How To Fix A Codependent Relationship, According To An Expert

It's easy to think that being in a codependent relationship means you that you spend too much time together or start to dress the same, but that's not really what codependency is about.

"Codependency has become a buzzword, and people sometimes misunderstand what it means to be codependent. It is important to remember that in a healthy relationship, it is absolutely OK to depend on your partner," Holly Daniels, PhD, LMFT, clinical systems director at Sober College, tells Bustle. "... In some relationships, however, one or both partners value the relationship much more than they value their own health and well-being. This is called codependence."

So it's more about putting the relationship above yourself — the need to protect the relationship at all costs, and getting anxious at the idea of it ending. Now, if that sounds like you, don't feel bad about it — it's actually something experts say is often related to our childhoods.

"Codependence isn’t something you just fall into — it is a dynamic that stems from insecure attachment — a pattern of relating that is formed early in our lives," Daniels says. If you had an unhealthy relationship with one or both parents, it may be the cause of your codependence now. So don't feel badly about it, just work to get past it. Here's what you need to keep in mind if you think you're in a codependent relationship.  

The Most Important Thing To Do Is Talk To Your Partner About It

If you realize that your relationship is codependent, it's important to be honest about it. "Both partners in a codependent relationship are most likely struggling with insecure attachment issues that will keep them from forming and sustaining healthy, happy long-term relationships," Daniels says. "So, if you find yourself in a codependent relationship, the most important thing to do is talk to your partner about it! Set aside a time to talk away from distractions, and open up a dialogue about your concerns. If your partner gets super defensive or avoids having the conversation at all, this is a sign that you are indeed in a codependent relationship. Having an honest, open conversation about the state of your relationship may feel threatening for both of you, but the potential for growth and healing is tremendous if the two of you can sit with the discomfort and have a heart-to-heart talk. The goal is to come up with strategies for each of you to practice feeling secure in the relationship, while also strengthening your independence outside of the relationship."

Consider Professional Help

Don't be afraid to seek professional help either. Chances are, you're going to be opening up what might be some very deep wounds and looking at engrained habits, so you might need a third party to help. "Often, the discomfort for one or both partners is so intense that this kind of conversation needs to be had with a non-partial couple’s counselor or therapist," Daniels says. "Having a third-party who is trained to reduce the tension and help you both communicate openly and honestly can be very helpful." It can help make the conversation more measured and also give you some objective advice from someone not invested in the relationship. Codependency can make it difficult to see the forest for the trees.  

Move On If You Have To

That being said, some people just won't be willing to confront or move on from their codependency — it's just too much of a safety net for them. If that's the case, you need to put yourself first. "Sometimes you’ll find yourself with a partner that refuses to have an open conversation in any setting," Daniels says. "In that case, you might have to cut your losses and move on. I strongly encourage you, however, to talk with a therapist on your own to help yourself work through the issues that made you prone to engaging in a co-dependent relationship in the first place. Humans are destined to repeat their relationship patterns until they can work through and heal their underlying attachment issues." Dealing with a codependent relationship isn't easy — but knowing that you're in one is the first step. If you're willing to look at your own issues around attachment and work on your relationship, it can put you on track for a much healthier future — whether it's with your current partner or someone new.

16 questions to ask your partner before you commit to the relationship

It's great to be unconditional in love, but not stupid. Here are some questions you must ask your partner and a few you must ask yourself before you commit to them forever.
Not everything comes with lifetime guarantee. Especially relationships. As much as two people might be in love, life happens. And then it isn't just love, but practical stuff that determines how your days, weeks, and years with your partner turn out. In order to save yourself from a series of heartbreaks, here are 15 conversations to have and questions to ask your partner.

1. Did you think of marriage/commitment before you met me?
 
This might not be a romantic thing to ask soon after or before a proposal, but this question will help you get a deeper insight into their beliefs about marriage. Did they always think marriage wasn't for them and then you came along? Watch out. As romantic as it might seem, their core beliefs might crop up years later.  

2. Do you plan to have kids? What are your thoughts about it?
 
Do you like kids? Have you thought about having one or few yourself? If so, how would you like to raise them? Would you consider co-parenting as the only way through?  

3. How do you like to spend your money?
  
Do you have any loan that I should be aware of? Do you have a habit of saving? Where would you like to spend most of your money? Would you consider co-saving or do you prefer individual accounts forever?

4. Is there an ex you are still friends with and what role do they play in your life?
 
This is a big one. If your partner hasn't said much about their past relationships, it's to broach the subject with lighter questions about "what did you learn from your past relationships?" This will get them to talk without getting defensive. If there is an ex who is still in touch, be honest about your own comfort level and express this to your partner.

5. Is there any subject that you are very sensitive about?

This can save you from many arguments that are triggered by accidental remarks. If your partner is super sensitive about their physical abilities (to move things around, trek up, energy level), even a small comment like "God, I should have hired a professional to get the stuff moved" will make them feel criticized.

6. How do you feel about your parents' marriage/relationship?

Whether you like it or not, our parents' relationship has a huge influence on our lives. Your partner's core beliefs about companionship, intimacy, attachment style, honesty, mode of communication etc. are likely to be impacted by what he/she grew up watching as a kid. By understanding how they feel about this will make a lot of their behavior and defense mechanisms more understandable.  

