How to fix a boring relationship, according to Dr. Ruth

Dr. Ruth has interviewed thousands of people about their sex lives — and she's found the biggest threat to a relationship happens outside the bedroom  

• Dr. Ruth Westheimer is a psychosexual therapist. She's found boredom — inside and outside the bedroom — is the biggest threat to a romantic relationship. 
• Before you give up on a boring relationship, Westheimer says you should try making your own life more exciting.  
• Other experts recommend trying new things with your partner as a way to combat boredom.

Dr. Ruth Westheimer separated from her second husband when their daughter was one year old.

In her 2015 memoir, "The Doctor Is In: Dr. Ruth on Love, Life, and Joie de Vivre," she explains what happened: "What we'd had was a great love affair, but there wasn't enough of a connection to sustain a marriage that would last a lifetime. One of the missing ingredients was intellectual stimulation."

Westheimer — better known simply as Dr. Ruth — is arguably the world's most famous sex therapist. At 89 years old, she's heard from thousands of people about their most pressing sex and relationship issues. Over time, she's learned that the biggest danger to a romantic relationship is boredom — and not just in the bedroom.

In "The Doctor Is In," Westheimer writes:

"I often speak about sexual boredom, and it's certainly a topic that magazines like Cosmo address regularly, but in my opinion, sexual boredom is only a minor aspect to a couple's not having a satisfying sex life. Intellectual boredom with each other is a much bigger culprit."

Westheimer tweets frequently about the hazards of a boring relationship. From February 2012: "Boredom affects not just your sexual relationship but your entire relationship. Seek out ways to push boredom out of your life." Boredom isn't necessarily the death knell for a relationship

Interestingly, other experts say boredom may not be an inherently negative experience. Elizabeth Bernstein at The Wall Street Journal reported that boredom can be a sign that you need to make a change in your relationship.
One therapist told The Journal that it's important to identify when and where you feel bored. Then talk to your partner about the situation — but instead of using the word "bored" or placing blame, suggest a new joint activity.
Indeed, research suggests that couples who try new things together are more satisfied with their relationships.

Westheimer concludes "The Doctor Is In" by answering questions she received from the audience at a production of "Becoming Dr. Ruth," a play based on her life. In response to a question about the biggest danger to a relationship, Westheimer responds (you guessed it): boredom.

She writes:

"The first step to fighting boredom is to recognize it. One clue is that you're always tired even though there's no particular cause, like a baby who wakes you five times a night or financial worries that keep you from falling asleep. The reason that you are tired is that there's nothing about your life that makes you excited."

Perhaps surprisingly, Westheimer recommends spicing up your own life as a way to combat relationship boredom: Visit the theater, join a book club, take an online course. "By investing in yourself in all these ways, you'll find that the fog of boredom will lift and the bright light of joie de vivre will being to light your life."

She caveats that if none of this is helping, you should seek professional guidance. And if Westheimer's experience in her second marriage is any indication, sometimes you may have to end the relationship.
The takeaway here is that, if you're on the fence about whether to stay in a boring relationship, you should exhaust all reasonable possibilities before giving up.

Here's Westheimer in "The Doctor Is In" again: "Joie de vivre isn't just a phrase that you sprinkle on your life now and then. It's an attitude that should permeate your every waking hour. It takes a little effort but let me assure you, the rewards are well worth it.

3 Signs Of Bad Communication In A Relationship & How To Fix It

I have a fancy, expensive degree in communications from New York University, so communicating with an SO should be as natural as breathing for me, right? Try again. While I did learn how to effectively express myself through concise language and understand the nuances of the unspoken (i.e. body language), that can all get Mojito-level muddled once feelings are involved. I've experienced my fair share of miscommunications that can be held almost entirely accountable for relationship downfalls. But what are the signs of bad communication in a relationship, and how do you fix it?

"Whether you've been on one date, dating for one week, one month, or one year, there will always be new things to learn about each other and learn to navigate together," says Lori Salkin, SawYouatSinai.com Senior Matchmaker and Dating Coach. "Having open and honest communication is the only way to truly succeed in a relationship."
As humans, we are constantly communicating, whether verbally or nonverbally, intentionally or unintentionally. Communication is simply the process by which information is exchanged. So being conscious of what info you're sharing and how you interpret the info your parter is sharing is crucial to how we learn — together. Of course, there is room for error (like, a lot of err). Here are the three key ways in which bad communication manifests and how to stop it from happening.

1. An Unwillingness To Be Open-Minded

You might not like to admit it, but even the best of us are at least a little set in our ways (which is the nice way to say stubborn). A lot of people think that compromise is a huge factor in successful relationships, and it is... but you cannot arrive at true compromise without first approaching your partner with an open mind.
"In every relationship, especially in the beginning, you are strangers coming from different places and will always have different opinions," says Salkin. "No two people are perfectly alike and every relationship takes compromise and a willingness to be open-minded." She continues that maintaining an open mind and honest communication allows couples to "[validate] each other's differences of opinions, and offer ... [a] willingness to communicate and agree to disagree to build a healthy relationship."

Expert Tip: Salkin advises that couples should avoid planning too far into the future (i.e. the five-year plan). The unpredictability of life makes it impossible to account for where you will go (both physically and mentally), how you will grow, or even who your kids will be.

2. You're Not Fighting (And Making Up)

It might seem counterintuitive to say not fighting is a sign of relationship doom, but according to Salkin, "good communication includes fighting and making up." As intellectual beings, humans are prone to clash with one another. In other words, no one (or couple) is perfect; disagreements come along with the roller coaster that is life. The good news? "It is the way in which [a couple] handles the disagreements that can enable a couple to succeed or break up," says Salkin.

