How to fix a boring relationship, according to Dr. Ruth

Dr. Ruth has interviewed thousands of people about their sex lives — and she's found the biggest threat to a relationship happens outside the bedroom  

• Dr. Ruth Westheimer is a psychosexual therapist. She's found boredom — inside and outside the bedroom — is the biggest threat to a romantic relationship. 
• Before you give up on a boring relationship, Westheimer says you should try making your own life more exciting.  
• Other experts recommend trying new things with your partner as a way to combat boredom.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer separated from her second husband when their daughter was one year old.

In her 2015 memoir, "The Doctor Is In: Dr. Ruth on Love, Life, and Joie de Vivre," she explains what happened: "What we'd had was a great love affair, but there wasn't enough of a connection to sustain a marriage that would last a lifetime. One of the missing ingredients was intellectual stimulation."

Westheimer — better known simply as Dr. Ruth — is arguably the world's most famous sex therapist. At 89 years old, she's heard from thousands of people about their most pressing sex and relationship issues. Over time, she's learned that the biggest danger to a romantic relationship is boredom — and not just in the bedroom.

In "The Doctor Is In," Westheimer writes:

"I often speak about sexual boredom, and it's certainly a topic that magazines like Cosmo address regularly, but in my opinion, sexual boredom is only a minor aspect to a couple's not having a satisfying sex life. Intellectual boredom with each other is a much bigger culprit."

Westheimer tweets frequently about the hazards of a boring relationship. From February 2012: "Boredom affects not just your sexual relationship but your entire relationship. Seek out ways to push boredom out of your life." Boredom isn't necessarily the death knell for a relationship

Interestingly, other experts say boredom may not be an inherently negative experience. Elizabeth Bernstein at The Wall Street Journal reported that boredom can be a sign that you need to make a change in your relationship.
One therapist told The Journal that it's important to identify when and where you feel bored. Then talk to your partner about the situation — but instead of using the word "bored" or placing blame, suggest a new joint activity.
Indeed, research suggests that couples who try new things together are more satisfied with their relationships.

Westheimer concludes "The Doctor Is In" by answering questions she received from the audience at a production of "Becoming Dr. Ruth," a play based on her life. In response to a question about the biggest danger to a relationship, Westheimer responds (you guessed it): boredom.

She writes:

"The first step to fighting boredom is to recognize it. One clue is that you're always tired even though there's no particular cause, like a baby who wakes you five times a night or financial worries that keep you from falling asleep. The reason that you are tired is that there's nothing about your life that makes you excited."

Perhaps surprisingly, Westheimer recommends spicing up your own life as a way to combat relationship boredom: Visit the theater, join a book club, take an online course. "By investing in yourself in all these ways, you'll find that the fog of boredom will lift and the bright light of joie de vivre will being to light your life."

She caveats that if none of this is helping, you should seek professional guidance. And if Westheimer's experience in her second marriage is any indication, sometimes you may have to end the relationship.
The takeaway here is that, if you're on the fence about whether to stay in a boring relationship, you should exhaust all reasonable possibilities before giving up.

Here's Westheimer in "The Doctor Is In" again: "Joie de vivre isn't just a phrase that you sprinkle on your life now and then. It's an attitude that should permeate your every waking hour. It takes a little effort but let me assure you, the rewards are well worth it.

3 Signs Of Bad Communication In A Relationship & How To Fix It

I have a fancy, expensive degree in communications from New York University, so communicating with an SO should be as natural as breathing for me, right? Try again. While I did learn how to effectively express myself through concise language and understand the nuances of the unspoken (i.e. body language), that can all get Mojito-level muddled once feelings are involved. I've experienced my fair share of miscommunications that can be held almost entirely accountable for relationship downfalls. But what are the signs of bad communication in a relationship, and how do you fix it?

"Whether you've been on one date, dating for one week, one month, or one year, there will always be new things to learn about each other and learn to navigate together," says Lori Salkin, SawYouatSinai.com Senior Matchmaker and Dating Coach. "Having open and honest communication is the only way to truly succeed in a relationship."
As humans, we are constantly communicating, whether verbally or nonverbally, intentionally or unintentionally. Communication is simply the process by which information is exchanged. So being conscious of what info you're sharing and how you interpret the info your parter is sharing is crucial to how we learn — together. Of course, there is room for error (like, a lot of err). Here are the three key ways in which bad communication manifests and how to stop it from happening.

1. An Unwillingness To Be Open-Minded

You might not like to admit it, but even the best of us are at least a little set in our ways (which is the nice way to say stubborn). A lot of people think that compromise is a huge factor in successful relationships, and it is... but you cannot arrive at true compromise without first approaching your partner with an open mind.
"In every relationship, especially in the beginning, you are strangers coming from different places and will always have different opinions," says Salkin. "No two people are perfectly alike and every relationship takes compromise and a willingness to be open-minded." She continues that maintaining an open mind and honest communication allows couples to "[validate] each other's differences of opinions, and offer ... [a] willingness to communicate and agree to disagree to build a healthy relationship."

Expert Tip: Salkin advises that couples should avoid planning too far into the future (i.e. the five-year plan). The unpredictability of life makes it impossible to account for where you will go (both physically and mentally), how you will grow, or even who your kids will be.

2. You're Not Fighting (And Making Up)

It might seem counterintuitive to say not fighting is a sign of relationship doom, but according to Salkin, "good communication includes fighting and making up." As intellectual beings, humans are prone to clash with one another. In other words, no one (or couple) is perfect; disagreements come along with the roller coaster that is life. The good news? "It is the way in which [a couple] handles the disagreements that can enable a couple to succeed or break up," says Salkin.

Expert Tip: Salkin stresses the importance of having "realistic expectations about how people change and the curveballs life throws you." If you can do that, you'll have smooth makeups. And my tip? It doesn't take an expert to state the obvious here. Makeups = makeup sex. Jussayin'.

3. Issues Arise During The Times You're Not Together

The other day the guy I'm currently seeing went out to surf and then texted me that he would be back later than he expected. Sweet baby Jesus, thank you for this man.

"Communication issues often arise in the time between being together," Salkin explains. "It is very hard to sit and wait and have no idea when you will hear from your significant other." When you don't keep someone you love in the loop about your life, it starts entering the territory of disrespecting another person's time, which is just not cool. Technology might be starting to hinder humanity (case in point: every episode of Black Mirror), but with Salkin's advice, you can use it to benefit your relationship.

Expert Tip: As Salkin says, "A little ... goes a long way." "Send frequent messages, even if they only say 'still here' or 'things are still hectic,'" she continues. "Updates go a very long way in softening the frustration." Showing some effort between dates by checking in over text and the phone majorly steps up your communication game. Plus, it'll likely make your partner feel pretty special.

Of course, communication issues outside of these three factors, like a total lack thereof, might lead to a bigger struggle. In that case, it might be time to seriously check in with your SO on why that's happening. It might sound obvious, but put down your phones and do some activities together. Salkin makes a great point that not every date has to be talk, talk, talk, but instead, share experiences, and it's likely you'll find you have a lot more to talk about.

She concludes, "If the other person is not receptive to sharing reality with you, then it is unlikely to be a sustainable relationship."

How to Fix a Clingy Relationship

Are you clingy? Or, is your spouse or partner too demanding?

The wierd thing is that you were fine before this relationship. But, now you find yourself demanding his attention. Or you find yourself paranoid about what she's up to. You don't get it, but it's ruining everything.

To understand what's happening, let's examine the power of intimacy.

