How to fix a boring relationship, according to Dr. Ruth

Dr. Ruth has interviewed thousands of people about their sex lives — and she's found the biggest threat to a relationship happens outside the bedroom  

• Dr. Ruth Westheimer is a psychosexual therapist. She's found boredom — inside and outside the bedroom — is the biggest threat to a romantic relationship. 
• Before you give up on a boring relationship, Westheimer says you should try making your own life more exciting.  
• Other experts recommend trying new things with your partner as a way to combat boredom.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer separated from her second husband when their daughter was one year old.

In her 2015 memoir, "The Doctor Is In: Dr. Ruth on Love, Life, and Joie de Vivre," she explains what happened: "What we'd had was a great love affair, but there wasn't enough of a connection to sustain a marriage that would last a lifetime. One of the missing ingredients was intellectual stimulation."

Westheimer — better known simply as Dr. Ruth — is arguably the world's most famous sex therapist. At 89 years old, she's heard from thousands of people about their most pressing sex and relationship issues. Over time, she's learned that the biggest danger to a romantic relationship is boredom — and not just in the bedroom.

In "The Doctor Is In," Westheimer writes:

"I often speak about sexual boredom, and it's certainly a topic that magazines like Cosmo address regularly, but in my opinion, sexual boredom is only a minor aspect to a couple's not having a satisfying sex life. Intellectual boredom with each other is a much bigger culprit."

Westheimer tweets frequently about the hazards of a boring relationship. From February 2012: "Boredom affects not just your sexual relationship but your entire relationship. Seek out ways to push boredom out of your life." Boredom isn't necessarily the death knell for a relationship

Interestingly, other experts say boredom may not be an inherently negative experience. Elizabeth Bernstein at The Wall Street Journal reported that boredom can be a sign that you need to make a change in your relationship.
One therapist told The Journal that it's important to identify when and where you feel bored. Then talk to your partner about the situation — but instead of using the word "bored" or placing blame, suggest a new joint activity.
Indeed, research suggests that couples who try new things together are more satisfied with their relationships.

Westheimer concludes "The Doctor Is In" by answering questions she received from the audience at a production of "Becoming Dr. Ruth," a play based on her life. In response to a question about the biggest danger to a relationship, Westheimer responds (you guessed it): boredom.

She writes:

"The first step to fighting boredom is to recognize it. One clue is that you're always tired even though there's no particular cause, like a baby who wakes you five times a night or financial worries that keep you from falling asleep. The reason that you are tired is that there's nothing about your life that makes you excited."

Perhaps surprisingly, Westheimer recommends spicing up your own life as a way to combat relationship boredom: Visit the theater, join a book club, take an online course. "By investing in yourself in all these ways, you'll find that the fog of boredom will lift and the bright light of joie de vivre will being to light your life."

She caveats that if none of this is helping, you should seek professional guidance. And if Westheimer's experience in her second marriage is any indication, sometimes you may have to end the relationship.
The takeaway here is that, if you're on the fence about whether to stay in a boring relationship, you should exhaust all reasonable possibilities before giving up.

Here's Westheimer in "The Doctor Is In" again: "Joie de vivre isn't just a phrase that you sprinkle on your life now and then. It's an attitude that should permeate your every waking hour. It takes a little effort but let me assure you, the rewards are well worth it.

3 Signs Of Bad Communication In A Relationship & How To Fix It

I have a fancy, expensive degree in communications from New York University, so communicating with an SO should be as natural as breathing for me, right? Try again. While I did learn how to effectively express myself through concise language and understand the nuances of the unspoken (i.e. body language), that can all get Mojito-level muddled once feelings are involved. I've experienced my fair share of miscommunications that can be held almost entirely accountable for relationship downfalls. But what are the signs of bad communication in a relationship, and how do you fix it?

"Whether you've been on one date, dating for one week, one month, or one year, there will always be new things to learn about each other and learn to navigate together," says Lori Salkin, SawYouatSinai.com Senior Matchmaker and Dating Coach. "Having open and honest communication is the only way to truly succeed in a relationship."
As humans, we are constantly communicating, whether verbally or nonverbally, intentionally or unintentionally. Communication is simply the process by which information is exchanged. So being conscious of what info you're sharing and how you interpret the info your parter is sharing is crucial to how we learn — together. Of course, there is room for error (like, a lot of err). Here are the three key ways in which bad communication manifests and how to stop it from happening.

1. An Unwillingness To Be Open-Minded

You might not like to admit it, but even the best of us are at least a little set in our ways (which is the nice way to say stubborn). A lot of people think that compromise is a huge factor in successful relationships, and it is... but you cannot arrive at true compromise without first approaching your partner with an open mind.
"In every relationship, especially in the beginning, you are strangers coming from different places and will always have different opinions," says Salkin. "No two people are perfectly alike and every relationship takes compromise and a willingness to be open-minded." She continues that maintaining an open mind and honest communication allows couples to "[validate] each other's differences of opinions, and offer ... [a] willingness to communicate and agree to disagree to build a healthy relationship."

Expert Tip: Salkin advises that couples should avoid planning too far into the future (i.e. the five-year plan). The unpredictability of life makes it impossible to account for where you will go (both physically and mentally), how you will grow, or even who your kids will be.

2. You're Not Fighting (And Making Up)

It might seem counterintuitive to say not fighting is a sign of relationship doom, but according to Salkin, "good communication includes fighting and making up." As intellectual beings, humans are prone to clash with one another. In other words, no one (or couple) is perfect; disagreements come along with the roller coaster that is life. The good news? "It is the way in which [a couple] handles the disagreements that can enable a couple to succeed or break up," says Salkin.

Expert Tip: Salkin stresses the importance of having "realistic expectations about how people change and the curveballs life throws you." If you can do that, you'll have smooth makeups. And my tip? It doesn't take an expert to state the obvious here. Makeups = makeup sex. Jussayin'.

3. Issues Arise During The Times You're Not Together

The other day the guy I'm currently seeing went out to surf and then texted me that he would be back later than he expected. Sweet baby Jesus, thank you for this man.

"Communication issues often arise in the time between being together," Salkin explains. "It is very hard to sit and wait and have no idea when you will hear from your significant other." When you don't keep someone you love in the loop about your life, it starts entering the territory of disrespecting another person's time, which is just not cool. Technology might be starting to hinder humanity (case in point: every episode of Black Mirror), but with Salkin's advice, you can use it to benefit your relationship.

Expert Tip: As Salkin says, "A little ... goes a long way." "Send frequent messages, even if they only say 'still here' or 'things are still hectic,'" she continues. "Updates go a very long way in softening the frustration." Showing some effort between dates by checking in over text and the phone majorly steps up your communication game. Plus, it'll likely make your partner feel pretty special.

Of course, communication issues outside of these three factors, like a total lack thereof, might lead to a bigger struggle. In that case, it might be time to seriously check in with your SO on why that's happening. It might sound obvious, but put down your phones and do some activities together. Salkin makes a great point that not every date has to be talk, talk, talk, but instead, share experiences, and it's likely you'll find you have a lot more to talk about.

She concludes, "If the other person is not receptive to sharing reality with you, then it is unlikely to be a sustainable relationship."

How to Fix a Clingy Relationship

Are you clingy? Or, is your spouse or partner too demanding?

The wierd thing is that you were fine before this relationship. But, now you find yourself demanding his attention. Or you find yourself paranoid about what she's up to. You don't get it, but it's ruining everything.

To understand what's happening, let's examine the power of intimacy.