Expert Tip: Salkin stresses the importance of having "realistic expectations about how people change and the curveballs life throws you." If you can do that, you'll have smooth makeups. And my tip? It doesn't take an expert to state the obvious here. Makeups = makeup sex. Jussayin'.

3. Issues Arise During The Times You're Not Together

The other day the guy I'm currently seeing went out to surf and then texted me that he would be back later than he expected. Sweet baby Jesus, thank you for this man.

"Communication issues often arise in the time between being together," Salkin explains. "It is very hard to sit and wait and have no idea when you will hear from your significant other." When you don't keep someone you love in the loop about your life, it starts entering the territory of disrespecting another person's time, which is just not cool. Technology might be starting to hinder humanity (case in point: every episode of Black Mirror), but with Salkin's advice, you can use it to benefit your relationship.

Expert Tip: As Salkin says, "A little ... goes a long way." "Send frequent messages, even if they only say 'still here' or 'things are still hectic,'" she continues. "Updates go a very long way in softening the frustration." Showing some effort between dates by checking in over text and the phone majorly steps up your communication game. Plus, it'll likely make your partner feel pretty special.

Of course, communication issues outside of these three factors, like a total lack thereof, might lead to a bigger struggle. In that case, it might be time to seriously check in with your SO on why that's happening. It might sound obvious, but put down your phones and do some activities together. Salkin makes a great point that not every date has to be talk, talk, talk, but instead, share experiences, and it's likely you'll find you have a lot more to talk about.

She concludes, "If the other person is not receptive to sharing reality with you, then it is unlikely to be a sustainable relationship."

How to Fix a Clingy Relationship

Are you clingy? Or, is your spouse or partner too demanding?

The wierd thing is that you were fine before this relationship. But, now you find yourself demanding his attention. Or you find yourself paranoid about what she's up to. You don't get it, but it's ruining everything.

To understand what's happening, let's examine the power of intimacy.

The Power of Intimacy: The world of physics teaches us a lot about relationships; it’s called The Field of Intimacy. When inside the field, all the rules of behavior change. Imagine when a rock traveling in space enters Earth’s gravitational field. The rock changes course and becomes a meteor – hurtling to oblivion.

When The Field of Intimacy works in your favor, the pull of a relationship can be enchanting. And when it triggers neurotic symptoms, it can hurt like hell. Once in the field’s grasp, you may ask yourself: Why is he so controlling? Or, why is she so angry?

Or, today’ question: Why Am I So Needy?

The Scene: Tammy heard from her boyfriend, Rory about thirty minutes ago. That’s about twenty five minutes too long, as Tammy sees it. She begins to get nervous, no agitated. Should I text? Why isn’t Rory getting back to me?

Tammy texts him again, not so subtly: WHERE ARE YOU?

No response.

A few minutes later, Rory’s back: What’s the problem?

Tammy: Why are you NEVER available?

Rory: THAT’S NOT TRUE.

Tammy responds: You're so selfish.

Rory answers: I can’t deal with this right now.

GOODBYE.

 Not good. Here's the question. Why is Tammy so needy?

And, why is Rory fed up?

Tammy’s Story: After graduating college Tami, age 25, has enjoyed a nice career. She writes for a well known blog and is respected, even by senior staff. Pretty and quick, Tammy has dated easily. Rory is a guy she really likes, which makes her neediness all the more annoying. She just can’t help it.

Tammy grew up in the suburbs, with a mom and dad, plus three younger siblings – all boys. Growing up, her mom dedicated herself to a great life for her kids, with endless driving, sporting events and performances. Dad, on the other hand, wasn’t around much. He ran a great business, and got most of his gratification from LEAVING home. Unfortunately for Tammy, Dad was narcissistic and not all that interested in her, despite her success. As ridiculous as it may sound, Tammy still hopes that one day Dad will marvel in her success.

She may not be consciously aware of it, but Tammy’s drive to succeed is colored by her father’s lack of true interest. And, her love interests are affected as well.

She wants guys who acknowledge her achievements. But often chooses guys who couldn’t care less. Tammy is in a neediness trap.  

Rory’s Story: Life was tougher for Rory growing up. He had burdens, and in his case it was his mom who had the narcissistic tendencies, always needing to be right and in control. When Rory was three years old, his Dad got out of the house and eventually started a new family. Rory kept contact, but lived 98% of the time with his mom and older sister.

Mom was annoying. She insisted on things her way, and never said she was sorry. Control was essential, and since she was left, Rory’s Mom insisted that she was a victim in life. Since Rory was no weakling, they battled incessantly. Dad was of little help.

In essence, Rory had to raise himself.

College was a blessing for Rory, who was happy to pay for much of it himself; anything to get out of the house. He emerged bright, independent, capable and suspicious of women. At 31 Rory’s on his was to partner in a prestigious accounting firm. Since college, he keeps his distance from women, preferring a long line of non committed flings. He’s not even sure he wants to get married one day.

The Field of Intimacy: If ever there was a crazy wonderful fling, then Tammy and Rory certainly had it; pure fireworks. Type A meets Type A for an intense love affair . Tammy loves - and respects – this self sufficient and capable older man. She finds herself wanting more and more of him. They can talk about anything, business, politics, and life. This is the brilliant, successful man of her dreams. When Tammy has sex with Rory, she feels both excited and invulnerable; it’s the time of her life.