7. What're your worst fears when it comes to marriage/long-term relationship?

Do they fear feeling lonely? Does the thought of lifelong commitment scare them? Is their worst fear being cheated on or losing you to someone else? All these things say a lot about their unconscious fears and worries.

8. What do you consider as cheating?

Is it just sex that they consider as cheating? What about flirting? What about emotional infidelity? What about talking about you secrets with another friend? Is it okay to be too close to one of your friends even if they share nothing but a good rapport? How comfortable are you with it?  

9. How do you feel about religion?

While this is something you are likely to have figured by the time it comes to a proposal, it is important to know values that are intrinsic to them. Do they have staunch beliefs about creation and life? You might be okay with that. But if this reflects on how they want to parent their kids, you need to consider how compatible this is with your own beliefs.  

10. What's your dealbreaker?

What is something that can break the relationship beyond repair? Ask yourself this before you ask your partner. Is it cheating? If so, of what kind? What about not being there for the other in terms of need, lying, breaking promises?  

11. Are we sexually compatible?

This is a biggie. Most couples assume that things will get in sync once they move in or get married. But if one person has a big appetite for sex and the other has low libido, talking about it before it gets too late is important.  

12. How would you like a regular weekend to be?

You both might be loving every moment you spend together. This might make you do things you might not otherwise enjoy. But if you are a home bird and your partner likes to let his/her party animal have a wild night every weekend, then your daily routine might involve a lot of arguments.  

13. What are your views on alcohol and drugs?

Many marriages and relationships that break due to substance abuse often have symptoms that were missed on during the early stage. When you ask this question, you attack any potential issues even before it begins to ruin both of your lives.

15. Will he/she be open to talk and listen even when we don't agree about something?

No two people will agree with each other at all times. There will be differences, disagreements, assumptions, biases, and annoying defense mechanisms at play. The only thing that will get you through all of these is your and your partner's willingness to listen and share without judgment.

 16. Can I trust her/him with my feelings?

Can you trust your partner to understand that all feelings are natural and acceptable? Can they respect what you feel without ridiculing or reducing them by calling them as silly, too intense, dramatic, or "neurotic." Do you feel comfortable when you share your vulnerabilities and insecurities?

And finally, ask yourself this: Do I see myself growing as an individual besides her/him? Do they add to who I am or will I feel drained of my natural confidence, talent, time, energy, and resources?

Barack Obama’s Three Key Questions For Lasting, Healthy Relationships

Whether or not you believe in “The One”, one thing’s for sure – Barack and Michelle Obama are probably as close to it as you can get. People have long admired their relationship and luckily we’re getting a taste of what it takes to have a relationship like Barack and Michelle, courtesy of Barack’s former Communications Director Dan Pfeiffer. In his new book, Yes We (Still) Can, Pfeiffer reveals the invaluable relationship advice he received from the former president.

How Barack Obama Found “The One”

Barack and Michelle Obama’s love story began in the summer of 1988, when a then 28-year-old Barack and Michelle, who was 25 at the time, met at the law firm Sidley Austin LLP. Michelle was assigned to be Barack’s mentor at the law firm, but a month into them working together, he decided to ask her out. Michelle wasn’t keen on the idea at first but she eventually relented and their first date consisted of lunch at the Art Institute of Chicago and then seeing the Spike Lee film “Do The Right Thing.”
Barack and Michelle were married on October 3, 1992 and Michelle noted that his heartfelt vows were a glimpse at what was to come in their marriage. They went on to have two daughters in 1998 and 2001 respectively, and, as we all know, Barack was elected to the presidency in 2008. Their marriage has survived the toughest job anyone can have and they’ve become a source of inspiration for many couples.

The Key To Healthy Relationships – Three Questions Everyone Should Ask About Their Spouse

Pfeiffer had Obama’s wisdom imparted to him after he revealed that he planned to move in with his then-girlfriend on his last day at the White House back in 2015. Obama responded to the news by revealing that he gives the same advice to everyone about marriage and that it’s important to ask yourself three specific questions about your potential spouse.
The first imperative question that should be asked according to Obama is “Is she someone you find interesting?” (1). He told Pfeiffer that, “You will spend more time with this person than anyone else for the rest of your life, and there is nothing more important than always wanting to hear what she has to say about things.” Couldn’t have said it better myself, thanks, Obama!
The second question Obama asked Pfeiffer is “Does she make you laugh?”. This question doesn’t require much explanation, having a partner you can laugh with makes the relationship and life in general much more enjoyable.
The last crucial relationship question Obama asked Pfeiffer was “I don’t know if you want kids, but if you do, do you think she will be a good mom?”. Obama then went on to explain that, “Life is long. These are the things that really matter over the long term.” Obama was definitely on to something!

The Proof Is In the Pudding

Pfieffer answered yes to all these questions and married his girlfriend Howli Ledbetter in October 2016. The Obama’s celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary in October 2017 and there’s no doubting that this couple’s view on marriage is something to take note of.