The Power of Intimacy: The world of physics teaches us a lot about relationships; it’s called The Field of Intimacy. When inside the field, all the rules of behavior change. Imagine when a rock traveling in space enters Earth’s gravitational field. The rock changes course and becomes a meteor – hurtling to oblivion.

When The Field of Intimacy works in your favor, the pull of a relationship can be enchanting. And when it triggers neurotic symptoms, it can hurt like hell. Once in the field’s grasp, you may ask yourself: Why is he so controlling? Or, why is she so angry?

Or, today’ question: Why Am I So Needy?

The Scene: Tammy heard from her boyfriend, Rory about thirty minutes ago. That’s about twenty five minutes too long, as Tammy sees it. She begins to get nervous, no agitated. Should I text? Why isn’t Rory getting back to me?

Tammy texts him again, not so subtly: WHERE ARE YOU?

No response.

A few minutes later, Rory’s back: What’s the problem?

Tammy: Why are you NEVER available?

Rory: THAT’S NOT TRUE.

Tammy responds: You're so selfish.

Rory answers: I can’t deal with this right now.

GOODBYE.

 Not good. Here's the question. Why is Tammy so needy?

And, why is Rory fed up?

Tammy’s Story: After graduating college Tami, age 25, has enjoyed a nice career. She writes for a well known blog and is respected, even by senior staff. Pretty and quick, Tammy has dated easily. Rory is a guy she really likes, which makes her neediness all the more annoying. She just can’t help it.

Tammy grew up in the suburbs, with a mom and dad, plus three younger siblings – all boys. Growing up, her mom dedicated herself to a great life for her kids, with endless driving, sporting events and performances. Dad, on the other hand, wasn’t around much. He ran a great business, and got most of his gratification from LEAVING home. Unfortunately for Tammy, Dad was narcissistic and not all that interested in her, despite her success. As ridiculous as it may sound, Tammy still hopes that one day Dad will marvel in her success.

She may not be consciously aware of it, but Tammy’s drive to succeed is colored by her father’s lack of true interest. And, her love interests are affected as well.

She wants guys who acknowledge her achievements. But often chooses guys who couldn’t care less. Tammy is in a neediness trap.  

Rory’s Story: Life was tougher for Rory growing up. He had burdens, and in his case it was his mom who had the narcissistic tendencies, always needing to be right and in control. When Rory was three years old, his Dad got out of the house and eventually started a new family. Rory kept contact, but lived 98% of the time with his mom and older sister.

Mom was annoying. She insisted on things her way, and never said she was sorry. Control was essential, and since she was left, Rory’s Mom insisted that she was a victim in life. Since Rory was no weakling, they battled incessantly. Dad was of little help.

In essence, Rory had to raise himself.

College was a blessing for Rory, who was happy to pay for much of it himself; anything to get out of the house. He emerged bright, independent, capable and suspicious of women. At 31 Rory’s on his was to partner in a prestigious accounting firm. Since college, he keeps his distance from women, preferring a long line of non committed flings. He’s not even sure he wants to get married one day.

The Field of Intimacy: If ever there was a crazy wonderful fling, then Tammy and Rory certainly had it; pure fireworks. Type A meets Type A for an intense love affair . Tammy loves - and respects – this self sufficient and capable older man. She finds herself wanting more and more of him. They can talk about anything, business, politics, and life. This is the brilliant, successful man of her dreams. When Tammy has sex with Rory, she feels both excited and invulnerable; it’s the time of her life.

For Rory, this young woman is the hottest girl he’s ever been with. And, it’s not just the looks. It’s the way she holds herself, her intelligence and class. She’s something else; professional, worldly and beautiful. He finds himself spending increasingly more time with her; and texting a lot.

It’s great for a few months; pure bliss. They are in The Field of Intimacy, where the world operates by different rules. Everyday is infused by the playfulness and magic of being in a love relationship. It’s what most people want.

The Field of Intimacy sucks them in. And after a few months of happiness, some old neurotic worries force their way to the surface. And, it’s not pretty.

 Tammy notices when Rory is not immediately available. A call missed; or an unanswered text message triggers rejection fears. She finds herself wondering who Rory sees and what he’s doing. Tammy feels crazy; indeed, she’s crazed. She begins to get clingy and demanding. It’s not her, but Tammy can’t help it.

On Rory’s side, he needs a little distance. He’s crazy about Tammy, but it feels suffocating. He’s out of touch with some good friends and now catches up, at the expense of time with Tammy. And, despite his best intentions, Rory just can’t answer all the calls and texts – he’ll do it later. He begins to get annoyed (like he did with his Mom). What’s wrong with Tammy? Where did all these demands come from?

From the Couch: This is Phase Two of a love affair. Phase One is falling in love and entering the Field of Intimacy. Phase Two is when unconscious issues force their way to the surface. It’s a test; this couple need not lose their fabulous love affair.

Once a couple enters the Field of Intimacy, psychological dances like this are the norm.

This love affair triggers Tammy’s inner child. Her father was more interested in other people – anyone out of the house – and now Tammy’s back where she was at nine years old. Her Dad ignored her – and she experiences Rory the same way. She’s clingy and can’t stop it. It’s as if her adult mind has been overrun by events that happened years ago. Rory is no longer her boyfriend, he’s now the unavailable narcissist – and Tammy is left out in the cold.

On the other hand, Rory’s been activated. He too is back in his family of origin; with his narcissistically demanding mother. He distances by calling on friends. Rory avoids Tammy’s texts and he rages at her when it’s too much. Note that Rory may look healthier than Tammy, but he too has issues. His compulsive need to escape triggers Tammy and her demand for contact triggers Rory.

They’re both trapped; and it doesn’t have to be this way.  

The Layers of Love: What you need to understand is that in intimacy, each person brings something different to the table; and the Field of Intimacy percolates it all to the surface. You may not like it, but a parental bond (or lack thereof) can affect intimacy. Like Tammy and Rory; it can happen to anyone.

Early love is great – enjoy it: This is a special time together. It’s all positive. But, take a moment to explore your past with each other. It may come in handy when Phase Two kicks in.

Learn from old relationships: Without doubt, you’ve learned a great deal about yourself from former relationships. Do you tend to run, or get clingy? Or, do you pick fights or compulsively withdraw? Perhaps, you just bore easily? My advice: take control of past triggers; and give your boyfriend or girlfriend a fighting chance. Therapy can help a lot.

Keep things in perspective: Once in The Field of Intimacy, you’re likely to be vulnerable to triggers. You may get really hurt or really angry. It goes with the territory. So, don’t get crazy over one bad day. Try again. Forgive. Let go. Often, it’s just some random regression; and it’s really not that important.

Intimacy needs many roles: Sometimes he’ll be needy. Sometimes you’ll be distancing, and sometimes you can’t get enough of each other. Relationships are fluid – accept and work with the love you’ve got. Good relationships carry many roles.

Who doesn’t want love?

Just know that like Tammy and Rory, the intensity of love brings you into the Field of Intimacy, with fantastic opportunities and real dangers. The opportunity is the wonder of love; the danger is the misery of a neurotic relationship.

Being this needy is not good for Tammy. Being this unforgiving is not good for Rory.  

Take Home Message: If you want to succeed, keep your relationship in perspective. Phase One will yield to Phase Two, and one or both of you will regress. It’s almost inevitable. Just don’t get stuck there. Worst case scenario: you find yourself in a neurotic bond and break up. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be?

