obvious here. Makeups = makeup sex. Jussayin'.

3. Issues Arise During The Times You're Not Together

The other day the guy I'm currently seeing went out to surf and then texted me that he would be back later than he expected. Sweet baby Jesus, thank you for this man.

"Communication issues often arise in the time between being together," Salkin explains. "It is very hard to sit and wait and have no idea when you will hear from your significant other." When you don't keep someone you love in the loop about your life, it starts entering the territory of disrespecting another person's time, which is just not cool. Technology might be starting to hinder humanity (case in point: every episode of Black Mirror), but with Salkin's advice, you can use it to benefit your relationship.

Expert Tip: As Salkin says, "A little ... goes a long way." "Send frequent messages, even if they only say 'still here' or 'things are still hectic,'" she continues. "Updates go a very long way in softening the frustration." Showing some effort between dates by checking in over text and the phone majorly steps up your communication game. Plus, it'll likely make your partner feel pretty special.

Of course, communication issues outside of these three factors, like a total lack thereof, might lead to a bigger struggle. In that case, it might be time to seriously check in with your SO on why that's happening. It might sound obvious, but put down your phones and do some activities together. Salkin makes a great point that not every date has to be talk, talk, talk, but instead, share experiences, and it's likely you'll find you have a lot more to talk about.

She concludes, "If the other person is not receptive to sharing reality with you, then it is unlikely to be a sustainable relationship."

How to Fix a Clingy Relationship

Are you clingy? Or, is your spouse or partner too demanding?

The wierd thing is that you were fine before this relationship. But, now you find yourself demanding his attention. Or you find yourself paranoid about what she's up to. You don't get it, but it's ruining everything.

To understand what's happening, let's examine the power of intimacy.

The Power of Intimacy: The world of physics teaches us a lot about relationships; it’s called The Field of Intimacy. When inside the field, all the rules of behavior change. Imagine when a rock traveling in space enters Earth’s gravitational field. The rock changes course and becomes a meteor – hurtling to oblivion.

When The Field of Intimacy works in your favor, the pull of a relationship can be enchanting. And when it triggers neurotic symptoms, it can hurt like hell. Once in the field’s grasp, you may ask yourself: Why is he so controlling? Or, why is she so angry?

Or, today’ question: Why Am I So Needy?

The Scene: Tammy heard from her boyfriend, Rory about thirty minutes ago. That’s about twenty five minutes too long, as Tammy sees it. She begins to get nervous, no agitated. Should I text? Why isn’t Rory getting back to me?

Tammy texts him again, not so subtly: WHERE ARE YOU?

No response.

A few minutes later, Rory’s back: What’s the problem?

Tammy: Why are you NEVER available?

Rory: THAT’S NOT TRUE.

Tammy responds: You're so selfish.

Rory answers: I can’t deal with this right now.

GOODBYE.

 Not good. Here's the question. Why is Tammy so needy?

And, why is Rory fed up?

Tammy’s Story: After graduating college Tami, age 25, has enjoyed a nice career. She writes for a well known blog and is respected, even by senior staff. Pretty and quick, Tammy has dated easily. Rory is a guy she really likes, which makes her neediness all the more annoying. She just can’t help it.

Tammy grew up in the suburbs, with a mom and dad, plus three younger siblings – all boys. Growing up, her mom dedicated herself to a great life for her kids, with endless driving, sporting events and performances. Dad, on the other hand, wasn’t around much. He ran a great business, and got most of his gratification from LEAVING home. Unfortunately for Tammy, Dad was narcissistic and not all that interested in her, despite her success. As ridiculous as it may sound, Tammy still hopes that one day Dad will marvel in her success.

She may not be consciously aware of it, but Tammy’s drive to succeed is colored by her father’s lack of true interest. And, her love interests are affected as well.

She wants guys who acknowledge her achievements. But often chooses guys who couldn’t care less. Tammy is in a neediness trap.  

Rory’s Story: Life was tougher for Rory growing up. He had burdens, and in his case it was his mom who had the narcissistic tendencies, always needing to be right and in control. When Rory was three years old, his Dad got out of the house and eventually started a new family. Rory kept contact, but lived 98% of the time with his mom and older sister.

Mom was annoying. She insisted on things her way, and never said she was sorry. Control was essential, and since she was left, Rory’s Mom insisted that she was a victim in life. Since Rory was no weakling, they battled incessantly. Dad was of little help.

In essence, Rory had to raise himself.