Selena Gomez & Justin Bieber Should Do Couples Therapy If They Want To Last — Expert Speaks

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez may be giving their romance another try, but if they want their relationship to last forever, they should seek couples therapy. Here’s why!
We’re all rooting for Justin Bieber, 23, and Selena Gomez, 25, to make their newly rekindled romance go the distance, but the foundation of any solid relationship is communication. When asked how these two can increase their chances of making it work this time around, relationship expert Dr. Jenn Mann, who wrote the book Jenn’s 6-Step Guide to Improving Communication, Connection & Intimacy, EXCLUSIVELY told HollywoodLife.com the pair should take part in couples therapy, and we think it’s a great idea. “Therapy! Doing some individual and couples therapy in order to develop the tools and skills that are needed to have a healthy relationship are important for most couples, especially these two,” suggested Dr. Jenn. “I am a big fan of couples doing therapy work early on in the relationship so that they start out a relationship, or restart a relationship, with new skills.”

In addition to seeking out therapy, Dr. Jenn wisely advocates the two schedule some one-on-one time during their busy calendars. “Connection is the foundation for any relationship,” Dr. Jenn added. “They need to make the time for each other and make sure they are talking face to face and connecting. I know that Selena is not partying because of her health issues, Justin needs to minimize any partying. Also, keep the relationship as private as possible.”

We reported earlier how Selena recently unfollowed The Weeknd, 27, on Instagram, which might have been the perfect move — unfollowing your ex is a good way to keep them out of sight and mind. After Selena was spotted kissing Justin, fans everywhere — including us — rejoiced. Now, we hope these two can make their relationship better than ever with some couples therapy!

How I Recently Killed Myself To Save My Marriage

You’re going to learn a lot about me personally the more you continue to follow and read my blog. It’s not all about celebrity gossip, but it’s about my life helping someone else’s life. Let me take you to last year when I killed myself to save my marriage.
Manic Depressive… that’s what they say I am. For everything I’ve been through in my life, I will just say I have gotten to a point where I was mentally unstable. Every doctor I would see would prescribe me with something that they thought, at the time would stabilize me. I’ve been on

• sertraline (Zoloft) 
• fluoxetine (Prozac, Sarafem) 
• citalopram (Celexa) 
• escitalopram (Lexapro) 
• paroxetine (Paxil, Pexeva, Brisdelle) 
• fluvoxamine (Luvox)

Not to mention 1mg of Xanax twice a day. By last year, I believe I was on about 3 antidepressants and a couple of things for anxiety. I was a walking zombie. I was at a point in my life where I had no feelings. I literally could not feel a thing. I had no emotions. Nothing was there. I was just a walking body. Nothing mattered. I was completely brain dead, nerve dead, whatever dead… I couldn’t feel. My marriage was crumbling. My kids didn’t want to be around me. I didn’t want to be around me.

My husband and I would argue, well he would argue because I didn’t give two shits about what he was talking about. I didn’t care. I was at the point where I wasn’t intimate with him. I expected him to go out and find a chick and have sex with her. I wasn’t giving it to him. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t cheating on me. I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t leave me, until one night I heard him praying for me (he still doesn’t know that I heard him praying for me). That night sent me in a rage. We argued until 4:00 in the morning. I had enough.
I took every pill bottled that had anything to do with anxiety and depression and I flushed it. That was the beginning of my death sentence. Anyone who is on daily medications for anxiety and depression and the amount and dosage I was on, knows that the doctor SPECIFICALLY tells you that you MUST be weened off of the medication. You cannot stop taking those pills cold turkey.

Day one without taking my meds, I felt fine, just a slight headache but I was good. As time went on, I began to lose my mind. It was even worse than before. I was a mad woman. I was yelling, crying, throwing things, throwing up, wasn’t eating, having chills, diarrhea, chest pains, migraines, weak, suicidal… must I go on? My husband didn’t know what was going on with me and our arguments were getting worse but I was beginning to use the little bit of strength I had to fight. I was killing myself so that I could save my marriage. I knew that if I stopped being doped up, I would become the woman he fell in love with. The woman with a big heart. The woman who put others before she put herself. The woman who cried while watching Disney movies. The woman who loved to laugh, who had fears. The woman who loved to be affectionate and passionate in and out of the bed room. The woman who loved her children more than she loved herself. But most importantly, the woman who FEARED, TRUSTED, AND LOVED GOD with all of her mind, body and soul. So I made a promise to myself and to my Creator that if I could kill this demon that had taken over me and that would feed off of the medication that was prescribed to me, I wouldn’t look back. I would be the woman God called me to be.
Things began to change. My husband began to see the change. So it was time to tell him that I was alive and I could have died but God kept me. All he kept saying was that he wished he would have known that I was withdrawing etc, etc but I had to explain that what I did was something that I had to do on my own. He needed to know that I killed myself to save my marriage.

How I Saved My Marriage when He’s the One who Needed to Change

Dien Luu, Laura Doyle Certified Coach
It was actually my husband who first read The Surrendered Wife.
He said he thought it would help our relationship if I considered some of the ideas. I looked at the title, and I was so angry.
How dare he blame this on me!
I really thought that I was doing everything right. If only he would change, our life would be happier.
After moving to England, I often told him, “I gave up my life in Canada to be here with you. At least you could make an effort!” I was honest and blunt about my feelings, to the point of rudeness. But the more I told him how to be a good husband, the more distant he became.
I’m not sure how I got to be so unhappy, angry, and lonely in my marriage.
Was it postnatal depression since the birth of our son three months earlier? Was it because my husband was out of the house three nights a week for badminton, live music and football? Was it because I had not made new friends in this small town?
I wanted to be happy, but I just didn’t know how. To make matters worse, I blamed my husband for my unhappiness.