Look to Phase Three, where you weather the storm only to feel closer to each other.

Here’s the thing, get curious about who you are; and who he is. Get to know what triggers each of you and why. Let your adult selves keep the angry or hurt inner child in place. Tammy tells him; oops…I’m getting demanding again. Sorry. Rory tells her, no worries, I’m no saint. It's okay.

They laugh it off as a stupid little moment.

It sounds simple. But, you know it isn’t.

Yet, wonderful, luscious love is worth fighting for.

How To Fix A Codependent Relationship, According To An Expert

It's easy to think that being in a codependent relationship means you that you spend too much time together or start to dress the same, but that's not really what codependency is about.

"Codependency has become a buzzword, and people sometimes misunderstand what it means to be codependent. It is important to remember that in a healthy relationship, it is absolutely OK to depend on your partner," Holly Daniels, PhD, LMFT, clinical systems director at Sober College, tells Bustle. "... In some relationships, however, one or both partners value the relationship much more than they value their own health and well-being. This is called codependence."

So it's more about putting the relationship above yourself — the need to protect the relationship at all costs, and getting anxious at the idea of it ending. Now, if that sounds like you, don't feel bad about it — it's actually something experts say is often related to our childhoods.

"Codependence isn’t something you just fall into — it is a dynamic that stems from insecure attachment — a pattern of relating that is formed early in our lives," Daniels says. If you had an unhealthy relationship with one or both parents, it may be the cause of your codependence now. So don't feel badly about it, just work to get past it. Here's what you need to keep in mind if you think you're in a codependent relationship.  

The Most Important Thing To Do Is Talk To Your Partner About It

If you realize that your relationship is codependent, it's important to be honest about it. "Both partners in a codependent relationship are most likely struggling with insecure attachment issues that will keep them from forming and sustaining healthy, happy long-term relationships," Daniels says. "So, if you find yourself in a codependent relationship, the most important thing to do is talk to your partner about it! Set aside a time to talk away from distractions, and open up a dialogue about your concerns. If your partner gets super defensive or avoids having the conversation at all, this is a sign that you are indeed in a codependent relationship. Having an honest, open conversation about the state of your relationship may feel threatening for both of you, but the potential for growth and healing is tremendous if the two of you can sit with the discomfort and have a heart-to-heart talk. The goal is to come up with strategies for each of you to practice feeling secure in the relationship, while also strengthening your independence outside of the relationship."

Consider Professional Help

Don't be afraid to seek professional help either. Chances are, you're going to be opening up what might be some very deep wounds and looking at engrained habits, so you might need a third party to help. "Often, the discomfort for one or both partners is so intense that this kind of conversation needs to be had with a non-partial couple’s counselor or therapist," Daniels says. "Having a third-party who is trained to reduce the tension and help you both communicate openly and honestly can be very helpful." It can help make the conversation more measured and also give you some objective advice from someone not invested in the relationship. Codependency can make it difficult to see the forest for the trees.  

Move On If You Have To

That being said, some people just won't be willing to confront or move on from their codependency — it's just too much of a safety net for them. If that's the case, you need to put yourself first. "Sometimes you’ll find yourself with a partner that refuses to have an open conversation in any setting," Daniels says. "In that case, you might have to cut your losses and move on. I strongly encourage you, however, to talk with a therapist on your own to help yourself work through the issues that made you prone to engaging in a co-dependent relationship in the first place. Humans are destined to repeat their relationship patterns until they can work through and heal their underlying attachment issues." Dealing with a codependent relationship isn't easy — but knowing that you're in one is the first step. If you're willing to look at your own issues around attachment and work on your relationship, it can put you on track for a much healthier future — whether it's with your current partner or someone new.

7 Signs That You’re In A Competitive Relationship And How To Fix It

To some people, having competitive bouts in relationships can be seen as a trivial quirk that can be laughed about. And for the most part, that’s true. It’s funny whenever couples try to outdo one another with their wit as far as little games and intellectual sparring matches are concerned. Maybe a little competition to start getting fitter or to start learning new skills might even add some spice to the romance. A little competition in the relationship doesn’t have to be so destructive. But it gets to a point where competition in a relationship could potentially breed a very toxic and destructive environment.

At the end of the day, the best couples should always be acting like a team. They are the ones who understand that life has plenty of challenges that are in store for them. And they understand that they need to be devoting all of their competitive energy outward instead of a inward with their relationships. They can’t possibly allow themselves to be focusing their competitive energy on each other because that could spark potential bitterness between the two of them. When there is minimal competitiveness between two people in a relationship, then that creates an atmosphere of lightness and happiness.

Yes, adding some competitive fire into a relationship can be a great way to just mix things up. It can add a little zest to a relationship that could potentially be susceptible to predictability. But as with all other things in life, it’s always best to treat competitiveness in a relationship with moderation. Too much of it, and you risk losing one another in the process. You risk putting yourselves in a position where no one wins. And since there are just some people who are inherently competitive by nature, it can be difficult to spot the signs of an overly competitive relationship.
That’s why it’s integral that couples are able to maintain a sense of self-awareness with regards to how they conduct themselves especially when they’re together. You always have to be aware of your actions and how they are impacting your partner and your relationship. If you want to save your relationship from being one that could eventually be destroyed by a surplus of competitiveness, then you have to be wary of the red flags.

Here are 7 signs that you’re in a competitive relationship followed by the solution to fixing it.

 1. Your fights feel like sporting events that you need to win.
You are always fighting and you approach these fights like sporting events. It’s more important for you to win than it is to actually listen to each other.

 2. You never give each other the whole picture.
You don’t want to give your partner any edge that they might be able to use against you and so you regularly practice dishonesty with one another.  

3. You each find it difficult to be happy for the successes of the other. You genuinely don’t like it whenever your partner succeeds. You get jealous and you immediately feel insecure about the spotlight being taken away from you in the relationship.

 4. You rarely ever come to a compromise on anything. You don’t like to compromise. It would be more important for the both of you to stand your ground than to just meet halfway.  

5. You still try to make one another jealous.
Instead of just being happy for one another whenever the other succeeds, you try to find ways to make the other jealous. Whether it be through career goals or otherwise, you will try to outdo one another whenever you can.

6. You demean and belittle each other.
You are threatened by each other’s ego and so you grab at any opportunity to shoot the other one’s confidence levels down a notch.  

7. You are liberal in your use of ultimatums with each other.
You are constantly trying to force the other to bend. And you are so stubborn to the point that you would willingly throw ultimatums in the way of your partner to get them to agree with you. Ultimatums just kill the communication and connection in a relationship.  

The solution:
It’s all a matter of communication. At the end of the day, the only way that the two of you could ever get over your competitive nature with each other is if you just improve your communication habits. When you are constantly communicating with each other, and if you are genuinely listening to one another, then you really learn to empathize with your partner. You will be able to see things from your partner’s perspective a little more clearly. You will understand each other better. And once you start to discover that you’re both on the same team; that you’re both essentially trying to get through this life together, then you will stop feeling that compulsion to outdo one another. You will no longer start to feel that deep desire to compete with each other. It will no longer be a me vs you kind of situation. But instead, it turns into an us against the world kind of relationship; and those are always the best kinds.

7 Questions That Can Strengthen Your Relationship

Don't know what your partner wants from you? Maybe it's time you found out.
One of the biggest mistakes we can make in a relationship is not asking enough of the right questions. By asking the right questions, you can discover what your partner needs and wants from you and your time together.