The Power of Intimacy: The world of physics teaches us a lot about relationships; it’s called The Field of Intimacy. When inside the field, all the rules of behavior change. Imagine when a rock traveling in space enters Earth’s gravitational field. The rock changes course and becomes a meteor – hurtling to oblivion.

When The Field of Intimacy works in your favor, the pull of a relationship can be enchanting. And when it triggers neurotic symptoms, it can hurt like hell. Once in the field’s grasp, you may ask yourself: Why is he so controlling? Or, why is she so angry?

Or, today’ question: Why Am I So Needy?

The Scene: Tammy heard from her boyfriend, Rory about thirty minutes ago. That’s about twenty five minutes too long, as Tammy sees it. She begins to get nervous, no agitated. Should I text? Why isn’t Rory getting back to me?

Tammy texts him again, not so subtly: WHERE ARE YOU?

No response.

A few minutes later, Rory’s back: What’s the problem?

Tammy: Why are you NEVER available?

Rory: THAT’S NOT TRUE.

Tammy responds: You're so selfish.

Rory answers: I can’t deal with this right now.

GOODBYE.

 Not good. Here's the question. Why is Tammy so needy?

And, why is Rory fed up?

Tammy’s Story: After graduating college Tami, age 25, has enjoyed a nice career. She writes for a well known blog and is respected, even by senior staff. Pretty and quick, Tammy has dated easily. Rory is a guy she really likes, which makes her neediness all the more annoying. She just can’t help it.

Tammy grew up in the suburbs, with a mom and dad, plus three younger siblings – all boys. Growing up, her mom dedicated herself to a great life for her kids, with endless driving, sporting events and performances. Dad, on the other hand, wasn’t around much. He ran a great business, and got most of his gratification from LEAVING home. Unfortunately for Tammy, Dad was narcissistic and not all that interested in her, despite her success. As ridiculous as it may sound, Tammy still hopes that one day Dad will marvel in her success.

She may not be consciously aware of it, but Tammy’s drive to succeed is colored by her father’s lack of true interest. And, her love interests are affected as well.

She wants guys who acknowledge her achievements. But often chooses guys who couldn’t care less. Tammy is in a neediness trap.  

Rory’s Story: Life was tougher for Rory growing up. He had burdens, and in his case it was his mom who had the narcissistic tendencies, always needing to be right and in control. When Rory was three years old, his Dad got out of the house and eventually started a new family. Rory kept contact, but lived 98% of the time with his mom and older sister.

Mom was annoying. She insisted on things her way, and never said she was sorry. Control was essential, and since she was left, Rory’s Mom insisted that she was a victim in life. Since Rory was no weakling, they battled incessantly. Dad was of little help.

In essence, Rory had to raise himself.

College was a blessing for Rory, who was happy to pay for much of it himself; anything to get out of the house. He emerged bright, independent, capable and suspicious of women. At 31 Rory’s on his was to partner in a prestigious accounting firm. Since college, he keeps his distance from women, preferring a long line of non committed flings. He’s not even sure he wants to get married one day.

The Field of Intimacy: If ever there was a crazy wonderful fling, then Tammy and Rory certainly had it; pure fireworks. Type A meets Type A for an intense love affair . Tammy loves - and respects – this self sufficient and capable older man. She finds herself wanting more and more of him. They can talk about anything, business, politics, and life. This is the brilliant, successful man of her dreams. When Tammy has sex with Rory, she feels both excited and invulnerable; it’s the time of her life.

For Rory, this young woman is the hottest girl he’s ever been with. And, it’s not just the looks. It’s the way she holds herself, her intelligence and class. She’s something else; professional, worldly and beautiful. He finds himself spending increasingly more time with her; and texting a lot.

It’s great for a few months; pure bliss. They are in The Field of Intimacy, where the world operates by different rules. Everyday is infused by the playfulness and magic of being in a love relationship. It’s what most people want.

The Field of Intimacy sucks them in. And after a few months of happiness, some old neurotic worries force their way to the surface. And, it’s not pretty.

 Tammy notices when Rory is not immediately available. A call missed; or an unanswered text message triggers rejection fears. She finds herself wondering who Rory sees and what he’s doing. Tammy feels crazy; indeed, she’s crazed. She begins to get clingy and demanding. It’s not her, but Tammy can’t help it.

On Rory’s side, he needs a little distance. He’s crazy about Tammy, but it feels suffocating. He’s out of touch with some good friends and now catches up, at the expense of time with Tammy. And, despite his best intentions, Rory just can’t answer all the calls and texts – he’ll do it later. He begins to get annoyed (like he did with his Mom). What’s wrong with Tammy? Where did all these demands come from?

From the Couch: This is Phase Two of a love affair. Phase One is falling in love and entering the Field of Intimacy. Phase Two is when unconscious issues force their way to the surface. It’s a test; this couple need not lose their fabulous love affair.

Once a couple enters the Field of Intimacy, psychological dances like this are the norm.

This love affair triggers Tammy’s inner child. Her father was more interested in other people – anyone out of the house – and now Tammy’s back where she was at nine years old. Her Dad ignored her – and she experiences Rory the same way. She’s clingy and can’t stop it. It’s as if her adult mind has been overrun by events that happened years ago. Rory is no longer her boyfriend, he’s now the unavailable narcissist – and Tammy is left out in the cold.

On the other hand, Rory’s been activated. He too is back in his family of origin; with his narcissistically demanding mother. He distances by calling on friends. Rory avoids Tammy’s texts and he rages at her when it’s too much. Note that Rory may look healthier than Tammy, but he too has issues. His compulsive need to escape triggers Tammy and her demand for contact triggers Rory.

They’re both trapped; and it doesn’t have to be this way.  

The Layers of Love: What you need to understand is that in intimacy, each person brings something different to the table; and the Field of Intimacy percolates it all to the surface. You may not like it, but a parental bond (or lack thereof) can affect intimacy. Like Tammy and Rory; it can happen to anyone.

Early love is great – enjoy it: This is a special time together. It’s all positive. But, take a moment to explore your past with each other. It may come in handy when Phase Two kicks in.

Learn from old relationships: Without doubt, you’ve learned a great deal about yourself from former relationships. Do you tend to run, or get clingy? Or, do you pick fights or compulsively withdraw? Perhaps, you just bore easily? My advice: take control of past triggers; and give your boyfriend or girlfriend a fighting chance. Therapy can help a lot.

Keep things in perspective: Once in The Field of Intimacy, you’re likely to be vulnerable to triggers. You may get really hurt or really angry. It goes with the territory. So, don’t get crazy over one bad day. Try again. Forgive. Let go. Often, it’s just some random regression; and it’s really not that important.

Intimacy needs many roles: Sometimes he’ll be needy. Sometimes you’ll be distancing, and sometimes you can’t get enough of each other. Relationships are fluid – accept and work with the love you’ve got. Good relationships carry many roles.

Who doesn’t want love?

Just know that like Tammy and Rory, the intensity of love brings you into the Field of Intimacy, with fantastic opportunities and real dangers. The opportunity is the wonder of love; the danger is the misery of a neurotic relationship.

Being this needy is not good for Tammy. Being this unforgiving is not good for Rory.  

Take Home Message: If you want to succeed, keep your relationship in perspective. Phase One will yield to Phase Two, and one or both of you will regress. It’s almost inevitable. Just don’t get stuck there. Worst case scenario: you find yourself in a neurotic bond and break up. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be?

Look to Phase Three, where you weather the storm only to feel closer to each other.