What happened to the guy I had fallen in love with?
Was this the same man who used to drive three hours from Wales to England each way every weekend for a whole year to see me? The one who flew to Canada after we broke up to work things out? The one who had said he was crazy about me?
At times he would jokingly say, “Please stop disrespecting me.”
I didn’t think I was disrespecting him. I thought he was being too sensitive.
He accused me of having a ghetto attitude and always being ready for a fight. In defense, I called him a country boy with no street sense.
I remember the day I decided to surrender.
I was going to let him have it. I called him at work and ran off a list of complaints. When I was finished my rant, I heard him crying.
He said he’d had to leave the office because I was yelling into the phone so loud that he was worried his colleagues could hear. He was sitting on the ground between two cars in the parking lot, sobbing and waiting for me to stop yelling.

He said, “I’m a grown man and I’m in a car park crying. Things shouldn’t be like this. I can’t take this anymore.”
He was right.
Things shouldn’t be like this. I decided that something needed to change.
I packed my copy of The Surrendered Wife and took the baby to a friend’s house for a week. When my husband had recommended the book, I dismissed it as soon as I got to the part about relinquishing control of the finances.
This time, I read the entire book in a week–twice.
I was so desperate for things to change in my marriage. I decided to try everything that was in the book.
I returned to my husband a grateful wife. I thanked him for making me coffee, taking care of our son, playing music with me, washing up after dinner, and going to work so I could stay home with our newborn.
I stopped complaining to him. I stopped telling him what to do. If he asked for my opinion on something that was his to decide, I would smile and say, “Whatever you think. I trust you.”
I started to respect him for who he was and made it a priority to show that I really respected his decisions by supporting instead of criticizing him.
I decided to get rid of the ghetto attitude by talking nicely to my husband instead of swearing and rolling my eyes at him.
I started to schedule three self-care activities a day, focusing on what I could do to make myself happy. I called my friends more often for girl talk. I started to play my violin again. I made time every day for a nap, a walk in the park, and writing a gratitude list in my journal.
I saw results immediately.
We argued less. We started laughing together again. He was home more often.
When I surrendered, he responded well. When I fell back into my old ways of nagging, complaining, blaming and yelling, he retreated emotionally.
It became clear to me that surrendering brings peace and happiness. Non-surrendering brings me back to feeling lonely and sad in my marriage.
I could see that things were improving between us, but I still yearned for them to be better. I googled “Laura Doyle” and read her blogs. I purchased her other books and read them daily for inspiration.
My girlfriends were calling me to vent about their husbands or partners, and I would talk to them about surrendering. All of this was going on without my husband’s knowledge.
Surrendering did not come naturally to me. I felt I was speaking a whole new language.
So one day, I decided that I wanted to enroll in Laura’s Relationship Coach Training program.
It was time to confess to my husband that I had reread the book that he’d recommended years ago.
I was worried that he would think I was somehow being fake in my marriage by following a handful of Skills. He was surprised to learn that I had reread the book. He also said, “I did notice that things had changed. I thought it was strange that you kept saying ‘Whatever you think.’”
The decision to surrender saved my marriage.
The Six Intimacy Skills™ have brought peace and intimacy back in my relationship. I definitely want more of it. I continue to practice the Intimacy Skills every day in my marriage, and I am so grateful for every opportunity to apply them.
I don’t feel like a fake at all. In fact, I feel more myself when I am feminine. I definitely feel more cherished, loved and adored by my husband.
I am so much happier with who I have become.

9 Habits You Could Develop In A Relationship To Earn Your Partner’s Respect

Respect is important in a relationship. There’s just no denying that. It’s absolutely imperative that two people who are in a relationship with one another actually do respect each other. No relationship whether romantic or not could possibly ever survive without the establishment of respect between the two individuals involved. It takes for mutual respect between two people to really build an emotional bond and connection with one another. When the mutual respect is compromised, then the relationship as a whole is also compromised.
So what is respect exactly? And how can two people actually build on their respect for one another? In a nutshell, respect is about the recognition of one’s worth and value as an individual; the awareness that underneath a human’s exterior shell lies the soul of an individual who is supposed to be treated with high regard.

And it’s sad to note that a lot of people still fall victim to practicing bad habits in their relationship which are also blatant acts of disrespect. And these acts of disrespect can manifest themselves in so many different ways; it would be pointless to try and list them all here. Remember that each individual human being is special and the can have their own individual standards of respect. That’s why communication is always important in a relationship so you can really understand each other in an optimal manner and that you don’t cross any lines or boundaries with one another.

But if you’re feeling completely lost and clueless with how to really show your partner that you respect them, you don’t have to fret at all. While there is no one-size-fits-all solution to showing respect for your partner and earning their respect in return, there are some best practices that you could take note of and adopt for your own relationship. You just always have to be mindful of your own doings and the emotional impact your words and actions can have on your partner. Remember that part of earning someone’s respect is being able to give it in return. And just to put you on the right track, make sure that you follow the tips that are listed on here to the best of your abilities. Here are 11 habits that you could develop in a relationship to earn your partner’s respect.