Here are a few to try:

 “What can I help you with right now?”
If you find yourself with some time on your hands, why not offer those minutes to your mate as a loving gesture. Most of us have too much on our plates, and an extra pair of hands can make a big difference in getting things done. Plus, doing things together can be bonding.  

“How can I show you I love you?”
Most couples are good at saying those three little words, but actions speak even louder. Perhaps your loved one will want a kiss or some help in the garden. Whatever his or her request, your offer to display your love will make your partner feel cherished.  

“Is there one ‘little’ thing about me that you would like me to change?”
Yes, this can spark a serious (and tricky) conversation, but by emphasizing the word little, you can lighten it up significantly. Sometimes we unconsciously do things that make our partner uncomfortable, but it’s not quite annoying enough for them to tell us. By asking this question, you can stop a little annoyance from becoming a big issue.  

“Is there someplace special that you would like to go?”
You may not be in a position to fly to Paris, but it’s nice to give the one you love the gift of picking somewhere, even relatively nearby, that he or she would like to go with you. You can also make plans for a grander vacation if the mood (and budget) strikes you. It’s a great way to have something to look forward to, which fosters happiness.  

“What is it about our life together that makes you happy?”
This question will cause your lover to think about all the things he or she enjoys about your relationship. Just talking about the joys will make the two of you feel closer and add more depth to your connection.  

“Is there anything I can do to make you feel more loved?”
This tender question may render your partner speechless, at least for a moment. But even if you have a great relationship, your mate can surely think of something that can make your love even stronger.  

“What’s something you’d like to do together that we have never done before?”
This can open up some ideas to excite both of you. You can play around with different ideas until you come up with a couple that really captivate you. Remember, doing new things with your partner will make you feel closer.
When we get caught up in daily activities, even couples with excellent communication skills can forget to ask a partner what he or she needs or wants. If you can get better at asking the right questions, your relationship will be better for it.

The Therapy Relationship in Psychodynamic Therapy versus CBT

Our earliest attachments form the templates for our subsequent relationships. As a result, we repeat patterns in our relationships throughout our lives. Because they are present from the beginning, these patterns may be as invisible to us as water to a fish. Yet they shape our destinies.
Therapy is a relationship, and patients bring their templates and patterns into it. As therapists, we enter the gravitational field of patients’ problematic relationship patterns, experiencing and participating in them. Through recognizing our own unavoidable participation in these patterns, we can help our patients understand and rework them.
This is therapy that changes lives. This is the heart of psychodynamic therapy.
Caroline, a woman in her late thirties, is elegant, educated, successful. She carries herself with a regal bearing and looks and dresses like a Vogue model. She is pursued by the kind of men most women only fantasize about. Yet she is lonely. She has been unable to keep an intimate relationship and she suffers from bouts of depression.
Caroline has attempted therapy several times. She says, unhappily, that it has never really changed anything, and the therapists always end up wanting her approval.

Colleagues trained in CBT and other “evidence-based” therapies rarely attach much significance to Caroline’s comment about her past therapy relationships. Some venture that Caroline may need a “secure” therapist who won’t be intimidated by her looks or status.
From a psychodynamic perspective, it is irrelevant whether Caroline’s therapist is personally secure or insecure. She doesn’t need a secure therapist. She needs a therapist with the self-awareness and courage to notice that twinge of insecurity in Caroline’s presence, treat it as information, and use it in the service of understanding.
Such a therapist might say: “You know, you have come here for my help and yet in many of our interactions, I am aware of a vague feeling of wanting to impress you or gain your approval, which of course doesn’t help you at all. I’m trying to figure out what it means, and whether it could be a window into understanding something about what happens in your relationships more generally. Perhaps this is something that feels familiar to you.”
And there, real therapy may begin.
Caroline could not have described what went wrong in her relationships: The things she did to try to draw people closer were the very things that precluded real connection and intimacy. Women were envious or deferential. Men viewed her as a conquest, or out of their league. Either way, intimate connection was impossible.
Caroline couldn’t tell her therapist this; she showed him. What the patient does in the room with the therapist reveals lifelong relationship patterns. And in the therapy relationship, these patterns can be recognized, understood, and reworked.

This is central to psychodynamic therapy and notably absent from other therapies.
A prominent CBT author and thought leader wrote an article about myths and realities of CBT. One myth, according to the author, is that CBT downplays the therapy relationship. To show this is not so, the author explained that CBT therapists “do many things to build a strong alliance. For example, they work collaboratively with clients… ask for feedback… and conduct themselves as genuine, warm, empathic, interested, caring human beings.”
I expect that much from my hair stylist or real estate broker. From a psychotherapist, I expect something more. The CBT thought leader seemed to have no concept that the therapy relationship is a window into the patient’s inner world, or a relationship laboratory and sanctuary where lifelong patterns can be recognized and understood, and new ones created.
Some people may be satisfied with therapists who “work collaboratively” while conducting therapy according to an instruction manual (read my blog about "manualized" therapy here). Those who want to change their destiny will want a therapist with the self-awareness, knowledge, and courage to see and speak about what matters.

They had the happiest relationship until recently when she randomly asked to go to therapy

I have a friend; his name is Steven.
He has a wife, her name is, Monica. According to Steven, they had the happiest relationship until recently where Monica randomly asked to go to therapy.
He asked me, ‘What do women want, what do women want? Because I don’t get it’ Things were not working out and I could see that Steven was hurt because he loved Monica so much, she does everything for him, caters to his every need and he appreciates it, but he fears she doesn’t know it.

He said, ‘She just kept telling me she needs me, but won’t tell me how or when, she just says ‘I know you work hard so I can’t ask you for anything’, but things are bad and she’s silent all the time’
So I told him, She feels she can’t tell you how or when because she knows you’re a hard working guy and she appreciates that and doesn’t want to come across as nagging, but she’s working real hard to do it all right now, and she needs you, YOU, more than ever.
When she’s silent, that’s when she needs you. She doesn’t think it’s worth the effort to explain herself because she doesn’t feel her voice matters. Show her it does.
When she’s silent she’s deep in thought, she’s afraid, she’s angry, she’s confused, and her mind runs a million miles an hour, she needs you to help unpack that.
When she opens up, that’s when she needs you. She needs you to respect her voice, hear about her day, and don’t try to fix it, just hear what she’s saying. And for you to open up, talk to her, communicate, tell her about your day.
When you see her lose her temper that’s when she needs you. She needs you to step in and take over for a while. Do the bath, slap dinner together, entertain the kids. Anything. Let her come back better and ready to kickass again. You are being angry because she is angry won’t help. It’s when she needs you the most.
When you see her go somewhere in the house by herself and the kids follow her, that’s when she needs you. She needs that time to herself, she probably hasn’t had a second all day. You’re an amazing dad who masters tickle time like no other, so have some quality time with your kids.

When she dresses up, that’s when she needs you. She needs you to see her, and really see her. See her the way you did when you met her. She wants you to desire her the way she desires you. She needs you to know she matters to you… even if she hasn’t dressed up.
She’s may not go to work, but she works hard. Parenting is no picnic and you’re in this together, so be her copilot, and drive the ship together. She can’t do it without you.
She’s so burnt out caring for everything and everyone else, she needs to know you care for her and she’s forgotten how to ask. So, she’s trying to glue you back together any way she knows how. if she asked for therapy, go to therapy. It’s what is important to her and will be therapeutic for both of you. She needs that, and she needs you. If she didn’t need you, she wouldn’t suggest therapy, she’d get up and leave.
And tell her, tell her a thousand times you love her, that you appreciate her, and that you care, because she needs you, and she only needs you because for her, you are all she could ever need.