Here’s the thing, get curious about who you are; and who he is. Get to know what triggers each of you and why. Let your adult selves keep the angry or hurt inner child in place. Tammy tells him; oops…I’m getting demanding again. Sorry. Rory tells her, no worries, I’m no saint. It's okay.

They laugh it off as a stupid little moment.

It sounds simple. But, you know it isn’t.

Yet, wonderful, luscious love is worth fighting for.

How To Fix A Codependent Relationship, According To An Expert

It's easy to think that being in a codependent relationship means you that you spend too much time together or start to dress the same, but that's not really what codependency is about.

"Codependency has become a buzzword, and people sometimes misunderstand what it means to be codependent. It is important to remember that in a healthy relationship, it is absolutely OK to depend on your partner," Holly Daniels, PhD, LMFT, clinical systems director at Sober College, tells Bustle. "... In some relationships, however, one or both partners value the relationship much more than they value their own health and well-being. This is called codependence."

So it's more about putting the relationship above yourself — the need to protect the relationship at all costs, and getting anxious at the idea of it ending. Now, if that sounds like you, don't feel bad about it — it's actually something experts say is often related to our childhoods.

"Codependence isn’t something you just fall into — it is a dynamic that stems from insecure attachment — a pattern of relating that is formed early in our lives," Daniels says. If you had an unhealthy relationship with one or both parents, it may be the cause of your codependence now. So don't feel badly about it, just work to get past it. Here's what you need to keep in mind if you think you're in a codependent relationship.  

The Most Important Thing To Do Is Talk To Your Partner About It

If you realize that your relationship is codependent, it's important to be honest about it. "Both partners in a codependent relationship are most likely struggling with insecure attachment issues that will keep them from forming and sustaining healthy, happy long-term relationships," Daniels says. "So, if you find yourself in a codependent relationship, the most important thing to do is talk to your partner about it! Set aside a time to talk away from distractions, and open up a dialogue about your concerns. If your partner gets super defensive or avoids having the conversation at all, this is a sign that you are indeed in a codependent relationship. Having an honest, open conversation about the state of your relationship may feel threatening for both of you, but the potential for growth and healing is tremendous if the two of you can sit with the discomfort and have a heart-to-heart talk. The goal is to come up with strategies for each of you to practice feeling secure in the relationship, while also strengthening your independence outside of the relationship."

Consider Professional Help

Don't be afraid to seek professional help either. Chances are, you're going to be opening up what might be some very deep wounds and looking at engrained habits, so you might need a third party to help. "Often, the discomfort for one or both partners is so intense that this kind of conversation needs to be had with a non-partial couple’s counselor or therapist," Daniels says. "Having a third-party who is trained to reduce the tension and help you both communicate openly and honestly can be very helpful." It can help make the conversation more measured and also give you some objective advice from someone not invested in the relationship. Codependency can make it difficult to see the forest for the trees.  

Move On If You Have To

That being said, some people just won't be willing to confront or move on from their codependency — it's just too much of a safety net for them. If that's the case, you need to put yourself first. "Sometimes you’ll find yourself with a partner that refuses to have an open conversation in any setting," Daniels says. "In that case, you might have to cut your losses and move on. I strongly encourage you, however, to talk with a therapist on your own to help yourself work through the issues that made you prone to engaging in a co-dependent relationship in the first place. Humans are destined to repeat their relationship patterns until they can work through and heal their underlying attachment issues." Dealing with a codependent relationship isn't easy — but knowing that you're in one is the first step. If you're willing to look at your own issues around attachment and work on your relationship, it can put you on track for a much healthier future — whether it's with your current partner or someone new.

7 Signs That You’re In A Competitive Relationship And How To Fix It

To some people, having competitive bouts in relationships can be seen as a trivial quirk that can be laughed about. And for the most part, that’s true. It’s funny whenever couples try to outdo one another with their wit as far as little games and intellectual sparring matches are concerned. Maybe a little competition to start getting fitter or to start learning new skills might even add some spice to the romance. A little competition in the relationship doesn’t have to be so destructive. But it gets to a point where competition in a relationship could potentially breed a very toxic and destructive environment.

At the end of the day, the best couples should always be acting like a team. They are the ones who understand that life has plenty of challenges that are in store for them. And they understand that they need to be devoting all of their competitive energy outward instead of a inward with their relationships. They can’t possibly allow themselves to be focusing their competitive energy on each other because that could spark potential bitterness between the two of them. When there is minimal competitiveness between two people in a relationship, then that creates an atmosphere of lightness and happiness.

Yes, adding some competitive fire into a relationship can be a great way to just mix things up. It can add a little zest to a relationship that could potentially be susceptible to predictability. But as with all other things in life, it’s always best to treat competitiveness in a relationship with moderation. Too much of it, and you risk losing one another in the process. You risk putting yourselves in a position where no one wins. And since there are just some people who are inherently competitive by nature, it can be difficult to spot the signs of an overly competitive relationship.
That’s why it’s integral that couples are able to maintain a sense of self-awareness with regards to how they conduct themselves especially when they’re together. You always have to be aware of your actions and how they are impacting your partner and your relationship. If you want to save your relationship from being one that could eventually be destroyed by a surplus of competitiveness, then you have to be wary of the red flags.

Here are 7 signs that you’re in a competitive relationship followed by the solution to fixing it.

 1. Your fights feel like sporting events that you need to win.
You are always fighting and you approach these fights like sporting events. It’s more important for you to win than it is to actually listen to each other.

 2. You never give each other the whole picture.
You don’t want to give your partner any edge that they might be able to use against you and so you regularly practice dishonesty with one another.  

3. You each find it difficult to be happy for the successes of the other. You genuinely don’t like it whenever your partner succeeds. You get jealous and you immediately feel insecure about the spotlight being taken away from you in the relationship.

 4. You rarely ever come to a compromise on anything. You don’t like to compromise. It would be more important for the both of you to stand your ground than to just meet halfway.  

5. You still try to make one another jealous.
Instead of just being happy for one another whenever the other succeeds, you try to find ways to make the other jealous. Whether it be through career goals or otherwise, you will try to outdo one another whenever you can.

6. You demean and belittle each other.
You are threatened by each other’s ego and so you grab at any opportunity to shoot the other one’s confidence levels down a notch.  

7. You are liberal in your use of ultimatums with each other.
You are constantly trying to force the other to bend. And you are so stubborn to the point that you would willingly throw ultimatums in the way of your partner to get them to agree with you. Ultimatums just kill the communication and connection in a relationship.  

The solution:
It’s all a matter of communication. At the end of the day, the only way that the two of you could ever get over your competitive nature with each other is if you just improve your communication habits. When you are constantly communicating with each other, and if you are genuinely listening to one another, then you really learn to empathize with your partner. You will be able to see things from your partner’s perspective a little more clearly. You will understand each other better. And once you start to discover that you’re both on the same team; that you’re both essentially trying to get through this life together, then you will stop feeling that compulsion to outdo one another. You will no longer start to feel that deep desire to compete with each other. It will no longer be a me vs you kind of situation. But instead, it turns into an us against the world kind of relationship; and those are always the best kinds.

One Thing You Have to Know for Great Communication in Marriage

She looked across the room at me with a combination of horror and anxiety which, frankly, seemed like an overreaction. After all, we had been married for three months and all I said was, “Let’s move to St. Petersburg, Russia.”

That sounds fun, doesn’t it? Why all the fuss? And, why is she so negative about my ideas?
Oh, I don’t know . . . how about food, shelter, and money for starters?

She’s such a planner, always hung up on the minor details.