1. Don’t neglect your sense of self.
In order for you to gain the respect of another person, you must first be able to respect yourself. You can’t expect your partner to respect you on a daily basis if you don’t value your own individuality. Build your own life; build a life that you could actually be proud of.
2. Be aware of the things that frustrate your partner.
Know the things that make your partner tick. Be sensitive of your partner’s feelings. Know what bad habits you might have that are actually negatively affecting the way that they see you in the relationship. You have to always be on your best behavior.
3. Make sure that you are someone your partner can rely on.
Dependability goes a long way in a relationship. Remember that you are both partners in life. You have to have each other’s backs. You have to be able to depend on one another. Your partner couldn’t respect someone they couldn’t rely on.
4. Practice healthy habits when you argue with each other.
Arguments are going to happen in a relationship. You won’t always see eye to eye on everything. But the quickest way to lose someone’s respect would be to resort to immature and unhealthy forms of argumentation. Keep things mature and civil at all times.
5. Be supportive of your partner’s goals and dreams.
It can’t just always be about how you feel in a relationship. You have to be mindful of your partner’s goals and dreams as well. You have to make sure that you don’t make your partner feel neglected or undervalued.
6. Always be fully present whenever you’re together.
That means stowing your phone away on dates. That means keeping yourself from checking other people out when you’re together. When you’re spending time with each other, really be present.
7. Practice complete honesty at all times with your partner.
Honesty is expensive don’t expect it from cheap people. If you show your partner respect, then you know that respect always comes hand in hand with honesty. Be truthful and honest with your partner about everything. Always be open to them.
8. Set your boundaries for one another.
Again, respect can mean many things to many different people. That’s why you have to set your boundaries for each other early on so that you know that you aren’t crossing any lines in the relationship.
9. Apologize whenever you screw up.
And lastly, learn to humble yourself. One of the greatest signs of respect is being able to just swallow your pride and apologize whenever you screw up or do something wrong in the relationship.

Statements That May be Helpful for “Normal” Couples, But are Destructive in Abusive/Narcissistic Relationships

Abusers love it when you give them the benefit of the doubt. In fact, they bank on it. The more you overlook their mean behaviors, the better positioned they are to manipulate you and exploit your good nature in the future.

It takes two to tango

This message suggests that the reason you’re having problems is because both of you are equally responsible. Loved ones and bystanders buy in to this belief as well, suggesting that the two of you are just a ‘bad fit’ bringing the worst out of each other. The truth is narcissists bring out the worst in anyone they get emotionally entangled with.

Quit bringing up the past; move on

In a narcissist’s world, the past was five minutes ago when he/she called you an idiot. When in an abusive relationship, it is important to identify patterns, rather than isolated events. Everyone has problems, “melt downs,” and irrational behaviors which may be injurious to those closest to them; but in abusive relationships, the infractions are patterns, not anomalies, as in the case of healthy relationships.

Forgive and forget

As mentioned above, abusers exploit conscientious people’s good qualities, such as the ability to forgive.  I’m not saying don’t forgive, but as you do the forgiving don’t expect the other party to be (a) repentant; (b) remorseful; (c) willing to change.  Rather, expect the opposite: (1) continual hurtful behavior; (2) lack of insight; (3) no empathy for the harm caused.
Don’t feel bad for having a memory and not forgetting the bad things that happened. In fact, remembering is probably a healthy trait for someone in an abusive relationship, because so often, victims of abuse experience “abuse amnesia.”

Pay attention to the words he/she is saying; don’t read in to it

Abusers love it when you just listen to their words, ignoring their implications and non-verbal messages, because this causes you to doubt your intuition and ultimately yourself. This way, abusers can gaslight you all day long while you take everything at face value, ignoring their covert agenda.

Wives, submit to your husbands

If your husband is the abuser and you are of the Judeo-Christian faith, then you have probably heard that the Bible instructs you to submit to your husband. In an abusive situation the husband will use that statement to the best of his abusive nature’s advantage. Your husband will adhere only to this one piece of scripture, ignoring all others (such as, “submit one to another,” and “treat your wife in an understanding way,” and so on.

Learn to communicate better; or, “You can catch more flies with honey”

In other words, many counselors believe the problem in the relationship is a communication problem. While this may be true, the solution does not reside in the couple, but rather in the perpetrator. This advice implies that the partner of an abuser must learn to communicate in a manner that prevents him or herself from being abused, because, after all, the abuser was only reacting to your poor initial statements.
You may think, “I was a little rough,” or, “Maybe I should have waited until later to bring this up.” Believing this falsehood causes victims to continue to feel responsible for the healthiness of the relationship, completely removing responsibility from the abuser.
Remember this one truth: Each one of us is responsible for our own behavior.  We ALL have choices.