For Rory, this young woman is the hottest girl he’s ever been with. And, it’s not just the looks. It’s the way she holds herself, her intelligence and class. She’s something else; professional, worldly and beautiful. He finds himself spending increasingly more time with her; and texting a lot.

It’s great for a few months; pure bliss. They are in The Field of Intimacy, where the world operates by different rules. Everyday is infused by the playfulness and magic of being in a love relationship. It’s what most people want.

The Field of Intimacy sucks them in. And after a few months of happiness, some old neurotic worries force their way to the surface. And, it’s not pretty.

 Tammy notices when Rory is not immediately available. A call missed; or an unanswered text message triggers rejection fears. She finds herself wondering who Rory sees and what he’s doing. Tammy feels crazy; indeed, she’s crazed. She begins to get clingy and demanding. It’s not her, but Tammy can’t help it.

On Rory’s side, he needs a little distance. He’s crazy about Tammy, but it feels suffocating. He’s out of touch with some good friends and now catches up, at the expense of time with Tammy. And, despite his best intentions, Rory just can’t answer all the calls and texts – he’ll do it later. He begins to get annoyed (like he did with his Mom). What’s wrong with Tammy? Where did all these demands come from?

From the Couch: This is Phase Two of a love affair. Phase One is falling in love and entering the Field of Intimacy. Phase Two is when unconscious issues force their way to the surface. It’s a test; this couple need not lose their fabulous love affair.

Once a couple enters the Field of Intimacy, psychological dances like this are the norm.

This love affair triggers Tammy’s inner child. Her father was more interested in other people – anyone out of the house – and now Tammy’s back where she was at nine years old. Her Dad ignored her – and she experiences Rory the same way. She’s clingy and can’t stop it. It’s as if her adult mind has been overrun by events that happened years ago. Rory is no longer her boyfriend, he’s now the unavailable narcissist – and Tammy is left out in the cold.

On the other hand, Rory’s been activated. He too is back in his family of origin; with his narcissistically demanding mother. He distances by calling on friends. Rory avoids Tammy’s texts and he rages at her when it’s too much. Note that Rory may look healthier than Tammy, but he too has issues. His compulsive need to escape triggers Tammy and her demand for contact triggers Rory.

They’re both trapped; and it doesn’t have to be this way.  

The Layers of Love: What you need to understand is that in intimacy, each person brings something different to the table; and the Field of Intimacy percolates it all to the surface. You may not like it, but a parental bond (or lack thereof) can affect intimacy. Like Tammy and Rory; it can happen to anyone.

Early love is great – enjoy it: This is a special time together. It’s all positive. But, take a moment to explore your past with each other. It may come in handy when Phase Two kicks in.

Learn from old relationships: Without doubt, you’ve learned a great deal about yourself from former relationships. Do you tend to run, or get clingy? Or, do you pick fights or compulsively withdraw? Perhaps, you just bore easily? My advice: take control of past triggers; and give your boyfriend or girlfriend a fighting chance. Therapy can help a lot.

Keep things in perspective: Once in The Field of Intimacy, you’re likely to be vulnerable to triggers. You may get really hurt or really angry. It goes with the territory. So, don’t get crazy over one bad day. Try again. Forgive. Let go. Often, it’s just some random regression; and it’s really not that important.

Intimacy needs many roles: Sometimes he’ll be needy. Sometimes you’ll be distancing, and sometimes you can’t get enough of each other. Relationships are fluid – accept and work with the love you’ve got. Good relationships carry many roles.

Who doesn’t want love?

Just know that like Tammy and Rory, the intensity of love brings you into the Field of Intimacy, with fantastic opportunities and real dangers. The opportunity is the wonder of love; the danger is the misery of a neurotic relationship.

Being this needy is not good for Tammy. Being this unforgiving is not good for Rory.  

Take Home Message: If you want to succeed, keep your relationship in perspective. Phase One will yield to Phase Two, and one or both of you will regress. It’s almost inevitable. Just don’t get stuck there. Worst case scenario: you find yourself in a neurotic bond and break up. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be?

Look to Phase Three, where you weather the storm only to feel closer to each other.

Here’s the thing, get curious about who you are; and who he is. Get to know what triggers each of you and why. Let your adult selves keep the angry or hurt inner child in place. Tammy tells him; oops…I’m getting demanding again. Sorry. Rory tells her, no worries, I’m no saint. It's okay.

They laugh it off as a stupid little moment.

It sounds simple. But, you know it isn’t.

Yet, wonderful, luscious love is worth fighting for.

How To Fix A Codependent Relationship, According To An Expert

It's easy to think that being in a codependent relationship means you that you spend too much time together or start to dress the same, but that's not really what codependency is about.

"Codependency has become a buzzword, and people sometimes misunderstand what it means to be codependent. It is important to remember that in a healthy relationship, it is absolutely OK to depend on your partner," Holly Daniels, PhD, LMFT, clinical systems director at Sober College, tells Bustle. "... In some relationships, however, one or both partners value the relationship much more than they value their own health and well-being. This is called codependence."

So it's more about putting the relationship above yourself — the need to protect the relationship at all costs, and getting anxious at the idea of it ending. Now, if that sounds like you, don't feel bad about it — it's actually something experts say is often related to our childhoods.

"Codependence isn’t something you just fall into — it is a dynamic that stems from insecure attachment — a pattern of relating that is formed early in our lives," Daniels says. If you had an unhealthy relationship with one or both parents, it may be the cause of your codependence now. So don't feel badly about it, just work to get past it. Here's what you need to keep in mind if you think you're in a codependent relationship.  