Lisa spent the next day with her anxiety meter in the red zone, stewing over the Dollar- to-Ruble conversion rate, which clothes she should pack, and what raising children in Russia would be like.
Me? I never gave it another thought because I would never move us to Russia without a purpose and a plan. It’s an interesting idea, though, don’t you think?

So, we’re not moving to St. Petersburg?

Of course, not!

 Communication . . . it’s a funny thing because it always involves three things:

1) What you said
2) What you thought you said
3) What the other person heard you say

Who needs a game of telephone to bring confusion and misunderstanding (without the humor!) to marriage?

We laugh about it now but it wasn’t funny then. Exile in Russia and about a thousand other ideas struck fear into Lisa’s heart in those early years – not to mention frustration in mine because of her negative responses. We may as well have been speaking Russian to each other.

So, what was happening in our interaction? What is happening in yours? Does the Cold War get revived in your home from time to time?

 “Communication styles have a major impact on what we think our spouse is saying.”

Communication styles have a major impact on what we think our spouse is saying. Hearing someone based on one’s own communication style rather than on theirs is bound to lead to trouble.

If Lisa were to say, “Let’s move to Russia,” it would be at the end of her thought/evaluation process, after all the details and contingencies were considered. When I say something similar, I’m floating an idea . . . processing out loud . . . seeing where the conversation will take us. It’s the same process for us both, it’s just that I’m on the front end and she’s on the back end.

Now that Lisa understands this about me, she doesn’t have to be instantly defensive in order to protect herself from random sea changes. Now that I understand her style, I am more careful (a little more careful!) not to drop idea “bombs” in the middle of her well-planned afternoon.

What’s your spouse’s communication style?

Taking the time to understand your spouse’s communication style and listening to her (or to Him!) based on what you know about the way she/he interacts will have a profound impact on your understanding of each other and bring a measure of peace the next time the visionary in your relationship suggests hitching a ride on the next shuttle to the International Space Station for the weekend.

16 questions to ask your partner before you commit to the relationship

It's great to be unconditional in love, but not stupid. Here are some questions you must ask your partner and a few you must ask yourself before you commit to them forever.
Not everything comes with lifetime guarantee. Especially relationships. As much as two people might be in love, life happens. And then it isn't just love, but practical stuff that determines how your days, weeks, and years with your partner turn out. In order to save yourself from a series of heartbreaks, here are 15 conversations to have and questions to ask your partner.

1. Did you think of marriage/commitment before you met me?
 
This might not be a romantic thing to ask soon after or before a proposal, but this question will help you get a deeper insight into their beliefs about marriage. Did they always think marriage wasn't for them and then you came along? Watch out. As romantic as it might seem, their core beliefs might crop up years later.  

2. Do you plan to have kids? What are your thoughts about it?
 
Do you like kids? Have you thought about having one or few yourself? If so, how would you like to raise them? Would you consider co-parenting as the only way through?  

3. How do you like to spend your money?
  
Do you have any loan that I should be aware of? Do you have a habit of saving? Where would you like to spend most of your money? Would you consider co-saving or do you prefer individual accounts forever?

4. Is there an ex you are still friends with and what role do they play in your life?
 
This is a big one. If your partner hasn't said much about their past relationships, it's to broach the subject with lighter questions about "what did you learn from your past relationships?" This will get them to talk without getting defensive. If there is an ex who is still in touch, be honest about your own comfort level and express this to your partner.

5. Is there any subject that you are very sensitive about?

This can save you from many arguments that are triggered by accidental remarks. If your partner is super sensitive about their physical abilities (to move things around, trek up, energy level), even a small comment like "God, I should have hired a professional to get the stuff moved" will make them feel criticized.

6. How do you feel about your parents' marriage/relationship?

Whether you like it or not, our parents' relationship has a huge influence on our lives. Your partner's core beliefs about companionship, intimacy, attachment style, honesty, mode of communication etc. are likely to be impacted by what he/she grew up watching as a kid. By understanding how they feel about this will make a lot of their behavior and defense mechanisms more understandable.  

7. What're your worst fears when it comes to marriage/long-term relationship?

Do they fear feeling lonely? Does the thought of lifelong commitment scare them? Is their worst fear being cheated on or losing you to someone else? All these things say a lot about their unconscious fears and worries.

8. What do you consider as cheating?

Is it just sex that they consider as cheating? What about flirting? What about emotional infidelity? What about talking about you secrets with another friend? Is it okay to be too close to one of your friends even if they share nothing but a good rapport? How comfortable are you with it?  

9. How do you feel about religion?

While this is something you are likely to have figured by the time it comes to a proposal, it is important to know values that are intrinsic to them. Do they have staunch beliefs about creation and life? You might be okay with that. But if this reflects on how they want to parent their kids, you need to consider how compatible this is with your own beliefs.  

10. What's your dealbreaker?

What is something that can break the relationship beyond repair? Ask yourself this before you ask your partner. Is it cheating? If so, of what kind? What about not being there for the other in terms of need, lying, breaking promises?  

11. Are we sexually compatible?

This is a biggie. Most couples assume that things will get in sync once they move in or get married. But if one person has a big appetite for sex and the other has low libido, talking about it before it gets too late is important.  

12. How would you like a regular weekend to be?

You both might be loving every moment you spend together. This might make you do things you might not otherwise enjoy. But if you are a home bird and your partner likes to let his/her party animal have a wild night every weekend, then your daily routine might involve a lot of arguments.  

13. What are your views on alcohol and drugs?

Many marriages and relationships that break due to substance abuse often have symptoms that were missed on during the early stage. When you ask this question, you attack any potential issues even before it begins to ruin both of your lives.

15. Will he/she be open to talk and listen even when we don't agree about something?

No two people will agree with each other at all times. There will be differences, disagreements, assumptions, biases, and annoying defense mechanisms at play. The only thing that will get you through all of these is your and your partner's willingness to listen and share without judgment.

 16. Can I trust her/him with my feelings?

Can you trust your partner to understand that all feelings are natural and acceptable? Can they respect what you feel without ridiculing or reducing them by calling them as silly, too intense, dramatic, or "neurotic." Do you feel comfortable when you share your vulnerabilities and insecurities?

And finally, ask yourself this: Do I see myself growing as an individual besides her/him? Do they add to who I am or will I feel drained of my natural confidence, talent, time, energy, and resources?

Barack Obama’s Three Key Questions For Lasting, Healthy Relationships

Whether or not you believe in “The One”, one thing’s for sure – Barack and Michelle Obama are probably as close to it as you can get. People have long admired their relationship and luckily we’re getting a taste of what it takes to have a relationship like Barack and Michelle, courtesy of Barack’s former Communications Director Dan Pfeiffer. In his new book, Yes We (Still) Can, Pfeiffer reveals the invaluable relationship advice he received from the former president.

How Barack Obama Found “The One”

Barack and Michelle Obama’s love story began in the summer of 1988, when a then 28-year-old Barack and Michelle, who was 25 at the time, met at the law firm Sidley Austin LLP. Michelle was assigned to be Barack’s mentor at the law firm, but a month into them working together, he decided to ask her out. Michelle wasn’t keen on the idea at first but she eventually relented and their first date consisted of lunch at the Art Institute of Chicago and then seeing the Spike Lee film “Do The Right Thing.”
Barack and Michelle were married on October 3, 1992 and Michelle noted that his heartfelt vows were a glimpse at what was to come in their marriage. They went on to have two daughters in 1998 and 2001 respectively, and, as we all know, Barack was elected to the presidency in 2008. Their marriage has survived the toughest job anyone can have and they’ve become a source of inspiration for many couples.