“Maybe he/she needs ‘anger management’ classes”
This is a myth. Abusers don’t need to take anger management classes. Abuse may look like an anger management problem, but it is far more sinister than just an inability to manage one’s anger. Abusers have no desire to change. In fact, when abusers go to therapy or anger management classes, they simply learn more covert ways of displaying their hurtful behaviors, while their partners naively believe that all they really need to do is learn to manage their anger.
If you are the victim of an abuser, do you honestly think that the person can’t control him/herself? Think about it – abusers are very good at “managing.” The prerequisite for anger management or counseling to work is that the individuals seeking treatment want to change.  Abusers don’t want to change, they enjoy hurting others. It makes them feel superior and powerful.
Understanding that everyone does that which brings them a certain payoff, and for abusers, making others feel badly brings them a morbid sense of satisfaction.
If you can convince an abuser to go to anger management classes and the problems still exist, the abuser will most likely use this to his/her advantage making comments such as, “I took anger management classes and you’re still not happy!  Nothing is ever enough for you!”

You need to learn conflict resolution

What people fail to realize in abusive relationships is that the abuser/narcissist caused the conflict in the first place and has no desire to resolve anything.  Yes, conflict resolution is a valuable skill to acquire, but in relationships with abusers, there will be no resolve, and it’s not your fault. Remember this reality.
There’s a concept known as “rupture and repair,” which describes how intimate relationships are borne from a multiplicity of experiences, including the experiences of “rupture and repair.” This occurs when the relationship is put to the test via some conflict. In healthy relationships it’s not the fact that a rupture has occurred, but rather that it is resolved.

Let it go

It is always good advice to not hang on to things forever, beating a dead horse; but, in an abusive relationship, if you just let it go every time something bad happens you train the abuser that he or she will never be held accountable for poor behavior.  The relationship will continue forever in this pattern. This is really not a healthy way to live.
Instead of just letting things go, learn to demand accountability and set firm boundaries for what you will or will not accept.

Everyone Has Problems

This statement, said in an abusive relationship, encourages the victim to put up with abuse.

Not Sure If the Relationship Is Working? Answer These 5 Questions

Is his love for you sweet or sour?
Are you in a one-sided relationship with someone you are in love with, but you’re not sure loves you back? Or maybe you’re dating someone who used to seem madly in love with you, and who showed you and told you so every day, but now you’re seeing signs that you might need to let go and you should break up?
It can be just as confusing to know how to tell if a guy likes you as it is to know when it’s time to break up with your boyfriend, no matter how many people you ask for dating advice about it.
And it’s scary when you’re wondering how you’ll ever let go of someone you love, even if he currently has you feeling nothing but the pain of an already broken heart.
Breaking up and letting go of someone you love is a very hard thing to do. Much like the hope that a coma victim will wake up, the hope of resurrecting lost love is one that’s hard to let go of.
Warning Signs You’re in a One-Sided Relationship
So what are the signs you should breakup, and how do you decide when it’s really time to pull the plug and walk away?
Work through this checklist, and see if any or all of these criteria fit your situation. If they do, then perhaps it’s time to let go of your one-sided relationship and move on.
Here are questions to ask yourself in order to know when it’s time to break up with your boyfriend when you can’t figure out how to tell if he likes you or is stringing you along.
1. Are Your Thoughts Only About Him?
Do you spend much of your waking hours thinking about your man? Do you spend hours stalking him on social media, listening to songs that remind you of him, and trying to figure out ways to run into him?
If the answers to these questions are “yes,” then you may be experiencing something called obsessive love. Obsessive love is when one person feels an obsessive desire to possess and protect another person with an inability to accept rejection or failure.
Love is a wonderful, giving, open emotion. Obsession is a harsh, angry, destructive one.
So, if the love you feel for your man is obsession, then it’s definitely time to let go. It’s not healthy for either of you.

2. Does He Give You Mixed Messages?
Is your man alternating between hot and cold? On some days, does he seem like his loving self, and then others he is crabby and distant and no fun to be with?
Unless your man has bipolar disorder, a man who is playing up and down with his woman is a man no longer interested.
If a man wants something, particularly a woman, he will move heaven and earth to get it. If your man only wants you some days and not others, then he isn’t making any effort at all to keep you.
So, unless your man is always hot for you, let him go.
3. Does He Have Anything to Offer?
Being with a man who runs hot and cold can be very upsetting. Even worse, but harder to spot, is a man who gives you nothing.
Has your man stopped asking how you are doing? Has he stopped asking you out on dates or bringing home the groceries or including you in activities with his friends? Does he no longer listen when you talk or seem to care at all about what you think?
A man like this is a man who has nothing left to give to the woman he used to love.
Unfortunately, for many women, when they are trying to save a relationship that was once so promising, they become so obsessed with saving it that they don’t notice how little of it still exists.
They will talk more to fill in the silences left by the absence of questions. They will invite themselves along on outings they weren’t invited to. They will plan things that the two of them can do together. As a result, women don’t notice that their man has completely checked out.
So, take a moment and think about your relationship. What has your man done for you lately? If the list is short, then it’s time to let him go.
One Key to Letting Go Is the Strength You’ve Built So Far in Life

4. Does Your History Together Keep Repeating Itself?
Are you and your guy stuck in a cycle of good and bad, up and down, highs and lows? Are there days when things feel almost like they used to and then days when things are so bad that you want to cry?
Does your man tell you that he needs space and disappear only to reappear a few weeks later telling you how much he misses you?
If you find yourself in these kinds of patterns, where things are never constantly good but rather a roller coaster of emotions that is sucking you dry, then it’s time to let go.
5. Are You Afraid You’ll Never Love or Be Loved Again?
Be honest. Do you sometimes think that you just can’t let this guy go because, if you do, you will never love or be loved again?
Do you think about going back on dating apps or do you worry that you might have to attend the family or office Christmas party alone, and feel nothing but dread at the prospect?
If you are feeling this way, then it’s time to let go of your man. If you are staying with your guy because you are worried that there won’t ever be someone else, then you are staying with him for the wrong reasons.
There will be another love out there for you, but you will never find him if you’re stuck in a relationship that isn’t making you happy.