Selena Gomez & Justin Bieber Should Do Couples Therapy If They Want To Last — Expert Speaks

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez may be giving their romance another try, but if they want their relationship to last forever, they should seek couples therapy. Here’s why!
We’re all rooting for Justin Bieber, 23, and Selena Gomez, 25, to make their newly rekindled romance go the distance, but the foundation of any solid relationship is communication. When asked how these two can increase their chances of making it work this time around, relationship expert Dr. Jenn Mann, who wrote the book Jenn’s 6-Step Guide to Improving Communication, Connection & Intimacy, EXCLUSIVELY told HollywoodLife.com the pair should take part in couples therapy, and we think it’s a great idea. “Therapy! Doing some individual and couples therapy in order to develop the tools and skills that are needed to have a healthy relationship are important for most couples, especially these two,” suggested Dr. Jenn. “I am a big fan of couples doing therapy work early on in the relationship so that they start out a relationship, or restart a relationship, with new skills.”

In addition to seeking out therapy, Dr. Jenn wisely advocates the two schedule some one-on-one time during their busy calendars. “Connection is the foundation for any relationship,” Dr. Jenn added. “They need to make the time for each other and make sure they are talking face to face and connecting. I know that Selena is not partying because of her health issues, Justin needs to minimize any partying. Also, keep the relationship as private as possible.”

We reported earlier how Selena recently unfollowed The Weeknd, 27, on Instagram, which might have been the perfect move — unfollowing your ex is a good way to keep them out of sight and mind. After Selena was spotted kissing Justin, fans everywhere — including us — rejoiced. Now, we hope these two can make their relationship better than ever with some couples therapy!

How I Saved My Marriage when He’s the One who Needed to Change

Dien Luu, Laura Doyle Certified Coach
It was actually my husband who first read The Surrendered Wife.
He said he thought it would help our relationship if I considered some of the ideas. I looked at the title, and I was so angry.
How dare he blame this on me!
I really thought that I was doing everything right. If only he would change, our life would be happier.
After moving to England, I often told him, “I gave up my life in Canada to be here with you. At least you could make an effort!” I was honest and blunt about my feelings, to the point of rudeness. But the more I told him how to be a good husband, the more distant he became.
I’m not sure how I got to be so unhappy, angry, and lonely in my marriage.
Was it postnatal depression since the birth of our son three months earlier? Was it because my husband was out of the house three nights a week for badminton, live music and football? Was it because I had not made new friends in this small town?
I wanted to be happy, but I just didn’t know how. To make matters worse, I blamed my husband for my unhappiness.

What happened to the guy I had fallen in love with?
Was this the same man who used to drive three hours from Wales to England each way every weekend for a whole year to see me? The one who flew to Canada after we broke up to work things out? The one who had said he was crazy about me?
At times he would jokingly say, “Please stop disrespecting me.”
I didn’t think I was disrespecting him. I thought he was being too sensitive.
He accused me of having a ghetto attitude and always being ready for a fight. In defense, I called him a country boy with no street sense.
I remember the day I decided to surrender.
I was going to let him have it. I called him at work and ran off a list of complaints. When I was finished my rant, I heard him crying.
He said he’d had to leave the office because I was yelling into the phone so loud that he was worried his colleagues could hear. He was sitting on the ground between two cars in the parking lot, sobbing and waiting for me to stop yelling.

He said, “I’m a grown man and I’m in a car park crying. Things shouldn’t be like this. I can’t take this anymore.”
He was right.
Things shouldn’t be like this. I decided that something needed to change.
I packed my copy of The Surrendered Wife and took the baby to a friend’s house for a week. When my husband had recommended the book, I dismissed it as soon as I got to the part about relinquishing control of the finances.
This time, I read the entire book in a week–twice.
I was so desperate for things to change in my marriage. I decided to try everything that was in the book.
I returned to my husband a grateful wife. I thanked him for making me coffee, taking care of our son, playing music with me, washing up after dinner, and going to work so I could stay home with our newborn.
I stopped complaining to him. I stopped telling him what to do. If he asked for my opinion on something that was his to decide, I would smile and say, “Whatever you think. I trust you.”
I started to respect him for who he was and made it a priority to show that I really respected his decisions by supporting instead of criticizing him.
I decided to get rid of the ghetto attitude by talking nicely to my husband instead of swearing and rolling my eyes at him.
I started to schedule three self-care activities a day, focusing on what I could do to make myself happy. I called my friends more often for girl talk. I started to play my violin again. I made time every day for a nap, a walk in the park, and writing a gratitude list in my journal.
I saw results immediately.
We argued less. We started laughing together again. He was home more often.
When I surrendered, he responded well. When I fell back into my old ways of nagging, complaining, blaming and yelling, he retreated emotionally.
It became clear to me that surrendering brings peace and happiness. Non-surrendering brings me back to feeling lonely and sad in my marriage.
I could see that things were improving between us, but I still yearned for them to be better. I googled “Laura Doyle” and read her blogs. I purchased her other books and read them daily for inspiration.
My girlfriends were calling me to vent about their husbands or partners, and I would talk to them about surrendering. All of this was going on without my husband’s knowledge.
Surrendering did not come naturally to me. I felt I was speaking a whole new language.
So one day, I decided that I wanted to enroll in Laura’s Relationship Coach Training program.
It was time to confess to my husband that I had reread the book that he’d recommended years ago.
I was worried that he would think I was somehow being fake in my marriage by following a handful of Skills. He was surprised to learn that I had reread the book. He also said, “I did notice that things had changed. I thought it was strange that you kept saying ‘Whatever you think.’”
The decision to surrender saved my marriage.
The Six Intimacy Skills™ have brought peace and intimacy back in my relationship. I definitely want more of it. I continue to practice the Intimacy Skills every day in my marriage, and I am so grateful for every opportunity to apply them.
I don’t feel like a fake at all. In fact, I feel more myself when I am feminine. I definitely feel more cherished, loved and adored by my husband.
I am so much happier with who I have become.

Recovery and Relationships

Recovery from drug and alcohol addiction is a long and arduous path. It is not a fleeting few months spent in a treatment center, but a lifelong determination and commitment that must be followed by all who have struggled with substance dependency. Substance abuse recovery is not just a solo mission either. When a person is striving towards a life of freedom from chemical dependence, this is a journey that will involve their family members and close friends too, for better or for worse. This is why it becomes very complicated in a relationship when one person has managed to garner strength and sobriety while another partner recreationally drinks or does drugs. “Complicated” may be an understatement, as the risk involved is quite great when a person is trying to stay sober yet their partner isn’t.
As people strive to garner strength in their sobriety, they must take responsibility for all aspects of their life, and that includes the happiness and strength of those around them. Primarily, success in sobriety is not easily maintained if a recovering addict cannot improve the lives of their family members and loved ones. It is very difficult to stay sober if everyone else around an individual is struggling or experiencing hardship or, perhaps worse of all, experiencing any degree of substance abuse themselves. Tips for Helping a Partner Get Sober
Life as a recovering addict is not easy. Recovering addicts want to help others. They usually feel as though they have been helped greatly by others to get themselves clean in the first place, so they generally speaking want to return the flow and help others in any way they can. In its own way, this is a slippery slope. Recovering addicts must put their own recovery and health first and not compromise their own sanity and happiness in an effort to help others. With that in mind, consider the following advice for how to help a spouse or loved one without putting oneself at risk:

Get connected in a sobriety network. This is a wise first action. If you are not already connected to a recovery network, get connected in one. If you are already in one, get connected in more than one. This will serve a dual purpose. For starters, if you are dealing with a spouse or partner who is abusing substances, you will likely need more help in convincing them to stop. You can bring them to support groups and impress upon them the importance of total sobriety for the both of you. Furthermore, if you get extremely stressed out trying to help them, you can also get help from those groups to make sure that your own sobriety is not shaken.
Do not fall into co-dependency. Co-dependency is the keynote of spousal and relationship substance abuse. It is a behavioral crisis. When one or more members of a marriage or relationship are abusing substances, enablement is going to occur and a co-dependency one to the other will develop if you don’t put your foot down and establish boundaries right away. Co-dependency happens when each member of a relationship (this can expand outwards into families too) becomes dependent on the other. When a spouse or partner is abusing substances, as painful as it might be, you must distance yourself from them to a degree. You need to make sure that you keep your life and theirs somewhat separate, at least until they cease substance abuse. You can’t afford to fall into co-dependency. Co-dependency is the predecessor to accepted, negative behavior.
Tough love is the only love. When confronting a substance-abusing spouse or partner, tough love is the only love. You can’t afford to let your own sobriety be put at risk, and you can’t let your partner become a full-on substance abuser either. You need to draw a line and then tow that line, and you need to make it very clear what you expect of them and why. Many say that “Ultimatums are the death knell of a relationship," and that may be true, but this is one ultimatum that you can throw around. This is one ultimatum that you can use because your own sobriety depends on it. Make it clear that you expect total sobriety in your relationship and don’t take no or any bargaining chip for an answer.

A Relationship Takes Work
No relationship is easy. Anyone who says otherwise is likely not in a real partnership or is just trying to PR you. For people in recovery, a relationship, just like any other aspect of life, is going to take more work than perhaps what you are used to. Life takes more work for people in recovery because they must constantly create strength, stability, and resolution in their recovery.
The path to recovery is not an easy one to walk, but millions of Americans walk it every year with great success. Work at your own recovery with zeal and passion and do your best to help those close to you do the same if they need to. You will be better off if you do.

Statements That May be Helpful for “Normal” Couples, But are Destructive in Abusive/Narcissistic Relationships

Abusers love it when you give them the benefit of the doubt. In fact, they bank on it. The more you overlook their mean behaviors, the better positioned they are to manipulate you and exploit your good nature in the future.

It takes two to tango

This message suggests that the reason you’re having problems is because both of you are equally responsible. Loved ones and bystanders buy in to this belief as well, suggesting that the two of you are just a ‘bad fit’ bringing the worst out of each other. The truth is narcissists bring out the worst in anyone they get emotionally entangled with.

Quit bringing up the past; move on

In a narcissist’s world, the past was five minutes ago when he/she called you an idiot. When in an abusive relationship, it is important to identify patterns, rather than isolated events. Everyone has problems, “melt downs,” and irrational behaviors which may be injurious to those closest to them; but in abusive relationships, the infractions are patterns, not anomalies, as in the case of healthy relationships.

Forgive and forget

As mentioned above, abusers exploit conscientious people’s good qualities, such as the ability to forgive.  I’m not saying don’t forgive, but as you do the forgiving don’t expect the other party to be (a) repentant; (b) remorseful; (c) willing to change.  Rather, expect the opposite: (1) continual hurtful behavior; (2) lack of insight; (3) no empathy for the harm caused.
Don’t feel bad for having a memory and not forgetting the bad things that happened. In fact, remembering is probably a healthy trait for someone in an abusive relationship, because so often, victims of abuse experience “abuse amnesia.”

Pay attention to the words he/she is saying; don’t read in to it

Abusers love it when you just listen to their words, ignoring their implications and non-verbal messages, because this causes you to doubt your intuition and ultimately yourself. This way, abusers can gaslight you all day long while you take everything at face value, ignoring their covert agenda.

Wives, submit to your husbands

If your husband is the abuser and you are of the Judeo-Christian faith, then you have probably heard that the Bible instructs you to submit to your husband. In an abusive situation the husband will use that statement to the best of his abusive nature’s advantage. Your husband will adhere only to this one piece of scripture, ignoring all others (such as, “submit one to another,” and “treat your wife in an understanding way,” and so on.

Learn to communicate better; or, “You can catch more flies with honey”

In other words, many counselors believe the problem in the relationship is a communication problem. While this may be true, the solution does not reside in the couple, but rather in the perpetrator. This advice implies that the partner of an abuser must learn to communicate in a manner that prevents him or herself from being abused, because, after all, the abuser was only reacting to your poor initial statements.
You may think, “I was a little rough,” or, “Maybe I should have waited until later to bring this up.” Believing this falsehood causes victims to continue to feel responsible for the healthiness of the relationship, completely removing responsibility from the abuser.
Remember this one truth: Each one of us is responsible for our own behavior.  We ALL have choices.

“Maybe he/she needs ‘anger management’ classes”
This is a myth. Abusers don’t need to take anger management classes. Abuse may look like an anger management problem, but it is far more sinister than just an inability to manage one’s anger. Abusers have no desire to change. In fact, when abusers go to therapy or anger management classes, they simply learn more covert ways of displaying their hurtful behaviors, while their partners naively believe that all they really need to do is learn to manage their anger.
If you are the victim of an abuser, do you honestly think that the person can’t control him/herself? Think about it – abusers are very good at “managing.” The prerequisite for anger management or counseling to work is that the individuals seeking treatment want to change.  Abusers don’t want to change, they enjoy hurting others. It makes them feel superior and powerful.
Understanding that everyone does that which brings them a certain payoff, and for abusers, making others feel badly brings them a morbid sense of satisfaction.
If you can convince an abuser to go to anger management classes and the problems still exist, the abuser will most likely use this to his/her advantage making comments such as, “I took anger management classes and you’re still not happy!  Nothing is ever enough for you!”

You need to learn conflict resolution

What people fail to realize in abusive relationships is that the abuser/narcissist caused the conflict in the first place and has no desire to resolve anything.  Yes, conflict resolution is a valuable skill to acquire, but in relationships with abusers, there will be no resolve, and it’s not your fault. Remember this reality.
There’s a concept known as “rupture and repair,” which describes how intimate relationships are borne from a multiplicity of experiences, including the experiences of “rupture and repair.” This occurs when the relationship is put to the test via some conflict. In healthy relationships it’s not the fact that a rupture has occurred, but rather that it is resolved.

Let it go

It is always good advice to not hang on to things forever, beating a dead horse; but, in an abusive relationship, if you just let it go every time something bad happens you train the abuser that he or she will never be held accountable for poor behavior.  The relationship will continue forever in this pattern. This is really not a healthy way to live.
Instead of just letting things go, learn to demand accountability and set firm boundaries for what you will or will not accept.

Everyone Has Problems

This statement, said in an abusive relationship, encourages the victim to put up with abuse.

Why is Couples Counseling Counter-Productive in Abusive Relationships?