The Most Important Thing To Do Is Talk To Your Partner About It

If you realize that your relationship is codependent, it's important to be honest about it. "Both partners in a codependent relationship are most likely struggling with insecure attachment issues that will keep them from forming and sustaining healthy, happy long-term relationships," Daniels says. "So, if you find yourself in a codependent relationship, the most important thing to do is talk to your partner about it! Set aside a time to talk away from distractions, and open up a dialogue about your concerns. If your partner gets super defensive or avoids having the conversation at all, this is a sign that you are indeed in a codependent relationship. Having an honest, open conversation about the state of your relationship may feel threatening for both of you, but the potential for growth and healing is tremendous if the two of you can sit with the discomfort and have a heart-to-heart talk. The goal is to come up with strategies for each of you to practice feeling secure in the relationship, while also strengthening your independence outside of the relationship."

Consider Professional Help

Don't be afraid to seek professional help either. Chances are, you're going to be opening up what might be some very deep wounds and looking at engrained habits, so you might need a third party to help. "Often, the discomfort for one or both partners is so intense that this kind of conversation needs to be had with a non-partial couple’s counselor or therapist," Daniels says. "Having a third-party who is trained to reduce the tension and help you both communicate openly and honestly can be very helpful." It can help make the conversation more measured and also give you some objective advice from someone not invested in the relationship. Codependency can make it difficult to see the forest for the trees.  

Move On If You Have To

That being said, some people just won't be willing to confront or move on from their codependency — it's just too much of a safety net for them. If that's the case, you need to put yourself first. "Sometimes you’ll find yourself with a partner that refuses to have an open conversation in any setting," Daniels says. "In that case, you might have to cut your losses and move on. I strongly encourage you, however, to talk with a therapist on your own to help yourself work through the issues that made you prone to engaging in a co-dependent relationship in the first place. Humans are destined to repeat their relationship patterns until they can work through and heal their underlying attachment issues." Dealing with a codependent relationship isn't easy — but knowing that you're in one is the first step. If you're willing to look at your own issues around attachment and work on your relationship, it can put you on track for a much healthier future — whether it's with your current partner or someone new.

7 Signs That You’re In A Competitive Relationship And How To Fix It

To some people, having competitive bouts in relationships can be seen as a trivial quirk that can be laughed about. And for the most part, that’s true. It’s funny whenever couples try to outdo one another with their wit as far as little games and intellectual sparring matches are concerned. Maybe a little competition to start getting fitter or to start learning new skills might even add some spice to the romance. A little competition in the relationship doesn’t have to be so destructive. But it gets to a point where competition in a relationship could potentially breed a very toxic and destructive environment.

At the end of the day, the best couples should always be acting like a team. They are the ones who understand that life has plenty of challenges that are in store for them. And they understand that they need to be devoting all of their competitive energy outward instead of a inward with their relationships. They can’t possibly allow themselves to be focusing their competitive energy on each other because that could spark potential bitterness between the two of them. When there is minimal competitiveness between two people in a relationship, then that creates an atmosphere of lightness and happiness.

Yes, adding some competitive fire into a relationship can be a great way to just mix things up. It can add a little zest to a relationship that could potentially be susceptible to predictability. But as with all other things in life, it’s always best to treat competitiveness in a relationship with moderation. Too much of it, and you risk losing one another in the process. You risk putting yourselves in a position where no one wins. And since there are just some people who are inherently competitive by nature, it can be difficult to spot the signs of an overly competitive relationship.
That’s why it’s integral that couples are able to maintain a sense of self-awareness with regards to how they conduct themselves especially when they’re together. You always have to be aware of your actions and how they are impacting your partner and your relationship. If you want to save your relationship from being one that could eventually be destroyed by a surplus of competitiveness, then you have to be wary of the red flags.

Here are 7 signs that you’re in a competitive relationship followed by the solution to fixing it.

 1. Your fights feel like sporting events that you need to win.
You are always fighting and you approach these fights like sporting events. It’s more important for you to win than it is to actually listen to each other.

 2. You never give each other the whole picture.
You don’t want to give your partner any edge that they might be able to use against you and so you regularly practice dishonesty with one another.  

3. You each find it difficult to be happy for the successes of the other. You genuinely don’t like it whenever your partner succeeds. You get jealous and you immediately feel insecure about the spotlight being taken away from you in the relationship.

 4. You rarely ever come to a compromise on anything. You don’t like to compromise. It would be more important for the both of you to stand your ground than to just meet halfway.  

5. You still try to make one another jealous.
Instead of just being happy for one another whenever the other succeeds, you try to find ways to make the other jealous. Whether it be through career goals or otherwise, you will try to outdo one another whenever you can.

6. You demean and belittle each other.
You are threatened by each other’s ego and so you grab at any opportunity to shoot the other one’s confidence levels down a notch.  

7. You are liberal in your use of ultimatums with each other.
You are constantly trying to force the other to bend. And you are so stubborn to the point that you would willingly throw ultimatums in the way of your partner to get them to agree with you. Ultimatums just kill the communication and connection in a relationship.  

The solution:
It’s all a matter of communication. At the end of the day, the only way that the two of you could ever get over your competitive nature with each other is if you just improve your communication habits. When you are constantly communicating with each other, and if you are genuinely listening to one another, then you really learn to empathize with your partner. You will be able to see things from your partner’s perspective a little more clearly. You will understand each other better. And once you start to discover that you’re both on the same team; that you’re both essentially trying to get through this life together, then you will stop feeling that compulsion to outdo one another. You will no longer start to feel that deep desire to compete with each other. It will no longer be a me vs you kind of situation. But instead, it turns into an us against the world kind of relationship; and those are always the best kinds.