College was a blessing for Rory, who was happy to pay for much of it himself; anything to get out of the house. He emerged bright, independent, capable and suspicious of women. At 31 Rory’s on his was to partner in a prestigious accounting firm. Since college, he keeps his distance from women, preferring a long line of non committed flings. He’s not even sure he wants to get married one day.

The Field of Intimacy: If ever there was a crazy wonderful fling, then Tammy and Rory certainly had it; pure fireworks. Type A meets Type A for an intense love affair . Tammy loves - and respects – this self sufficient and capable older man. She finds herself wanting more and more of him. They can talk about anything, business, politics, and life. This is the brilliant, successful man of her dreams. When Tammy has sex with Rory, she feels both excited and invulnerable; it’s the time of her life.

For Rory, this young woman is the hottest girl he’s ever been with. And, it’s not just the looks. It’s the way she holds herself, her intelligence and class. She’s something else; professional, worldly and beautiful. He finds himself spending increasingly more time with her; and texting a lot.

It’s great for a few months; pure bliss. They are in The Field of Intimacy, where the world operates by different rules. Everyday is infused by the playfulness and magic of being in a love relationship. It’s what most people want.

The Field of Intimacy sucks them in. And after a few months of happiness, some old neurotic worries force their way to the surface. And, it’s not pretty.

 Tammy notices when Rory is not immediately available. A call missed; or an unanswered text message triggers rejection fears. She finds herself wondering who Rory sees and what he’s doing. Tammy feels crazy; indeed, she’s crazed. She begins to get clingy and demanding. It’s not her, but Tammy can’t help it.

On Rory’s side, he needs a little distance. He’s crazy about Tammy, but it feels suffocating. He’s out of touch with some good friends and now catches up, at the expense of time with Tammy. And, despite his best intentions, Rory just can’t answer all the calls and texts – he’ll do it later. He begins to get annoyed (like he did with his Mom). What’s wrong with Tammy? Where did all these demands come from?

From the Couch: This is Phase Two of a love affair. Phase One is falling in love and entering the Field of Intimacy. Phase Two is when unconscious issues force their way to the surface. It’s a test; this couple need not lose their fabulous love affair.

Once a couple enters the Field of Intimacy, psychological dances like this are the norm.

This love affair triggers Tammy’s inner child. Her father was more interested in other people – anyone out of the house – and now Tammy’s back where she was at nine years old. Her Dad ignored her – and she experiences Rory the same way. She’s clingy and can’t stop it. It’s as if her adult mind has been overrun by events that happened years ago. Rory is no longer her boyfriend, he’s now the unavailable narcissist – and Tammy is left out in the cold.

On the other hand, Rory’s been activated. He too is back in his family of origin; with his narcissistically demanding mother. He distances by calling on friends. Rory avoids Tammy’s texts and he rages at her when it’s too much. Note that Rory may look healthier than Tammy, but he too has issues. His compulsive need to escape triggers Tammy and her demand for contact triggers Rory.

They’re both trapped; and it doesn’t have to be this way.  

The Layers of Love: What you need to understand is that in intimacy, each person brings something different to the table; and the Field of Intimacy percolates it all to the surface. You may not like it, but a parental bond (or lack thereof) can affect intimacy. Like Tammy and Rory; it can happen to anyone.

Early love is great – enjoy it: This is a special time together. It’s all positive. But, take a moment to explore your past with each other. It may come in handy when Phase Two kicks in.

Learn from old relationships: Without doubt, you’ve learned a great deal about yourself from former relationships. Do you tend to run, or get clingy? Or, do you pick fights or compulsively withdraw? Perhaps, you just bore easily? My advice: take control of past triggers; and give your boyfriend or girlfriend a fighting chance. Therapy can help a lot.

Keep things in perspective: Once in The Field of Intimacy, you’re likely to be vulnerable to triggers. You may get really hurt or really angry. It goes with the territory. So, don’t get crazy over one bad day. Try again. Forgive. Let go. Often, it’s just some random regression; and it’s really not that important.

Intimacy needs many roles: Sometimes he’ll be needy. Sometimes you’ll be distancing, and sometimes you can’t get enough of each other. Relationships are fluid – accept and work with the love you’ve got. Good relationships carry many roles.

Who doesn’t want love?

Just know that like Tammy and Rory, the intensity of love brings you into the Field of Intimacy, with fantastic opportunities and real dangers. The opportunity is the wonder of love; the danger is the misery of a neurotic relationship.