Many people who find themselves married to an abuser tend to believe that marriage counseling is the solution.
A lot of these people believe that they have a relationship problem, such as communication or conflict resolution issues. Everyone, including the counselor, fails to see that the problem with the relationship resides within the abuser.
The solution to the problem is the abuser’s to fix, and the partner’s job is to stop being responsible for the well-being of the relationship.
People who abuse others do not ever have healthy relationships. Usually, this is because abusive people lack empathy and have an inability to validate others’ feelings.
Suppose you are married to an abusive person and you suggest seeking couple’s therapy. You go to your first session and explain to the counselor that you “fight a lot,” or, “argue too much,” or some such scenario. The counselor listens to both parties as each explains his/her side of the problem. Many detrimental effects can result:

The therapist tends to assume that both parties are being honest. Abusers lie and manipulate therapists, counselors, pastors, etc. Think “Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde.” During sessions the abuser will act contrite, willing, open, and transparent. This is all about “impression management,” There is no real intent to change.
Many counselors believe that the problem is relationship-caused, or involves a “systems” therapy approach. This means that the therapist believes that each part of the dyad is responsible for creating the relationship “dynamic.” With this as the presupposition, the counselor proceeds with treatment.
If the victim of abuse were to tell the truth to the counselor in front of his/her partner, then on the way home from the session, the abusive partner may commence with “pay back.” This could be in the form of the silent treatment, sulking, seething rage, or even verbal or physical violence. This teaches the victim to keep his/her mouth shut during the next session, and continue to keep on the “mask” he/she wears everywhere else.
Abusers use their partners as their frames of reference for their behaviors. An abuser will continue to reinforce this concept when undergoing couple’s counseling. This will not benefit either party.
The type of therapy needed for characterological issues, such as abusive behavior, is vastly different than the therapy needed for neurotic pathologies, such as anxiety and depression. A therapist cannot utilize the two approaches needed for therapy in a couple’s session.
The individuals need separate therapy in order for each party to focus on him/herself rather than on the relationship. When treating a couple, the counselor will miss the complete dichotomy of the problems involved. The abuser needs to learn how to stop abusing and the partner needs to learn how to stop being abused.
Couples counseling is not a treatment for abuse any more than it is a treatment for an addiction. Suppose an addict went to couples therapy to stay sober from his or her drug of choice. Would that work? No. The addict needs to recover from his/her addiction first; individual issues, second; and relationship difficulties, last. Doing couples counseling apart from personal growth is pointless. In fact, once a person has dealt with his or her individual problems, there most likely will not be a need for couple’s therapy at all.

Therapists really are not supposed to pick sides or act as a judge. When abuse is involved in a relationship the counselor cannot sit, in good faith, and pretend to find this acceptable; nor can he/she provide empathy to the abuser. The abuser needs to be held accountable. The victim needs to experience empathy. How can a counselor assign empathy only to one person in the room?
Even by being willing to see a couple together in an abusive relationship, the abuser is given the unspoken message that the problem is not that serious and that it is, indeed, a relationship problem involving joint responsibility.
Many counselors tend to put all problems in the same category of urgency. For instance, one partner has a problem with criticizing her partner, while the other partner has a problem with disorganization. The counselor may falsely place both problems in the same level of damage to the relationship. And when dealing with manipulators, they will definitely capitalize on this process.
This is damaging; being unorganized is not a characterological problem, nor is it abusive to either party. It may be annoying to live with someone who is scatter-brained, or sloppy, or late, but if the behavior isn’t intentionally manipulative or coercive, then it should not carry the same weight as name-calling or silent treatments, or other hurtful behaviors.
The best treatment for abusers is group counseling, explicitly tailored to address controlling and damaging behaviors and attitudes. The most effective groups involve cognitive behavior therapy, accountability, and consequences. Individual therapy can also be beneficial to an abuser, as long as the therapist addresses the proper issues. Once the individual problems have been addressed, then, maybe, couple’s counseling can be beneficial.
In my opinion, it is helpful to treat abusers the same way you treat addicts. You teach them how to work a “program of recovery;” “recovery,” being abstinence from all hints of entitlement, selfishness, manipulation, and controlling behaviors – either covert or overt.

 
The partners of abusers are not completely off the hook, however. The partners need to understand that if they allow themselves to be abused, they will only normalize it and teach the abuser that they will, indeed, tolerate it. This conditions the abuser to continue on with no penalties.
If you are with someone who hurts you, you need to work your own “program of recovery,” and refrain yourself from participating in unhealthy relationships. The help you need will not be found in couple’s therapy.

Not Sure If the Relationship Is Working? Answer These 5 Questions

Is his love for you sweet or sour?
Are you in a one-sided relationship with someone you are in love with, but you’re not sure loves you back? Or maybe you’re dating someone who used to seem madly in love with you, and who showed you and told you so every day, but now you’re seeing signs that you might need to let go and you should break up?
It can be just as confusing to know how to tell if a guy likes you as it is to know when it’s time to break up with your boyfriend, no matter how many people you ask for dating advice about it.
And it’s scary when you’re wondering how you’ll ever let go of someone you love, even if he currently has you feeling nothing but the pain of an already broken heart.
Breaking up and letting go of someone you love is a very hard thing to do. Much like the hope that a coma victim will wake up, the hope of resurrecting lost love is one that’s hard to let go of.
Warning Signs You’re in a One-Sided Relationship
So what are the signs you should breakup, and how do you decide when it’s really time to pull the plug and walk away?
Work through this checklist, and see if any or all of these criteria fit your situation. If they do, then perhaps it’s time to let go of your one-sided relationship and move on.
Here are questions to ask yourself in order to know when it’s time to break up with your boyfriend when you can’t figure out how to tell if he likes you or is stringing you along.
1. Are Your Thoughts Only About Him?
Do you spend much of your waking hours thinking about your man? Do you spend hours stalking him on social media, listening to songs that remind you of him, and trying to figure out ways to run into him?
If the answers to these questions are “yes,” then you may be experiencing something called obsessive love. Obsessive love is when one person feels an obsessive desire to possess and protect another person with an inability to accept rejection or failure.
Love is a wonderful, giving, open emotion. Obsession is a harsh, angry, destructive one.
So, if the love you feel for your man is obsession, then it’s definitely time to let go. It’s not healthy for either of you.

2. Does He Give You Mixed Messages?
Is your man alternating between hot and cold? On some days, does he seem like his loving self, and then others he is crabby and distant and no fun to be with?
Unless your man has bipolar disorder, a man who is playing up and down with his woman is a man no longer interested.
If a man wants something, particularly a woman, he will move heaven and earth to get it. If your man only wants you some days and not others, then he isn’t making any effort at all to keep you.
So, unless your man is always hot for you, let him go.
3. Does He Have Anything to Offer?
Being with a man who runs hot and cold can be very upsetting. Even worse, but harder to spot, is a man who gives you nothing.
Has your man stopped asking how you are doing? Has he stopped asking you out on dates or bringing home the groceries or including you in activities with his friends? Does he no longer listen when you talk or seem to care at all about what you think?
A man like this is a man who has nothing left to give to the woman he used to love.
Unfortunately, for many women, when they are trying to save a relationship that was once so promising, they become so obsessed with saving it that they don’t notice how little of it still exists.
They will talk more to fill in the silences left by the absence of questions. They will invite themselves along on outings they weren’t invited to. They will plan things that the two of them can do together. As a result, women don’t notice that their man has completely checked out.
So, take a moment and think about your relationship. What has your man done for you lately? If the list is short, then it’s time to let him go.
One Key to Letting Go Is the Strength You’ve Built So Far in Life

4. Does Your History Together Keep Repeating Itself?
Are you and your guy stuck in a cycle of good and bad, up and down, highs and lows? Are there days when things feel almost like they used to and then days when things are so bad that you want to cry?
Does your man tell you that he needs space and disappear only to reappear a few weeks later telling you how much he misses you?
If you find yourself in these kinds of patterns, where things are never constantly good but rather a roller coaster of emotions that is sucking you dry, then it’s time to let go.
5. Are You Afraid You’ll Never Love or Be Loved Again?
Be honest. Do you sometimes think that you just can’t let this guy go because, if you do, you will never love or be loved again?
Do you think about going back on dating apps or do you worry that you might have to attend the family or office Christmas party alone, and feel nothing but dread at the prospect?
If you are feeling this way, then it’s time to let go of your man. If you are staying with your guy because you are worried that there won’t ever be someone else, then you are staying with him for the wrong reasons.
There will be another love out there for you, but you will never find him if you’re stuck in a relationship that isn’t making you happy.