The Key To Healthy Relationships – Three Questions Everyone Should Ask About Their Spouse

Pfeiffer had Obama’s wisdom imparted to him after he revealed that he planned to move in with his then-girlfriend on his last day at the White House back in 2015. Obama responded to the news by revealing that he gives the same advice to everyone about marriage and that it’s important to ask yourself three specific questions about your potential spouse.
The first imperative question that should be asked according to Obama is “Is she someone you find interesting?” (1). He told Pfeiffer that, “You will spend more time with this person than anyone else for the rest of your life, and there is nothing more important than always wanting to hear what she has to say about things.” Couldn’t have said it better myself, thanks, Obama!
The second question Obama asked Pfeiffer is “Does she make you laugh?”. This question doesn’t require much explanation, having a partner you can laugh with makes the relationship and life in general much more enjoyable.
The last crucial relationship question Obama asked Pfeiffer was “I don’t know if you want kids, but if you do, do you think she will be a good mom?”. Obama then went on to explain that, “Life is long. These are the things that really matter over the long term.” Obama was definitely on to something!

The Proof Is In the Pudding

Pfieffer answered yes to all these questions and married his girlfriend Howli Ledbetter in October 2016. The Obama’s celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary in October 2017 and there’s no doubting that this couple’s view on marriage is something to take note of.

7 Questions That Can Strengthen Your Relationship

Don't know what your partner wants from you? Maybe it's time you found out.
One of the biggest mistakes we can make in a relationship is not asking enough of the right questions. By asking the right questions, you can discover what your partner needs and wants from you and your time together.

Here are a few to try:

 “What can I help you with right now?”
If you find yourself with some time on your hands, why not offer those minutes to your mate as a loving gesture. Most of us have too much on our plates, and an extra pair of hands can make a big difference in getting things done. Plus, doing things together can be bonding.  

“How can I show you I love you?”
Most couples are good at saying those three little words, but actions speak even louder. Perhaps your loved one will want a kiss or some help in the garden. Whatever his or her request, your offer to display your love will make your partner feel cherished.  

“Is there one ‘little’ thing about me that you would like me to change?”
Yes, this can spark a serious (and tricky) conversation, but by emphasizing the word little, you can lighten it up significantly. Sometimes we unconsciously do things that make our partner uncomfortable, but it’s not quite annoying enough for them to tell us. By asking this question, you can stop a little annoyance from becoming a big issue.  

“Is there someplace special that you would like to go?”
You may not be in a position to fly to Paris, but it’s nice to give the one you love the gift of picking somewhere, even relatively nearby, that he or she would like to go with you. You can also make plans for a grander vacation if the mood (and budget) strikes you. It’s a great way to have something to look forward to, which fosters happiness.  

“What is it about our life together that makes you happy?”
This question will cause your lover to think about all the things he or she enjoys about your relationship. Just talking about the joys will make the two of you feel closer and add more depth to your connection.  

“Is there anything I can do to make you feel more loved?”
This tender question may render your partner speechless, at least for a moment. But even if you have a great relationship, your mate can surely think of something that can make your love even stronger.  

“What’s something you’d like to do together that we have never done before?”
This can open up some ideas to excite both of you. You can play around with different ideas until you come up with a couple that really captivate you. Remember, doing new things with your partner will make you feel closer.
When we get caught up in daily activities, even couples with excellent communication skills can forget to ask a partner what he or she needs or wants. If you can get better at asking the right questions, your relationship will be better for it.

The Therapy Relationship in Psychodynamic Therapy versus CBT

Our earliest attachments form the templates for our subsequent relationships. As a result, we repeat patterns in our relationships throughout our lives. Because they are present from the beginning, these patterns may be as invisible to us as water to a fish. Yet they shape our destinies.
Therapy is a relationship, and patients bring their templates and patterns into it. As therapists, we enter the gravitational field of patients’ problematic relationship patterns, experiencing and participating in them. Through recognizing our own unavoidable participation in these patterns, we can help our patients understand and rework them.
This is therapy that changes lives. This is the heart of psychodynamic therapy.
Caroline, a woman in her late thirties, is elegant, educated, successful. She carries herself with a regal bearing and looks and dresses like a Vogue model. She is pursued by the kind of men most women only fantasize about. Yet she is lonely. She has been unable to keep an intimate relationship and she suffers from bouts of depression.
Caroline has attempted therapy several times. She says, unhappily, that it has never really changed anything, and the therapists always end up wanting her approval.

Colleagues trained in CBT and other “evidence-based” therapies rarely attach much significance to Caroline’s comment about her past therapy relationships. Some venture that Caroline may need a “secure” therapist who won’t be intimidated by her looks or status.
From a psychodynamic perspective, it is irrelevant whether Caroline’s therapist is personally secure or insecure. She doesn’t need a secure therapist. She needs a therapist with the self-awareness and courage to notice that twinge of insecurity in Caroline’s presence, treat it as information, and use it in the service of understanding.
Such a therapist might say: “You know, you have come here for my help and yet in many of our interactions, I am aware of a vague feeling of wanting to impress you or gain your approval, which of course doesn’t help you at all. I’m trying to figure out what it means, and whether it could be a window into understanding something about what happens in your relationships more generally. Perhaps this is something that feels familiar to you.”
And there, real therapy may begin.
Caroline could not have described what went wrong in her relationships: The things she did to try to draw people closer were the very things that precluded real connection and intimacy. Women were envious or deferential. Men viewed her as a conquest, or out of their league. Either way, intimate connection was impossible.
Caroline couldn’t tell her therapist this; she showed him. What the patient does in the room with the therapist reveals lifelong relationship patterns. And in the therapy relationship, these patterns can be recognized, understood, and reworked.

This is central to psychodynamic therapy and notably absent from other therapies.
A prominent CBT author and thought leader wrote an article about myths and realities of CBT. One myth, according to the author, is that CBT downplays the therapy relationship. To show this is not so, the author explained that CBT therapists “do many things to build a strong alliance. For example, they work collaboratively with clients… ask for feedback… and conduct themselves as genuine, warm, empathic, interested, caring human beings.”
I expect that much from my hair stylist or real estate broker. From a psychotherapist, I expect something more. The CBT thought leader seemed to have no concept that the therapy relationship is a window into the patient’s inner world, or a relationship laboratory and sanctuary where lifelong patterns can be recognized and understood, and new ones created.
Some people may be satisfied with therapists who “work collaboratively” while conducting therapy according to an instruction manual (read my blog about "manualized" therapy here). Those who want to change their destiny will want a therapist with the self-awareness, knowledge, and courage to see and speak about what matters.

They had the happiest relationship until recently when she randomly asked to go to therapy

I have a friend; his name is Steven.
He has a wife, her name is, Monica. According to Steven, they had the happiest relationship until recently where Monica randomly asked to go to therapy.
He asked me, ‘What do women want, what do women want? Because I don’t get it’ Things were not working out and I could see that Steven was hurt because he loved Monica so much, she does everything for him, caters to his every need and he appreciates it, but he fears she doesn’t know it.