One Thing You Have to Know for Great Communication in Marriage

She looked across the room at me with a combination of horror and anxiety which, frankly, seemed like an overreaction. After all, we had been married for three months and all I said was, “Let’s move to St. Petersburg, Russia.”

That sounds fun, doesn’t it? Why all the fuss? And, why is she so negative about my ideas?
Oh, I don’t know . . . how about food, shelter, and money for starters?

She’s such a planner, always hung up on the minor details.

Lisa spent the next day with her anxiety meter in the red zone, stewing over the Dollar- to-Ruble conversion rate, which clothes she should pack, and what raising children in Russia would be like.
Me? I never gave it another thought because I would never move us to Russia without a purpose and a plan. It’s an interesting idea, though, don’t you think?

So, we’re not moving to St. Petersburg?

Of course, not!

 Communication . . . it’s a funny thing because it always involves three things:

1) What you said
2) What you thought you said
3) What the other person heard you say

Who needs a game of telephone to bring confusion and misunderstanding (without the humor!) to marriage?

We laugh about it now but it wasn’t funny then. Exile in Russia and about a thousand other ideas struck fear into Lisa’s heart in those early years – not to mention frustration in mine because of her negative responses. We may as well have been speaking Russian to each other.

So, what was happening in our interaction? What is happening in yours? Does the Cold War get revived in your home from time to time?

 “Communication styles have a major impact on what we think our spouse is saying.”

Communication styles have a major impact on what we think our spouse is saying. Hearing someone based on one’s own communication style rather than on theirs is bound to lead to trouble.

If Lisa were to say, “Let’s move to Russia,” it would be at the end of her thought/evaluation process, after all the details and contingencies were considered. When I say something similar, I’m floating an idea . . . processing out loud . . . seeing where the conversation will take us. It’s the same process for us both, it’s just that I’m on the front end and she’s on the back end.

Now that Lisa understands this about me, she doesn’t have to be instantly defensive in order to protect herself from random sea changes. Now that I understand her style, I am more careful (a little more careful!) not to drop idea “bombs” in the middle of her well-planned afternoon.

What’s your spouse’s communication style?

Taking the time to understand your spouse’s communication style and listening to her (or to Him!) based on what you know about the way she/he interacts will have a profound impact on your understanding of each other and bring a measure of peace the next time the visionary in your relationship suggests hitching a ride on the next shuttle to the International Space Station for the weekend.

16 questions to ask your partner before you commit to the relationship

It's great to be unconditional in love, but not stupid. Here are some questions you must ask your partner and a few you must ask yourself before you commit to them forever.
Not everything comes with lifetime guarantee. Especially relationships. As much as two people might be in love, life happens. And then it isn't just love, but practical stuff that determines how your days, weeks, and years with your partner turn out. In order to save yourself from a series of heartbreaks, here are 15 conversations to have and questions to ask your partner.

1. Did you think of marriage/commitment before you met me?
 
This might not be a romantic thing to ask soon after or before a proposal, but this question will help you get a deeper insight into their beliefs about marriage. Did they always think marriage wasn't for them and then you came along? Watch out. As romantic as it might seem, their core beliefs might crop up years later.  

2. Do you plan to have kids? What are your thoughts about it?
 
Do you like kids? Have you thought about having one or few yourself? If so, how would you like to raise them? Would you consider co-parenting as the only way through?  

3. How do you like to spend your money?
  
Do you have any loan that I should be aware of? Do you have a habit of saving? Where would you like to spend most of your money? Would you consider co-saving or do you prefer individual accounts forever?

4. Is there an ex you are still friends with and what role do they play in your life?
 
This is a big one. If your partner hasn't said much about their past relationships, it's to broach the subject with lighter questions about "what did you learn from your past relationships?" This will get them to talk without getting defensive. If there is an ex who is still in touch, be honest about your own comfort level and express this to your partner.

5. Is there any subject that you are very sensitive about?

This can save you from many arguments that are triggered by accidental remarks. If your partner is super sensitive about their physical abilities (to move things around, trek up, energy level), even a small comment like "God, I should have hired a professional to get the stuff moved" will make them feel criticized.

6. How do you feel about your parents' marriage/relationship?

Whether you like it or not, our parents' relationship has a huge influence on our lives. Your partner's core beliefs about companionship, intimacy, attachment style, honesty, mode of communication etc. are likely to be impacted by what he/she grew up watching as a kid. By understanding how they feel about this will make a lot of their behavior and defense mechanisms more understandable.  

7. What're your worst fears when it comes to marriage/long-term relationship?

Do they fear feeling lonely? Does the thought of lifelong commitment scare them? Is their worst fear being cheated on or losing you to someone else? All these things say a lot about their unconscious fears and worries.

8. What do you consider as cheating?

Is it just sex that they consider as cheating? What about flirting? What about emotional infidelity? What about talking about you secrets with another friend? Is it okay to be too close to one of your friends even if they share nothing but a good rapport? How comfortable are you with it?  

9. How do you feel about religion?

While this is something you are likely to have figured by the time it comes to a proposal, it is important to know values that are intrinsic to them. Do they have staunch beliefs about creation and life? You might be okay with that. But if this reflects on how they want to parent their kids, you need to consider how compatible this is with your own beliefs.  

10. What's your dealbreaker?

What is something that can break the relationship beyond repair? Ask yourself this before you ask your partner. Is it cheating? If so, of what kind? What about not being there for the other in terms of need, lying, breaking promises?  