If you can let go of this one, then you will set yourself up, physically and energetically, to find that person who will love you forever.
You are probably reading this article because you suspect, deep down, that the relationship you are in isn’t the right one for you.
But it’s hard to admit this and even harder to let go. However, it is essential, for your mental health and the health of your future love life, that you pay hard attention to whether it’s time to let go of a lost love.
Is he treating you well? Is the love you feel for him healthy? Are you worried you will never love again?
Ask yourself these questions and, if the answers fit, be determined to let go of your lost love.

Relationship Recovery: 5 Steps To Create A Mindset For Harmony

 Healthy, loving relationships are a cornerstone for happiness and peace. When we lack positive connections with others, it is difficult to feel completely fulfilled and whole. While frequent problems in relationships might seem common, they don’t have to be. From family and friends, to co-workers and colleagues; all of our relationships can be positive and harmonious if you believe it.
Too often, we expect that stress and strife will be part of our relationships at some point. We live in a reactionary state, waiting for an issue to arise and then responding when feeling highly emotional. While wanting to be prepared for problems is seemingly responsible, it can attract unnecessary negativity. What we expect is what we create, especially in our relationships.
Proactive mindfulness helps us to be positively effective. We can learn to be prepared without necessarily giving voice to our worries and fears, and without letting long-standing detrimental beliefs run the show. In relationships, this takes practice; think of it as a spiritual practice. Creating harmony is truly more about creating a mindset for it, then about reacting to situations that may deter from it. It all starts and comes from within.
Having a practice to consciously create harmony in our relationships is a great way to focus positive energy around our connections to others, as well as solidifying our mindset for harmony and balance. The following five steps are centered around this purpose. They are a spiritual and common sense path to help us create the most basic of human needs; loving relationships.

1. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
If you ignore your self-care on any level, expect to see it mirrored in your relationships. When you neglect your own needs, others will neglect you in some manner. This is because the message and energy you send out into the universe is that you aren’t worthy; caring for ourselves is a direct reflection of self-worth.
We cannot be in our best state of well-being and high vibrating energy if we are not taking excellent care of ourselves. Eating healthy, physical, activity, resting, sleeping, relaxation, creative outlets, doing what brings us joy and spending time with those who make us happy are just a few ways to love ourselves. When we do not give ourselves the time or permission to do what we love, we are neglecting our own needs. When we do not eat the healthiest foods, we are neglecting health and well-being. When we continuously push ourselves to do more and rest less, we are neglecting our mind, body and spirit. This all culminates into lowering our vibration, which in turn will attract other low vibrating energy into our lives.
In relationships, this low vibrating energy can show up in many forms. Anger, stress, problems with communication, intimacy issues, and just plain not getting along. Not to mention, with low vibrating energy comes emotional chaos and cloudy thinking; making our perspective less then positive. Self-care is vital to positivity in all areas of our lives and it is absolutely necessary for harmonious relationships both personally and professionally.

2. SET INTENTIONS
If you want to manifest something you desire, you have to ask for it. Healthy and happy relationships are no different. Having a clear vision of what you truly desire is crucial.
Too often, we simply make general statements about our relationships in terms of what we want; “I just want love” or “I just want kind people in my life” are not really statements that paint a clear picture. Don’t be afraid to get more specific about your needs and ask spirit to help connect you with people who meet them.
Use a vision board to represent the characteristics and kinds of people that you want to surround yourself with on a regular basis. Pictures and words that help you visualize the kind of life you truly want are powerful tools that connect and align you with the energy of what you desire, while helping you remain focused on it. Use Pinterest so you can add to and view the vision of your relationships on a daily basis; fill that board with quotes, words, pictures and images that represent what you want to create.

3. COMMUNICATE YOUR BOUNDARIES
When you create a clear vision of the kinds of relationships you desire, you must live in accordance with it and use it to guide you in setting healthy boundaries. Loving, honest communication is the best way to maintain health boundaries and your vision board is the standard for what you will allow into your life.
For example, If you want reciprocity, a balance with giving and receiving, then you must avoid doing everything for everyone and ask others for help when you need it. If your actions do not align with your intentions, you send mixed messages to the universe and create chaotic energy; attracting negativity into your life.
Boundaries can range from developing new habits, like asking for help, and communicating your feelings to distancing yourself from toxic situations. Use your visions board as your guide and remember, what you continually allow is what you continually attract. The choice is completely yours; you control the relationships you have in your life.

4. FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION
If it doesn’t feel right for you, then it isn’t right for you; even if you cannot explain why. Our intuition doesn’t lie, because energy doesn’t lie. Our gut feelings about people are based on energy and it’s time to trust them completely.
Most of us can name a time when we knew someone wasn’t good for us to let into our lives, but we ignored our instincts and were later hurt by this person in some way. So why do we we ignore our intuitive feelings? Guilt is a primary reason. We feel guilty because we cannot explain these feelings, which makes us think we might be judgmental or unkind.
It is not unkind to trust yourself. It is not unkind to act in accordance with what you know is right for you. It is, however, unkind to make a person believe you want them in your life; when actually you are uncertain. That is called inauthenticity; it’s dishonesty. Choose to follow your intuition and lead an honest, authentic life. Only participate in relationships you truly want and trust yourself know which ones they are. Authentic relationships are harmonious because they don’t continually cause stress from living a lie.

5. LEARN TO LET GO
When a relationship causes you continual pain, stress or unhappiness; it’s a sign that something has to change. In relationships, making a personal change to your behavior, or your dynamic in the relationship, can help to create positivity; but sometimes that is not enough. In the case of toxic relationships; you have to learn to let go.
The degree of letting go will vary depending on circumstances. It can mean anything from spending less time with someone to walking away completely. You have to determine what works best for you and honor what your intuition is telling you.
Sometimes, just changing your role and not continuing the same patterns is enough; it’s a way of accepting the other person while respecting your own needs. In this case, put aside past expectations and be realistic about what kind of relationship is truly possible given what you have been shown time and time again. The important thing is to be very honest with yourself about what you can tolerate and live in accordance with that (use your vision board as a guide). It means you have to let go of what you may have wanted for the relationship, and be realistic about what you can actually have and, most importantly, if you truly want to remain in the relationship.
We often remain in toxic relationships out of fear or obligation. We convince ourselves it’s unkind to walk away or spend less time with someone, so we are dishonest about our true feelings and continue as if nothing is wrong. It’s far more loving to be honest and honor our feelings, especially when we have tried to create harmony, and to learn to let go of a relationship that is t working. When we do this, we make room in our lives for positive new relationships and we live much more authentically; benefitting everyone in our lives.
We all deserve healthy, loving relationships. Believe it is possible and create a practice for your own harmonious relationships. All you need to do is take the first step!