Recovery and Relationships

Recovery from drug and alcohol addiction is a long and arduous path. It is not a fleeting few months spent in a treatment center, but a lifelong determination and commitment that must be followed by all who have struggled with substance dependency. Substance abuse recovery is not just a solo mission either. When a person is striving towards a life of freedom from chemical dependence, this is a journey that will involve their family members and close friends too, for better or for worse. This is why it becomes very complicated in a relationship when one person has managed to garner strength and sobriety while another partner recreationally drinks or does drugs. “Complicated” may be an understatement, as the risk involved is quite great when a person is trying to stay sober yet their partner isn’t.
As people strive to garner strength in their sobriety, they must take responsibility for all aspects of their life, and that includes the happiness and strength of those around them. Primarily, success in sobriety is not easily maintained if a recovering addict cannot improve the lives of their family members and loved ones. It is very difficult to stay sober if everyone else around an individual is struggling or experiencing hardship or, perhaps worse of all, experiencing any degree of substance abuse themselves. Tips for Helping a Partner Get Sober
Life as a recovering addict is not easy. Recovering addicts want to help others. They usually feel as though they have been helped greatly by others to get themselves clean in the first place, so they generally speaking want to return the flow and help others in any way they can. In its own way, this is a slippery slope. Recovering addicts must put their own recovery and health first and not compromise their own sanity and happiness in an effort to help others. With that in mind, consider the following advice for how to help a spouse or loved one without putting oneself at risk:

Get connected in a sobriety network. This is a wise first action. If you are not already connected to a recovery network, get connected in one. If you are already in one, get connected in more than one. This will serve a dual purpose. For starters, if you are dealing with a spouse or partner who is abusing substances, you will likely need more help in convincing them to stop. You can bring them to support groups and impress upon them the importance of total sobriety for the both of you. Furthermore, if you get extremely stressed out trying to help them, you can also get help from those groups to make sure that your own sobriety is not shaken.
Do not fall into co-dependency. Co-dependency is the keynote of spousal and relationship substance abuse. It is a behavioral crisis. When one or more members of a marriage or relationship are abusing substances, enablement is going to occur and a co-dependency one to the other will develop if you don’t put your foot down and establish boundaries right away. Co-dependency happens when each member of a relationship (this can expand outwards into families too) becomes dependent on the other. When a spouse or partner is abusing substances, as painful as it might be, you must distance yourself from them to a degree. You need to make sure that you keep your life and theirs somewhat separate, at least until they cease substance abuse. You can’t afford to fall into co-dependency. Co-dependency is the predecessor to accepted, negative behavior.
Tough love is the only love. When confronting a substance-abusing spouse or partner, tough love is the only love. You can’t afford to let your own sobriety be put at risk, and you can’t let your partner become a full-on substance abuser either. You need to draw a line and then tow that line, and you need to make it very clear what you expect of them and why. Many say that “Ultimatums are the death knell of a relationship," and that may be true, but this is one ultimatum that you can throw around. This is one ultimatum that you can use because your own sobriety depends on it. Make it clear that you expect total sobriety in your relationship and don’t take no or any bargaining chip for an answer.

A Relationship Takes Work
No relationship is easy. Anyone who says otherwise is likely not in a real partnership or is just trying to PR you. For people in recovery, a relationship, just like any other aspect of life, is going to take more work than perhaps what you are used to. Life takes more work for people in recovery because they must constantly create strength, stability, and resolution in their recovery.
The path to recovery is not an easy one to walk, but millions of Americans walk it every year with great success. Work at your own recovery with zeal and passion and do your best to help those close to you do the same if they need to. You will be better off if you do.