11. Are we sexually compatible?

This is a biggie. Most couples assume that things will get in sync once they move in or get married. But if one person has a big appetite for sex and the other has low libido, talking about it before it gets too late is important.  

12. How would you like a regular weekend to be?

You both might be loving every moment you spend together. This might make you do things you might not otherwise enjoy. But if you are a home bird and your partner likes to let his/her party animal have a wild night every weekend, then your daily routine might involve a lot of arguments.  

13. What are your views on alcohol and drugs?

Many marriages and relationships that break due to substance abuse often have symptoms that were missed on during the early stage. When you ask this question, you attack any potential issues even before it begins to ruin both of your lives.

15. Will he/she be open to talk and listen even when we don't agree about something?

No two people will agree with each other at all times. There will be differences, disagreements, assumptions, biases, and annoying defense mechanisms at play. The only thing that will get you through all of these is your and your partner's willingness to listen and share without judgment.

 16. Can I trust her/him with my feelings?

Can you trust your partner to understand that all feelings are natural and acceptable? Can they respect what you feel without ridiculing or reducing them by calling them as silly, too intense, dramatic, or "neurotic." Do you feel comfortable when you share your vulnerabilities and insecurities?

And finally, ask yourself this: Do I see myself growing as an individual besides her/him? Do they add to who I am or will I feel drained of my natural confidence, talent, time, energy, and resources?

Barack Obama’s Three Key Questions For Lasting, Healthy Relationships

Whether or not you believe in “The One”, one thing’s for sure – Barack and Michelle Obama are probably as close to it as you can get. People have long admired their relationship and luckily we’re getting a taste of what it takes to have a relationship like Barack and Michelle, courtesy of Barack’s former Communications Director Dan Pfeiffer. In his new book, Yes We (Still) Can, Pfeiffer reveals the invaluable relationship advice he received from the former president.

How Barack Obama Found “The One”

Barack and Michelle Obama’s love story began in the summer of 1988, when a then 28-year-old Barack and Michelle, who was 25 at the time, met at the law firm Sidley Austin LLP. Michelle was assigned to be Barack’s mentor at the law firm, but a month into them working together, he decided to ask her out. Michelle wasn’t keen on the idea at first but she eventually relented and their first date consisted of lunch at the Art Institute of Chicago and then seeing the Spike Lee film “Do The Right Thing.”
Barack and Michelle were married on October 3, 1992 and Michelle noted that his heartfelt vows were a glimpse at what was to come in their marriage. They went on to have two daughters in 1998 and 2001 respectively, and, as we all know, Barack was elected to the presidency in 2008. Their marriage has survived the toughest job anyone can have and they’ve become a source of inspiration for many couples.

The Key To Healthy Relationships – Three Questions Everyone Should Ask About Their Spouse

Pfeiffer had Obama’s wisdom imparted to him after he revealed that he planned to move in with his then-girlfriend on his last day at the White House back in 2015. Obama responded to the news by revealing that he gives the same advice to everyone about marriage and that it’s important to ask yourself three specific questions about your potential spouse.
The first imperative question that should be asked according to Obama is “Is she someone you find interesting?” (1). He told Pfeiffer that, “You will spend more time with this person than anyone else for the rest of your life, and there is nothing more important than always wanting to hear what she has to say about things.” Couldn’t have said it better myself, thanks, Obama!
The second question Obama asked Pfeiffer is “Does she make you laugh?”. This question doesn’t require much explanation, having a partner you can laugh with makes the relationship and life in general much more enjoyable.
The last crucial relationship question Obama asked Pfeiffer was “I don’t know if you want kids, but if you do, do you think she will be a good mom?”. Obama then went on to explain that, “Life is long. These are the things that really matter over the long term.” Obama was definitely on to something!

The Proof Is In the Pudding

Pfieffer answered yes to all these questions and married his girlfriend Howli Ledbetter in October 2016. The Obama’s celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary in October 2017 and there’s no doubting that this couple’s view on marriage is something to take note of.

7 Questions That Can Strengthen Your Relationship

Don't know what your partner wants from you? Maybe it's time you found out.
One of the biggest mistakes we can make in a relationship is not asking enough of the right questions. By asking the right questions, you can discover what your partner needs and wants from you and your time together.

Here are a few to try:

 “What can I help you with right now?”
If you find yourself with some time on your hands, why not offer those minutes to your mate as a loving gesture. Most of us have too much on our plates, and an extra pair of hands can make a big difference in getting things done. Plus, doing things together can be bonding.  

“How can I show you I love you?”
Most couples are good at saying those three little words, but actions speak even louder. Perhaps your loved one will want a kiss or some help in the garden. Whatever his or her request, your offer to display your love will make your partner feel cherished.  

“Is there one ‘little’ thing about me that you would like me to change?”
Yes, this can spark a serious (and tricky) conversation, but by emphasizing the word little, you can lighten it up significantly. Sometimes we unconsciously do things that make our partner uncomfortable, but it’s not quite annoying enough for them to tell us. By asking this question, you can stop a little annoyance from becoming a big issue.  

“Is there someplace special that you would like to go?”
You may not be in a position to fly to Paris, but it’s nice to give the one you love the gift of picking somewhere, even relatively nearby, that he or she would like to go with you. You can also make plans for a grander vacation if the mood (and budget) strikes you. It’s a great way to have something to look forward to, which fosters happiness.  

“What is it about our life together that makes you happy?”
This question will cause your lover to think about all the things he or she enjoys about your relationship. Just talking about the joys will make the two of you feel closer and add more depth to your connection.  

“Is there anything I can do to make you feel more loved?”
This tender question may render your partner speechless, at least for a moment. But even if you have a great relationship, your mate can surely think of something that can make your love even stronger.  