He said, ‘She just kept telling me she needs me, but won’t tell me how or when, she just says ‘I know you work hard so I can’t ask you for anything’, but things are bad and she’s silent all the time’
So I told him, She feels she can’t tell you how or when because she knows you’re a hard working guy and she appreciates that and doesn’t want to come across as nagging, but she’s working real hard to do it all right now, and she needs you, YOU, more than ever.
When she’s silent, that’s when she needs you. She doesn’t think it’s worth the effort to explain herself because she doesn’t feel her voice matters. Show her it does.
When she’s silent she’s deep in thought, she’s afraid, she’s angry, she’s confused, and her mind runs a million miles an hour, she needs you to help unpack that.
When she opens up, that’s when she needs you. She needs you to respect her voice, hear about her day, and don’t try to fix it, just hear what she’s saying. And for you to open up, talk to her, communicate, tell her about your day.
When you see her lose her temper that’s when she needs you. She needs you to step in and take over for a while. Do the bath, slap dinner together, entertain the kids. Anything. Let her come back better and ready to kickass again. You are being angry because she is angry won’t help. It’s when she needs you the most.
When you see her go somewhere in the house by herself and the kids follow her, that’s when she needs you. She needs that time to herself, she probably hasn’t had a second all day. You’re an amazing dad who masters tickle time like no other, so have some quality time with your kids.

When she dresses up, that’s when she needs you. She needs you to see her, and really see her. See her the way you did when you met her. She wants you to desire her the way she desires you. She needs you to know she matters to you… even if she hasn’t dressed up.
She’s may not go to work, but she works hard. Parenting is no picnic and you’re in this together, so be her copilot, and drive the ship together. She can’t do it without you.
She’s so burnt out caring for everything and everyone else, she needs to know you care for her and she’s forgotten how to ask. So, she’s trying to glue you back together any way she knows how. if she asked for therapy, go to therapy. It’s what is important to her and will be therapeutic for both of you. She needs that, and she needs you. If she didn’t need you, she wouldn’t suggest therapy, she’d get up and leave.
And tell her, tell her a thousand times you love her, that you appreciate her, and that you care, because she needs you, and she only needs you because for her, you are all she could ever need.

Selena Gomez & Justin Bieber Should Do Couples Therapy If They Want To Last — Expert Speaks

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez may be giving their romance another try, but if they want their relationship to last forever, they should seek couples therapy. Here’s why!
We’re all rooting for Justin Bieber, 23, and Selena Gomez, 25, to make their newly rekindled romance go the distance, but the foundation of any solid relationship is communication. When asked how these two can increase their chances of making it work this time around, relationship expert Dr. Jenn Mann, who wrote the book Jenn’s 6-Step Guide to Improving Communication, Connection & Intimacy, EXCLUSIVELY told HollywoodLife.com the pair should take part in couples therapy, and we think it’s a great idea. “Therapy! Doing some individual and couples therapy in order to develop the tools and skills that are needed to have a healthy relationship are important for most couples, especially these two,” suggested Dr. Jenn. “I am a big fan of couples doing therapy work early on in the relationship so that they start out a relationship, or restart a relationship, with new skills.”

In addition to seeking out therapy, Dr. Jenn wisely advocates the two schedule some one-on-one time during their busy calendars. “Connection is the foundation for any relationship,” Dr. Jenn added. “They need to make the time for each other and make sure they are talking face to face and connecting. I know that Selena is not partying because of her health issues, Justin needs to minimize any partying. Also, keep the relationship as private as possible.”

We reported earlier how Selena recently unfollowed The Weeknd, 27, on Instagram, which might have been the perfect move — unfollowing your ex is a good way to keep them out of sight and mind. After Selena was spotted kissing Justin, fans everywhere — including us — rejoiced. Now, we hope these two can make their relationship better than ever with some couples therapy!

How I Recently Killed Myself To Save My Marriage

You’re going to learn a lot about me personally the more you continue to follow and read my blog. It’s not all about celebrity gossip, but it’s about my life helping someone else’s life. Let me take you to last year when I killed myself to save my marriage.
Manic Depressive… that’s what they say I am. For everything I’ve been through in my life, I will just say I have gotten to a point where I was mentally unstable. Every doctor I would see would prescribe me with something that they thought, at the time would stabilize me. I’ve been on

• sertraline (Zoloft) 
• fluoxetine (Prozac, Sarafem) 
• citalopram (Celexa) 
• escitalopram (Lexapro) 
• paroxetine (Paxil, Pexeva, Brisdelle) 
• fluvoxamine (Luvox)

Not to mention 1mg of Xanax twice a day. By last year, I believe I was on about 3 antidepressants and a couple of things for anxiety. I was a walking zombie. I was at a point in my life where I had no feelings. I literally could not feel a thing. I had no emotions. Nothing was there. I was just a walking body. Nothing mattered. I was completely brain dead, nerve dead, whatever dead… I couldn’t feel. My marriage was crumbling. My kids didn’t want to be around me. I didn’t want to be around me.

My husband and I would argue, well he would argue because I didn’t give two shits about what he was talking about. I didn’t care. I was at the point where I wasn’t intimate with him. I expected him to go out and find a chick and have sex with her. I wasn’t giving it to him. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t cheating on me. I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t leave me, until one night I heard him praying for me (he still doesn’t know that I heard him praying for me). That night sent me in a rage. We argued until 4:00 in the morning. I had enough.
I took every pill bottled that had anything to do with anxiety and depression and I flushed it. That was the beginning of my death sentence. Anyone who is on daily medications for anxiety and depression and the amount and dosage I was on, knows that the doctor SPECIFICALLY tells you that you MUST be weened off of the medication. You cannot stop taking those pills cold turkey.

Day one without taking my meds, I felt fine, just a slight headache but I was good. As time went on, I began to lose my mind. It was even worse than before. I was a mad woman. I was yelling, crying, throwing things, throwing up, wasn’t eating, having chills, diarrhea, chest pains, migraines, weak, suicidal… must I go on? My husband didn’t know what was going on with me and our arguments were getting worse but I was beginning to use the little bit of strength I had to fight. I was killing myself so that I could save my marriage. I knew that if I stopped being doped up, I would become the woman he fell in love with. The woman with a big heart. The woman who put others before she put herself. The woman who cried while watching Disney movies. The woman who loved to laugh, who had fears. The woman who loved to be affectionate and passionate in and out of the bed room. The woman who loved her children more than she loved herself. But most importantly, the woman who FEARED, TRUSTED, AND LOVED GOD with all of her mind, body and soul. So I made a promise to myself and to my Creator that if I could kill this demon that had taken over me and that would feed off of the medication that was prescribed to me, I wouldn’t look back. I would be the woman God called me to be.
Things began to change. My husband began to see the change. So it was time to tell him that I was alive and I could have died but God kept me. All he kept saying was that he wished he would have known that I was withdrawing etc, etc but I had to explain that what I did was something that I had to do on my own. He needed to know that I killed myself to save my marriage.

How I Saved My Marriage when He’s the One who Needed to Change

Dien Luu, Laura Doyle Certified Coach
It was actually my husband who first read The Surrendered Wife.
He said he thought it would help our relationship if I considered some of the ideas. I looked at the title, and I was so angry.
How dare he blame this on me!
I really thought that I was doing everything right. If only he would change, our life would be happier.
After moving to England, I often told him, “I gave up my life in Canada to be here with you. At least you could make an effort!” I was honest and blunt about my feelings, to the point of rudeness. But the more I told him how to be a good husband, the more distant he became.
I’m not sure how I got to be so unhappy, angry, and lonely in my marriage.
Was it postnatal depression since the birth of our son three months earlier? Was it because my husband was out of the house three nights a week for badminton, live music and football? Was it because I had not made new friends in this small town?
I wanted to be happy, but I just didn’t know how. To make matters worse, I blamed my husband for my unhappiness.