If you can let go of this one, then you will set yourself up, physically and energetically, to find that person who will love you forever.
You are probably reading this article because you suspect, deep down, that the relationship you are in isn’t the right one for you.
But it’s hard to admit this and even harder to let go. However, it is essential, for your mental health and the health of your future love life, that you pay hard attention to whether it’s time to let go of a lost love.
Is he treating you well? Is the love you feel for him healthy? Are you worried you will never love again?
Ask yourself these questions and, if the answers fit, be determined to let go of your lost love.

Want To Learn How To Pleasure Your Partner Better? Relationship Expert Dishes Foreplay Tips To Men

Relationship expert, Amara Blessing Nwosu, has lectured men on how they can pleasure their women better in bed.
In a post on her Facebook page, she shared foreplay tips to men and how they can make their women beg for more.
We’re anticipating you’re above 18 years of age otherwise, no need to go reading further.
”So I am so generous today that I want to teach men how to romance the body of a woman and get her begging for more…You didn’t hear that from me.
Some men are so terrible in foreplay that their partner finds it difficult connecting with them. Even before he undresses a lady, she can predict exactly what he will do, and guess what, he will do the same thing and at the end, give her so much pain and boredom in the name of foreplay.

Now, foreplay is the only way to arouse the senses of a woman and prepare her body for the main course meal. It’s the only way to truly connect with your woman.
First thing, find out what works for your spouse. You should keep this in mind.
During foreplay, say something, unless you are sucking her breast. Complement her beauty, her body, her breast, her nipples, everything about her.
Next, take time to tease her body. This is the best way to give a woman great anticipation for sex. Don’t grab her breast, truth is that the most important is those small dots, not the pound of flesh on her chest, use your tongue and gently lick around her nipples, and don’t suck her as she might have predicted.
Start by dry-licking other areas of her body, don’t go right down to her clitoris or start fingering immediately. As you play with the other part of her body, she will most likely try to direct you to where she wants you, but pretend like you don’t understand

When you get to her paradise, she’s expecting you to launch in, tease her some more. Use the tip of your rod and play with her clitoris. Let her beg for some more, and then gently thrust like you are now ready to make her world glow in ecstasy.
As you tease her and give her some quality foreplay, her breath and body rhythm will tell you that you are doing a good job.
And when you master this pretty well, trust me, she will always look forward to making love with you.
Now that you know, I hope you won’t disappoint me during practicals”.

Ina Garten dishes out love advice after 49 years of marriage

Everyone has a classic love story that shapes their perception of romance: You know, like Romeo and Juliet, Jack and Rose, Oprah and Stedman, Selena and Justin, Elio and Oliver, Beyonce and Jay-Z, Megan and Harry. But, for me, it’s always been Ina and Jeffrey.
She met him when she was 15, while visiting her brother at Dartmouth, and married him at 20. That's over 50 years together, and they're still this in love:

If you've ever watched Barefoot Contessa on the Food Network, you'll know what I'm talking about. When they're away from each other for even just a little while, they greet each other like they haven't seen each other for years. Since they don't always live in the same place during the week — Jeffrey works as Dean Emeritus at the Yale School of Management and Ina works on her books in East Hampton — they always call each other to check in. They even leave each other little love notes.
And as we learned by asking her for her love advice, when they are together, he wakes her up with coffee and the newspaper. She cooks for him just to bring a smile to his face.
If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.
In honor of Valentine's Day, here are Ina Garten's tips for a happy, enduring relationship:
1. You'll just know when you find "the one."
"I met Jeffrey when I was 15, and I have to say, I just knew he was the one," she told TODAY Food. "He's kind, he's smart, he's funny, and he takes very good care of me. It's wonderful."
2. Don't demand attention. Give it.
"If you take care of somebody and don't worry about what they're gonna take care of you, they will," she said. "Rather than demanding attention, by giving attention, you get attention back. It's actually simpler than you think."

3. Cooking is an amazing way to express love for someone.
"I think the best way you can express love by cooking for someone is figure out what they like — not what you like, what they like — and make it for them. And they'll feel really good."
4. All of your dishes should be your partner's favorite.
"Pretty hard to think of what favorite dish I make [for him]," said Ina. "I think every time I test a new recipe and I give it to him and he goes, 'This is the best thing I ever had.' So I can say all of them are!"
5. Little gestures go a long way.
"Jeffrey doesn't actually cook for me, but he makes coffee every morning, he gets me the newspaper, and I'm so grateful."