“What’s something you’d like to do together that we have never done before?”
This can open up some ideas to excite both of you. You can play around with different ideas until you come up with a couple that really captivate you. Remember, doing new things with your partner will make you feel closer.
When we get caught up in daily activities, even couples with excellent communication skills can forget to ask a partner what he or she needs or wants. If you can get better at asking the right questions, your relationship will be better for it.

The Therapy Relationship in Psychodynamic Therapy versus CBT

Our earliest attachments form the templates for our subsequent relationships. As a result, we repeat patterns in our relationships throughout our lives. Because they are present from the beginning, these patterns may be as invisible to us as water to a fish. Yet they shape our destinies.
Therapy is a relationship, and patients bring their templates and patterns into it. As therapists, we enter the gravitational field of patients’ problematic relationship patterns, experiencing and participating in them. Through recognizing our own unavoidable participation in these patterns, we can help our patients understand and rework them.
This is therapy that changes lives. This is the heart of psychodynamic therapy.
Caroline, a woman in her late thirties, is elegant, educated, successful. She carries herself with a regal bearing and looks and dresses like a Vogue model. She is pursued by the kind of men most women only fantasize about. Yet she is lonely. She has been unable to keep an intimate relationship and she suffers from bouts of depression.
Caroline has attempted therapy several times. She says, unhappily, that it has never really changed anything, and the therapists always end up wanting her approval.

Colleagues trained in CBT and other “evidence-based” therapies rarely attach much significance to Caroline’s comment about her past therapy relationships. Some venture that Caroline may need a “secure” therapist who won’t be intimidated by her looks or status.
From a psychodynamic perspective, it is irrelevant whether Caroline’s therapist is personally secure or insecure. She doesn’t need a secure therapist. She needs a therapist with the self-awareness and courage to notice that twinge of insecurity in Caroline’s presence, treat it as information, and use it in the service of understanding.
Such a therapist might say: “You know, you have come here for my help and yet in many of our interactions, I am aware of a vague feeling of wanting to impress you or gain your approval, which of course doesn’t help you at all. I’m trying to figure out what it means, and whether it could be a window into understanding something about what happens in your relationships more generally. Perhaps this is something that feels familiar to you.”
And there, real therapy may begin.
Caroline could not have described what went wrong in her relationships: The things she did to try to draw people closer were the very things that precluded real connection and intimacy. Women were envious or deferential. Men viewed her as a conquest, or out of their league. Either way, intimate connection was impossible.
Caroline couldn’t tell her therapist this; she showed him. What the patient does in the room with the therapist reveals lifelong relationship patterns. And in the therapy relationship, these patterns can be recognized, understood, and reworked.

This is central to psychodynamic therapy and notably absent from other therapies.
A prominent CBT author and thought leader wrote an article about myths and realities of CBT. One myth, according to the author, is that CBT downplays the therapy relationship. To show this is not so, the author explained that CBT therapists “do many things to build a strong alliance. For example, they work collaboratively with clients… ask for feedback… and conduct themselves as genuine, warm, empathic, interested, caring human beings.”
I expect that much from my hair stylist or real estate broker. From a psychotherapist, I expect something more. The CBT thought leader seemed to have no concept that the therapy relationship is a window into the patient’s inner world, or a relationship laboratory and sanctuary where lifelong patterns can be recognized and understood, and new ones created.
Some people may be satisfied with therapists who “work collaboratively” while conducting therapy according to an instruction manual (read my blog about "manualized" therapy here). Those who want to change their destiny will want a therapist with the self-awareness, knowledge, and courage to see and speak about what matters.

They had the happiest relationship until recently when she randomly asked to go to therapy

I have a friend; his name is Steven.
He has a wife, her name is, Monica. According to Steven, they had the happiest relationship until recently where Monica randomly asked to go to therapy.
He asked me, ‘What do women want, what do women want? Because I don’t get it’ Things were not working out and I could see that Steven was hurt because he loved Monica so much, she does everything for him, caters to his every need and he appreciates it, but he fears she doesn’t know it.

He said, ‘She just kept telling me she needs me, but won’t tell me how or when, she just says ‘I know you work hard so I can’t ask you for anything’, but things are bad and she’s silent all the time’
So I told him, She feels she can’t tell you how or when because she knows you’re a hard working guy and she appreciates that and doesn’t want to come across as nagging, but she’s working real hard to do it all right now, and she needs you, YOU, more than ever.
When she’s silent, that’s when she needs you. She doesn’t think it’s worth the effort to explain herself because she doesn’t feel her voice matters. Show her it does.
When she’s silent she’s deep in thought, she’s afraid, she’s angry, she’s confused, and her mind runs a million miles an hour, she needs you to help unpack that.
When she opens up, that’s when she needs you. She needs you to respect her voice, hear about her day, and don’t try to fix it, just hear what she’s saying. And for you to open up, talk to her, communicate, tell her about your day.
When you see her lose her temper that’s when she needs you. She needs you to step in and take over for a while. Do the bath, slap dinner together, entertain the kids. Anything. Let her come back better and ready to kickass again. You are being angry because she is angry won’t help. It’s when she needs you the most.
When you see her go somewhere in the house by herself and the kids follow her, that’s when she needs you. She needs that time to herself, she probably hasn’t had a second all day. You’re an amazing dad who masters tickle time like no other, so have some quality time with your kids.