What happened to the guy I had fallen in love with?
Was this the same man who used to drive three hours from Wales to England each way every weekend for a whole year to see me? The one who flew to Canada after we broke up to work things out? The one who had said he was crazy about me?
At times he would jokingly say, “Please stop disrespecting me.”
I didn’t think I was disrespecting him. I thought he was being too sensitive.
He accused me of having a ghetto attitude and always being ready for a fight. In defense, I called him a country boy with no street sense.
I remember the day I decided to surrender.
I was going to let him have it. I called him at work and ran off a list of complaints. When I was finished my rant, I heard him crying.
He said he’d had to leave the office because I was yelling into the phone so loud that he was worried his colleagues could hear. He was sitting on the ground between two cars in the parking lot, sobbing and waiting for me to stop yelling.

He said, “I’m a grown man and I’m in a car park crying. Things shouldn’t be like this. I can’t take this anymore.”
He was right.
Things shouldn’t be like this. I decided that something needed to change.
I packed my copy of The Surrendered Wife and took the baby to a friend’s house for a week. When my husband had recommended the book, I dismissed it as soon as I got to the part about relinquishing control of the finances.
This time, I read the entire book in a week–twice.
I was so desperate for things to change in my marriage. I decided to try everything that was in the book.
I returned to my husband a grateful wife. I thanked him for making me coffee, taking care of our son, playing music with me, washing up after dinner, and going to work so I could stay home with our newborn.
I stopped complaining to him. I stopped telling him what to do. If he asked for my opinion on something that was his to decide, I would smile and say, “Whatever you think. I trust you.”
I started to respect him for who he was and made it a priority to show that I really respected his decisions by supporting instead of criticizing him.
I decided to get rid of the ghetto attitude by talking nicely to my husband instead of swearing and rolling my eyes at him.
I started to schedule three self-care activities a day, focusing on what I could do to make myself happy. I called my friends more often for girl talk. I started to play my violin again. I made time every day for a nap, a walk in the park, and writing a gratitude list in my journal.
I saw results immediately.
We argued less. We started laughing together again. He was home more often.
When I surrendered, he responded well. When I fell back into my old ways of nagging, complaining, blaming and yelling, he retreated emotionally.
It became clear to me that surrendering brings peace and happiness. Non-surrendering brings me back to feeling lonely and sad in my marriage.
I could see that things were improving between us, but I still yearned for them to be better. I googled “Laura Doyle” and read her blogs. I purchased her other books and read them daily for inspiration.
My girlfriends were calling me to vent about their husbands or partners, and I would talk to them about surrendering. All of this was going on without my husband’s knowledge.
Surrendering did not come naturally to me. I felt I was speaking a whole new language.
So one day, I decided that I wanted to enroll in Laura’s Relationship Coach Training program.
It was time to confess to my husband that I had reread the book that he’d recommended years ago.
I was worried that he would think I was somehow being fake in my marriage by following a handful of Skills. He was surprised to learn that I had reread the book. He also said, “I did notice that things had changed. I thought it was strange that you kept saying ‘Whatever you think.’”
The decision to surrender saved my marriage.
The Six Intimacy Skills™ have brought peace and intimacy back in my relationship. I definitely want more of it. I continue to practice the Intimacy Skills every day in my marriage, and I am so grateful for every opportunity to apply them.
I don’t feel like a fake at all. In fact, I feel more myself when I am feminine. I definitely feel more cherished, loved and adored by my husband.
I am so much happier with who I have become.

12 Things Any Self-Respecting Woman Doesn’t Tolerate In A Relationship

1. If you are indecisive. Any woman with self-respect knows exactly what she wants and knows how to get it. She also knows it’s a waste of time and energy to invest anything into someone who doesn’t make you feel safe or secure.  
2. If you disrespect her or others. She will watch closely how you treat those around you. Even when you don’t think she’s watching she is. And if at any moment you disrespect her she’ll call you out on it and tell you exactly what she didn’t like. If you don’t change she’ll leave.  
3. If you play games. She doesn’t have time to figure out how you feel and she sure as hell doesn’t care how long she waits to respond. Maturity is learning that healthy relationship requires communication not messing with someone’s head just to see how they react. You play games she reacts by not responding to it.  
4. If you make excuses. Any woman with self-respect takes complete ownership of the things in her life. She doesn’t blame others. She doesn’t blame circumstances. She doesn’t blame her past. So the person she looks for is someone at that level. You make up excuses of why you can’t see her or why you canceled, she’ll understand and be polite. But she won’t let it happen twice.

5. If you try and keep her on a tight leash. Sometimes when someone insecure ends up in a relationship with someone who is confident and has self-respect, they get nervous that they will lose her. Instead of trusting her and trusting themselves that they are good enough, they will respond with suffocating her and trying to control her and doubting themselves. A woman with self-respect needs you to trust her and more than that needs you to let her be sometimes because she’ll never make a relationship her entire life.  
6. If you are less than she deserves. She knows what she wants and deserves in a person and if someone doesn’t give that to her she understands it isn’t a reflection of her but rather a reflection of them not seeing her worth and it isn’t up to her to change their mind about her.  
7. If you lie or cheat. She won’t give you a second chance after that. Instead, she’ll move on to someone who would never make such a mistake.

8. If you aren’t ambitious or goal oriented. Her goals and dreams are what motivate her to get up in the morning. She needs someone who is going to respect what she does, respect what she wants to do and be there cheering her on when she does it. Alone she’s strong and accomplishes a lot but everyone needs someone sometimes. And if you can be that type of person for her, in return she’ll make you twice the person you already are.  
9. If you are the jealous type. She is the type of person who could very well date someone else if she wanted. But she chose you. And if she cared enough to give up her relationship status, then the person who earned that will very well be someone who is sure of her and secure in their relationship. She refuses to waste time and energy trying to prove she’ll be loyal just because someone might be insecure.  
10. If someone is toxic. Strong women become that because there might have been a time they settled for less and chose the wrong people but they learning and in learning, they raised their standards. And in raising their standards they began to pay very close attention to the type of energy each relationship has and the person it makes her. She’ll have no problem cutting toxic people out of her life. And if you associate with people who are like that that’s what you become yourself. So she’ll pay close attention to the type of friends you have.  
11. If you mistreat her. If you are unkind or distant and suddenly there is a shift where you aren’t the person who might have pretended to be. She won’t waste time wishing you were that person again. If your true colors come out and she doesn’t like it, she will end things and not let you back.  
12. If you think you can come and go.

17 Unmistakable Signs You Are In A Relationship With A Guy Who Truly Respects You

 Besides love, compassion, loyalty, and commitment, what we all want from our relationships is undeniably respect. But, ladies, how do you know your guy truly respects you?
There isn’t anything more satisfying and fulfilling than knowing that you’re in a relationship with a guy who honestly respects you. A guy who deserves your love and attention. Respect is a major requirement for any romantic relationship to be healthy, meaningful, and long-lasting.
There are many ways your guy can show that he really respects you. But, if he displays most or all of the following 17 behaviors, you can be completely sure that he honestly loves and respects you.  
Here they are:  
1. He accepts you for who you are – with all your quirks, flaws, and insecurities.  
2. He shows that he cares about your feelings, needs, desires, and opinions.  
3. He never puts himself in a position in which he could do something that could hurt your feelings or break your heart. He always tells you the truth, no matter how painful it is. Additionally, you know he’ll never lie to or cheat on you because he’s proved many times that he deserves your trust.

4. He always takes responsibility for his actions.
5. He never criticizes you for your opinions, no matter how different they are from his. Instead, he always listens to you attentively and shows understanding and respect for your ideas and attitudes.  
6. He includes you in all his plans for the future. He can’t imagine spending his future without you.  
7. He does his best to comfort and help you when you’re down in the dumps or going through rough times.  