6. It's important to connect when you're away from each other.
"Actually, Jeffrey and I don't always live in the same place, because he's at Yale in New Haven and I'm in East Hampton working on my books," she told us. "And one thing we always do is we always connect with each other during the day. And the thing is, even though he's away, he's like this anchor in the middle of my life. Instead of making me feel kind of lost at sea, it's this big anchor in the middle of my life and it gives me enormous freedom, which is wonderful."
7. Believe the power of the 'Engagement Chicken' (or, really, just cooking for someone you love).
"I met some young women at Glamour magazine and they told me they call the roast chicken in my first book, 'The Barefoot Contessa Cookbook,' 'Engagement Chicken,' because they found that every woman in the office that made it for their boyfriend was engaged within 24 hours. I just love that. I mean, what an advertisement for roast chicken. It turns out it even worked for Meghan Markle. So I just think it's really about cooking for people you love. And you if you cook for them and take care of them, they're gonna love you back."
8. Surround yourself with people you love.
"A friend of mine once said to me, 'We've got it all wrong about love. That it's not about surrounding yourself with people that love you, it's about surrounding yourself with people that you feel love for.' And I think that's really important to keep in mind. If you take care of people and you love them, they'll show up."

9. You have to trust that your partner will show up for you.
"And the other thing that I think is really important is that, in a relationship, that each person knows that the other person, in an emergency, is gonna run toward them. And I think that's really important. Whether they need to or not, that you just know they will."
10. Comfort food really does help during a breakup.
"And sometimes, things don't work out in a relationship and you gotta go back to comfort food. And I'd say a nice turkey lasagna [will] make you feel all better."

10 Tips For Attracting More Positive Relationships

Do you feel like you're constantly drawing the wrong sorts of people? Toxic relationships are like cigarettes. People know they're bad, but they're unfortunately addictive. In order to stop them, you need to have proper respect and understanding towards yourself. These tips will help you get involved in healthier relationships.

1. Be in positive environments
A positive environment isn't difficult to determine. It's one that's inviting and makes you feel included. When we're surrounded by negativity, we can think the unpleasantness displayed by people is somehow normal. Think about whether or not the people around you are bringing positive or negative energy into your life.
2. Stop speaking negatively
People who are finding fault in everything aren't particularly pleasant to be around. If you and your friends are consistently remarking negatively, take a moment to assess why you feel this way. Strong relationships are about cherishing what's good in life, not decrying what could be better.
3. Support yourself
It's easier to be drawn into toxic relationships if you have a negative view of yourself. Make a point of building yourself up, not tearing yourself down. Take time every day to express gratitude for who you are and all that you contribute to the world.

4. Don't dwell
It can be tempting to stay in the past. While you can certainly learn some valuable lessons from past experiences, you need to stay in the present. If you are thinking about something that you can't change, remind yourself to focus on making your future better.
5. Believe in yourself While it might sound corny, believing in yourself is crucial for bringing positivity into your life. If you're able to think highly of yourself and trust your judgments, there's hardly any limit to your potential.

6. Learn to say no
It might seem like saying "yes" to everything will make you more popular. After all, who doesn't want to be seen as agreeable? However, doing so can just make you a doormat for people who know how to take advantage. "No" is a short and simple response to avoid something that makes you uncomfortable, and you don't need to explain it.
7. Enjoy the moment
Don't wait for the good times. Let the good times reveal themselves whenever possible. People find themselves dissatisfied because they have a preconceived notion of what happiness is supposed to be. Happiness in life means finding splendor in the minutiae. When you're around positive people, you can learn to appreciate people for who they are.
8. Get rid of stress
Getting rid of stress might seem impossible, but it's way easier than letting stress continue. To eliminate a stressor, you need to do something about it. The first step won't necessarily solve it, but it will definitely help you to get on the right track. When you know how to stop stress early, you can draw in more positive people.

9. Practice mindfulness
To be mindful, you need to embrace the moment as it is. You don't need to love everything that happens, but you do need to try to see the good in any moment. By practicing mindfulness on a regular basis, you can be an absolute joy to be around.
10. Be happy with what you have
Don't be itching for material goods or a lifestyle that you don't have. Even if these are attainable, they're not going to give you any long-term satisfaction. To truly appreciate life and have strong relationships, you need to learn to appreciate what you have now. There's no sense in resenting your circumstances. Instead, you should learn to find the good in them. Otherwise, your life is just going to be unsatisfying.
A great life is fostered through great relationships. We hope that these tips help you with strengthening your relationships. We invite you to comment on your experiences with finding better relationships. Show this to anyone you know who would benefit from these tips.

20 Relationship Tips From A Divorced Man Who Knows Where It Went Wrong

In an age when nearly half of all marriages are expected to fail, it’s important to take relationship advice seriously. But who do you source it from? Magazines rarely dish more than “20 ways to blow his mind in bed,” and romantic comedies only cater to audiences searching for their “Happily Ever After.”
What if we told you that the best marriage advice we’ve ever come across was shared by a divorced man? It sounds counter-intuitive, but we dare you to read on…
The day after finalizing his divorce, author and motivational speaker Gerald Rogers sat down at his computer and began to compile his thoughts. After typing up a heartfelt essay, he uploaded it to Facebook along with a photograph of his wedding day. As The Hearty Soul reports, the beautiful post highlights the many things Gerald learned about keeping a marriage healthy and happy.
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.
2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.
5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.
6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.
7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8) Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.
9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.
11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.
12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.
13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.
14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)
15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.
16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.
17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.
18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.
19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.
20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.
In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.
Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.
These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.
But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.
If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.
The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.
If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.
MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.
Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.”