When she dresses up, that’s when she needs you. She needs you to see her, and really see her. See her the way you did when you met her. She wants you to desire her the way she desires you. She needs you to know she matters to you… even if she hasn’t dressed up.
She’s may not go to work, but she works hard. Parenting is no picnic and you’re in this together, so be her copilot, and drive the ship together. She can’t do it without you.
She’s so burnt out caring for everything and everyone else, she needs to know you care for her and she’s forgotten how to ask. So, she’s trying to glue you back together any way she knows how. if she asked for therapy, go to therapy. It’s what is important to her and will be therapeutic for both of you. She needs that, and she needs you. If she didn’t need you, she wouldn’t suggest therapy, she’d get up and leave.
And tell her, tell her a thousand times you love her, that you appreciate her, and that you care, because she needs you, and she only needs you because for her, you are all she could ever need.

Selena Gomez & Justin Bieber Should Do Couples Therapy If They Want To Last — Expert Speaks

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez may be giving their romance another try, but if they want their relationship to last forever, they should seek couples therapy. Here’s why!
We’re all rooting for Justin Bieber, 23, and Selena Gomez, 25, to make their newly rekindled romance go the distance, but the foundation of any solid relationship is communication. When asked how these two can increase their chances of making it work this time around, relationship expert Dr. Jenn Mann, who wrote the book Jenn’s 6-Step Guide to Improving Communication, Connection & Intimacy, EXCLUSIVELY told HollywoodLife.com the pair should take part in couples therapy, and we think it’s a great idea. “Therapy! Doing some individual and couples therapy in order to develop the tools and skills that are needed to have a healthy relationship are important for most couples, especially these two,” suggested Dr. Jenn. “I am a big fan of couples doing therapy work early on in the relationship so that they start out a relationship, or restart a relationship, with new skills.”

In addition to seeking out therapy, Dr. Jenn wisely advocates the two schedule some one-on-one time during their busy calendars. “Connection is the foundation for any relationship,” Dr. Jenn added. “They need to make the time for each other and make sure they are talking face to face and connecting. I know that Selena is not partying because of her health issues, Justin needs to minimize any partying. Also, keep the relationship as private as possible.”

We reported earlier how Selena recently unfollowed The Weeknd, 27, on Instagram, which might have been the perfect move — unfollowing your ex is a good way to keep them out of sight and mind. After Selena was spotted kissing Justin, fans everywhere — including us — rejoiced. Now, we hope these two can make their relationship better than ever with some couples therapy!

How I Recently Killed Myself To Save My Marriage

You’re going to learn a lot about me personally the more you continue to follow and read my blog. It’s not all about celebrity gossip, but it’s about my life helping someone else’s life. Let me take you to last year when I killed myself to save my marriage.
Manic Depressive… that’s what they say I am. For everything I’ve been through in my life, I will just say I have gotten to a point where I was mentally unstable. Every doctor I would see would prescribe me with something that they thought, at the time would stabilize me. I’ve been on

• sertraline (Zoloft) 
• fluoxetine (Prozac, Sarafem) 
• citalopram (Celexa) 
• escitalopram (Lexapro) 
• paroxetine (Paxil, Pexeva, Brisdelle) 
• fluvoxamine (Luvox)

Not to mention 1mg of Xanax twice a day. By last year, I believe I was on about 3 antidepressants and a couple of things for anxiety. I was a walking zombie. I was at a point in my life where I had no feelings. I literally could not feel a thing. I had no emotions. Nothing was there. I was just a walking body. Nothing mattered. I was completely brain dead, nerve dead, whatever dead… I couldn’t feel. My marriage was crumbling. My kids didn’t want to be around me. I didn’t want to be around me.

My husband and I would argue, well he would argue because I didn’t give two shits about what he was talking about. I didn’t care. I was at the point where I wasn’t intimate with him. I expected him to go out and find a chick and have sex with her. I wasn’t giving it to him. I didn’t understand why he wasn’t cheating on me. I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t leave me, until one night I heard him praying for me (he still doesn’t know that I heard him praying for me). That night sent me in a rage. We argued until 4:00 in the morning. I had enough.
I took every pill bottled that had anything to do with anxiety and depression and I flushed it. That was the beginning of my death sentence. Anyone who is on daily medications for anxiety and depression and the amount and dosage I was on, knows that the doctor SPECIFICALLY tells you that you MUST be weened off of the medication. You cannot stop taking those pills cold turkey.

Day one without taking my meds, I felt fine, just a slight headache but I was good. As time went on, I began to lose my mind. It was even worse than before. I was a mad woman. I was yelling, crying, throwing things, throwing up, wasn’t eating, having chills, diarrhea, chest pains, migraines, weak, suicidal… must I go on? My husband didn’t know what was going on with me and our arguments were getting worse but I was beginning to use the little bit of strength I had to fight. I was killing myself so that I could save my marriage. I knew that if I stopped being doped up, I would become the woman he fell in love with. The woman with a big heart. The woman who put others before she put herself. The woman who cried while watching Disney movies. The woman who loved to laugh, who had fears. The woman who loved to be affectionate and passionate in and out of the bed room. The woman who loved her children more than she loved herself. But most importantly, the woman who FEARED, TRUSTED, AND LOVED GOD with all of her mind, body and soul. So I made a promise to myself and to my Creator that if I could kill this demon that had taken over me and that would feed off of the medication that was prescribed to me, I wouldn’t look back. I would be the woman God called me to be.
Things began to change. My husband began to see the change. So it was time to tell him that I was alive and I could have died but God kept me. All he kept saying was that he wished he would have known that I was withdrawing etc, etc but I had to explain that what I did was something that I had to do on my own. He needed to know that I killed myself to save my marriage.