8. He never leaves you to deal with your insecurities and problems alone.  
9. No matter what a busy day he’s having and how many responsibilities he has to take care of, he always makes time for you.  
10. He frequently compliments you and tells you how smart, pretty, strong, and amazing you are. But, most importantly, you know he really means this.  
11. He doesn’t lose an opportunity to tell his family and friends how proud of you and how grateful he is for having such a wonderful person like you in his life.  
12. He pushes you out of your comfort zone and motivates you to pursue your goals and dreams.  
13. He likes having conversations with you because they’re always meaningful and exciting. He often brings up serious, important topics because he enjoys learning from you.  
14. He doesn’t fly off the handle when you make a mistake or when you say or do something that he doesn’t like or that annoys him.  
15. He’s your biggest help, cheerleader, fan, and protector. He believes in your abilities and knows your worth. He gives his best to protect you from anyone and anything.  
16. When you’re out with your friends, he makes sure you’re involved in the conversations. He ensures you don’t feel neglected or ignored.  
17. He inspires you to grow personally and professionally and become a better version of yourself.

If He Does These 10 Things, He's Proving How Much He Respects You

 His actions speak louder than any of his words.
Are you in a new relationship and wondering if you’re being treated the way you truly deserve? The question is a common one, because it’s all too easy to turn a blind eye to disrespectful behavior when you’re in the grips of lust, a tad infatuated or feel like you’re falling in love.
However, it’s just as easy to tell if a guy respects you when you look for these 10 signs a man respects you.
1. He’ll give you his full attention
This one seems really obvious, but not when one of the most common issues women have, is feeling a lack of attention from a guy. Be careful to separate neediness from the right to feel wanted, but, when a man respects you he does want to see you, talk to you, answer your calls right away and fully engage when you’re together.
If he often cancels plans, neglects to respond back to messages, doesn’t initiate dates or texts his mates during romantic dinners, respect for you isn’t really at the top of his mind. You deserve the attention you want to give in a relationship and if he’s not available – physically, emotionally or mentally – move on and invest your valuable time in someone who is.

2. He’s interested in your opinions
There’s nothing worse than voicing an opinion during a conversation and being immediately shut down. Whether he agrees with you or not, a man who respects you will be interested in what you have to say and eager to debate the finer details of it. He’ll be curious about how your mind works and interested to delve right in.
In fact, he’ll regularly ask for your opinion and take it very seriously. Just like women, most men want the company of someone who can offer advice, different perceptions and mental stimulation. If you’re with a guy who either laughs when you offer a point of view or dismisses it off hand, not only is he showing a lack of respect, he’s got a lot of growing up to do.
3. He doesn’t try to control you
When you think about controlling behavior, whether it’s from a guy, a boss or a parent, the foundation of it is generally fear or insecurity. For example, a boss might throw his or her weight around because they’re on a power trip that covers up their self-esteem issues. A parent may try to control your actions because they’re fearful something bad will happen to you.
In the case of relationships, controlling men use the behavior as a form of protection, for themselves. While this often manifests in a display of power and strength, it comes from a deeply ingrained place of fear, insecurity or feelings of unworthiness. In the beginning, controlling you might mean simple actions like ordering your meal without asking what you want or trying to influence your decisions.
Already, this shows a lack of respect because a guy who cares trusts that you know how to run your own life. Over time, these small actions can turn into jealousy, possessiveness, manipulation and even violence. Always respect yourself enough to keep control of your own life, firmly in your own hands.

4. He opens up emotionally
It may be a stereotype that men find it hard to open up emotionally, but, alas, sometimes it’s true. Whether it’s society constrictions, upbringing or insecurity, the world just isn’t as accepting of men displaying emotions, as it is with women. Therefore, when a guy does open up to you about his past, his worries or his fears, you can be sure he respects you enough to be vulnerable with you.
This has as much to do with trust, as it does with respect. In fact, it’s hard to trust someone without respecting them, because you don’t feel secure enough to do so with someone whose opinion doesn’t count. So, while it might not seem like a big deal when he tells you about how his dad made him feel insignificant, know that it’s a sure sign of emotional respect.
5. He encourages you to succeed
Having respect for someone makes you feel like you’d do anything to help them succeed. You admire the traits that make them who they are, you like feeling proud of them and you want to encourage them towards further successes. This is even more prominent at the beginning of a relationship when those very things are what attracts you to someone in the first place.
If your guy often throws cold water on your enthusiasm, isn’t interested in encouraging or discussing your goals or, worse, sabotages efforts to improve yourself, he isn’t displaying respect. More than likely, he’s jealous and trying to keep you from spreading your wings, so you’ll fit better into his own plans. That’s your cue to fly away. 6. He’s honest about relationship expectations
Whether you’ve only had five dates or you’re about to hit the year mark, a man who respects you will openly discuss your relationship. Sometimes though, this might mean he’s honest about the fact that he doesn’t want anything serious right now.
However, as long as he’s putting that on the table, you’ll know he respects you. He’s not interested in deceiving you about his feelings, just to keep you hanging in there for his own pleasure. In that case, it’s entirely up to you to stay, or go, if his ideas don’t match your own.
He won’t be scared of discussing where you stand in terms of exclusivity, regular weekend plans or when to meet each other’s parents, either. No matter what comes of the discussions, a guy who respects you will offer honest, open opinions, to the best of his ability.
7. He wants you to be involved in each other’s lives
If you’ve been seeing a guy for a while and you spend a bit of time together, it makes sense that eventually you’ll meet each other’s friends, family or workmates. When he respects you, he’ll want to check out all the different aspects of your life and find out what makes you tick.
He’ll also want you to join his, by taking you to work functions, hanging out with his mates or watching him play soccer on the weekend. On the other hand, if you’re mainly in the dark about a guy’s life, like you don’t know the names of any of his friends or he’s secretive about what he does during the week, be wary of the fact that he might not think you’re worth the investment – which is disrespectful, to say the least.  
8. He’s always interested in your pleasure – in and out of bed
If a guy is, for example, only interested in sex and doesn’t respect you at all, he’s going to behave selfishly most of the time. This extends to the bedroom, where he’ll probably be less concerned with rocking your socks off and more focused on getting his rocks off.
A guy who respects you will pretty much put you first, most of the time. He’ll make sure you like the restaurant he’s chosen, give you his jacket when it’s cold, try to make you laugh and be considerate of your feelings. In bed, it’ll be his utmost pleasure to take you to the finish line, over and over again. Always remember, that you deserve no less.
9. He doesn’t get jealous
Jealousy is a bit confusing, because feeling the effects of the green-eyed monster, in a small way, isn’t necessarily a bad sign. After all, if another man hits on you and your guy feels a bit jealous, he’s also reminded of your value and how lucky he is to have you, so he kind of likes it at the same time.
However, there’s a big difference between this and a man who wants to know where you are all the time, goes through your phone or has a fit every time you go out without him. These types of actions scream disrespect because he clearly doesn’t trust you or value your privacy.
10. He’s your number one fan
Think about someone in your life who you really respect. Maybe it’s your mum, a former teacher or your best friend. When you respect someone, you really are their number one fan and want to see them happy, healthy and confident in life. A guy who respects you will be in your corner, as your number one fan, in just the same way.
He won’t criticize you, try to make you feel bad about your decisions or talk you out of dying your hair black because he likes blondes better. He’ll see beyond all that to the real you and won’t selfishly try to bend you to his own desires. He’ll understand and value what he’s found in you, whether it’s a casual romance or a long-term relationship.
And that’s the sort of treatment you truly deserve.