Being this needy is not good for Tammy. Being this unforgiving is not good for Rory.  

Take Home Message: If you want to succeed, keep your relationship in perspective. Phase One will yield to Phase Two, and one or both of you will regress. It’s almost inevitable. Just don’t get stuck there. Worst case scenario: you find yourself in a neurotic bond and break up. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be?

Look to Phase Three, where you weather the storm only to feel closer to each other.

Here’s the thing, get curious about who you are; and who he is. Get to know what triggers each of you and why. Let your adult selves keep the angry or hurt inner child in place. Tammy tells him; oops…I’m getting demanding again. Sorry. Rory tells her, no worries, I’m no saint. It's okay.

They laugh it off as a stupid little moment.

It sounds simple. But, you know it isn’t.

Yet, wonderful, luscious love is worth fighting for.

7 Signs That You’re In A Competitive Relationship And How To Fix It

To some people, having competitive bouts in relationships can be seen as a trivial quirk that can be laughed about. And for the most part, that’s true. It’s funny whenever couples try to outdo one another with their wit as far as little games and intellectual sparring matches are concerned. Maybe a little competition to start getting fitter or to start learning new skills might even add some spice to the romance. A little competition in the relationship doesn’t have to be so destructive. But it gets to a point where competition in a relationship could potentially breed a very toxic and destructive environment.

At the end of the day, the best couples should always be acting like a team. They are the ones who understand that life has plenty of challenges that are in store for them. And they understand that they need to be devoting all of their competitive energy outward instead of a inward with their relationships. They can’t possibly allow themselves to be focusing their competitive energy on each other because that could spark potential bitterness between the two of them. When there is minimal competitiveness between two people in a relationship, then that creates an atmosphere of lightness and happiness.

Yes, adding some competitive fire into a relationship can be a great way to just mix things up. It can add a little zest to a relationship that could potentially be susceptible to predictability. But as with all other things in life, it’s always best to treat competitiveness in a relationship with moderation. Too much of it, and you risk losing one another in the process. You risk putting yourselves in a position where no one wins. And since there are just some people who are inherently competitive by nature, it can be difficult to spot the signs of an overly competitive relationship.
That’s why it’s integral that couples are able to maintain a sense of self-awareness with regards to how they conduct themselves especially when they’re together. You always have to be aware of your actions and how they are impacting your partner and your relationship. If you want to save your relationship from being one that could eventually be destroyed by a surplus of competitiveness, then you have to be wary of the red flags.

Here are 7 signs that you’re in a competitive relationship followed by the solution to fixing it.

 1. Your fights feel like sporting events that you need to win.
You are always fighting and you approach these fights like sporting events. It’s more important for you to win than it is to actually listen to each other.

 2. You never give each other the whole picture.
You don’t want to give your partner any edge that they might be able to use against you and so you regularly practice dishonesty with one another.  

3. You each find it difficult to be happy for the successes of the other. You genuinely don’t like it whenever your partner succeeds. You get jealous and you immediately feel insecure about the spotlight being taken away from you in the relationship.

 4. You rarely ever come to a compromise on anything. You don’t like to compromise. It would be more important for the both of you to stand your ground than to just meet halfway.  

5. You still try to make one another jealous.
Instead of just being happy for one another whenever the other succeeds, you try to find ways to make the other jealous. Whether it be through career goals or otherwise, you will try to outdo one another whenever you can.

6. You demean and belittle each other.
You are threatened by each other’s ego and so you grab at any opportunity to shoot the other one’s confidence levels down a notch.  

7. You are liberal in your use of ultimatums with each other.
You are constantly trying to force the other to bend. And you are so stubborn to the point that you would willingly throw ultimatums in the way of your partner to get them to agree with you. Ultimatums just kill the communication and connection in a relationship.  

The solution:
It’s all a matter of communication. At the end of the day, the only way that the two of you could ever get over your competitive nature with each other is if you just improve your communication habits. When you are constantly communicating with each other, and if you are genuinely listening to one another, then you really learn to empathize with your partner. You will be able to see things from your partner’s perspective a little more clearly. You will understand each other better. And once you start to discover that you’re both on the same team; that you’re both essentially trying to get through this life together, then you will stop feeling that compulsion to outdo one another. You will no longer start to feel that deep desire to compete with each other. It will no longer be a me vs you kind of situation. But instead, it turns into an us against the world kind of relationship; and those are always the best kinds.